The Emotion Machine

Feel Better Through Ten Acts Of Loving-Kindness

Exhibiting loving-kindness and compassion is one of the most underrated methods of improving our mental well-being. But how can doing something that benefits another possibly allow me to feel better?

Although it may seem counter-intuitive, studies have shown that helping others actually does increase our own happiness. It gets us to step out of our own ego-driven tendencies, to empathize with others, and to share both their pain and joy. Their happiness becomes our happiness.

So what are some things we can do to exercise this skill?

1. Call Someone And Tell Them You Love ‘Em

Often we don’t tell others how much we love them even though we know how much they would love to hear it. Those that don’t feel loved can become depressed and suffer greatly. Because of this, it is important that we tell others we love them and we should remind them of it often. Go ahead and call your wife, husband, mom or dad and tell them that you appreciate all that they have done and that you truly love them for who they are. Even if it is someone who you haven’t used the word “love” to in a long while – work up the courage to still do it, it’ll benefit both of you.

2. Compliment A Stranger

Being kind is not something exclusive to people we know and already love. We should also exercise this amongst strangers. Sometimes there is nothing more pleasing than making a positive change to a stranger’s day. You can do this in a variety of ways: compliment an article of clothing or jewelry of a store clerk or just stop someone you pass in the street and compliment their smile. Make sure your words are genuine. Let the person know that you just had to tell them “Blah blah blah” and then go on your merry way.

3. Donate To A Charity

Donating to a charity is one of the most noble things one can do. It doesn’t matter if it is only a couple dollars or even a few thousand – it is the principle of the act. Sometimes the hardest thing to give up is a material good like money, but by detaching ourselves from this possessive mindset we are not only helping someone in greater need but allowing ourselves a greater freedom.

4. Schedule An Exciting Event

This one takes a little more time and effort than the past three, but this also means it can give us a greater satisfaction. Try to put together an event that a group of your friends or family can enjoy. Maybe you could throw an upcoming surprise birthday party for someone or a weekend costume party for a good time. The key here is to schedule something that is fun and exciting. Many of us need more of this in our lives due to the burdens of work and family life. By providing an outlet for people to let loose and relax you are doing a tremendous service.

5. Dedicate A Song, Poem, or Painting To Someone Significant

What better way to create than to do it for the sake of sharing with someone significant? Maybe it is time to dust off that old acoustic guitar or overcome those years of writer’s block. Think of someone you want to dedicate to. Pick a theme or message that you want to express and then work with it until you find something that you are proud of. Polish it up, and when you are ready show it off to the intended person. It will warm their heart.

6. Invest Time Playing With Children

Children are a fantastic way to practice loving-kindness (and sometimes patience). If you have kids of your own then you can schedule an afternoon at the zoo or park. If you don’t have kids then see if you can volunteer at a children’s hospital or elementary school. Most volunteer places are more than happy to have an extra pair of hands on deck to help entertain the children and keep them behaved. I find it incredibly enlightening to spend time with children – they have great imaginations and they are always living in the moment to the fullest. Of course kids can sometimes become a huge handful, so there is also a sense of skill in keeping them both safe and happy. I used to volunteer at an elementary school throughout my High School years up until my second semester in college and I learned many valuable life lessons doing so.

7. Fulfill A Wish

This suggestion is probably one of the toughest to accomplish depending on the person’s wish you are trying to fulfill. Maybe you have a friend who has always wanted to dive into a swimming pool of jello or who has always wanted to travel to Europe. These wishes might be too difficult to fulfill, but if you have the means to do it then don’t let anything stop you. Other wishes are easier. Maybe you know someone who had always wanted a toy train as a child or a certain comic book. Even though they might be older now, the thought of fulfilling this childhood wish is something that can bring great joy to the person. It also shows that you are thoughtful, you listen to others, and remember what they say.

8. Get A Loved One A Gift For No Reason

We often only get others gifts during birthdays or holidays. But what is stopping us from giving even when there is not a special occasion. Sometimes it is gifts like this that are the most surprising and meaningful. The classic case is coming home with a rose or box of chocolates for your wife. It doesn’t really matter who or what it is – it is the thought and the freedom to give someone something whenever you want that creates real spontaneity and happiness.

9. Create A Mixtape For A New Friend

This is one of my favorite things to do as I love music and I love sharing new artists with others. You may remember a time back in High School when you and your crush would exchange mixtapes and then go home and listen intently to all the songs they had chosen specifically for you. Why let this practice die as you get older? It is never too late to introduce others to new music. It creates an important bond and as long as they hold on to your mixtape the connection will always be there.

10. Find Someone Who Looks Down And Make Them Smile

This too can be a great challenge. It sucks to see someone going throughout their day looking down and depressed. When I see someone like this I always wonder if there is anything I could do in that moment to make their day a tad bit better. You could resort to option 2 and give them a compliment. You may also have a good joke on hand that could brighten up their day. Maybe it is a homeless man on the street in which case you can give a donation. Use your good judgment and be creative if you have to.

Final Words

There are enough easy and simple things to do on this list to begin your practice of loving-kindness. As you get better you can progress to some of the more difficult suggestions. All of these are ways to improve conditions of your surrounding world and at the same time improve your inner happiness and content. A daily practice of loving-kindness is a great ingredient for any recipe in healthy living. Try it out for yourself!

Choosing The Right Words

There is karma to everything that we say. This means that our words have consequences. They can bring inspiration and joy to others but they can also bring sadness and pain.

For these reasons I suggest that we become more mindful of the things we say. All too often we speak with haste, not considering whether or not what we say has value, and not reflecting on the outcome of what has been said. Here are a few tips to sharpen our ability to say the right thing at the right time, without all the fluff and idle chatter.

Pause And Think Before You Speak

One of the most common reasons we say the wrong things is because we don’t take the time to pause and think before we speak. Our words become more powerful when we put in this extra effort. From now on take the extra seconds to replay what you say in your head before you utter the words, especially when you are having a particularly meaningful conversation with a friend or loved one.

Ask Yourself “Does What I Say Have Value?”

Are you saying something to achieve a purpose or do you just like hearing the sound of your voice? Sometimes we are saying something only to make ourselves feel good, but if what we say has no value to the other person then why say it at all. Maybe it is because we are speaking to a confidant in order to get some negative feelings off our chest. This is understandable, but more often than not we should make our words valuable to the other person. If others don’t see any value in speaking to us then it is likely that the person won’t value talking to us again in the future. This is not necessarily a good way of building lasting relationships. Add value to your conversation – even if it is only to provide simple pleasures like humor or joy.

Consider Who You Are Conversing With

Choosing the right words often depends on who it is you are talking to. You would probably use a different range of vocabulary around your college buddies then you would around your grandparents. But sometimes the differences become more subtle. Some of your friends may be interested in politics, others may hate the thought of it. It is important to choose the subject of the conversation depending on who you are speaking to. Be aware of when someone is losing interest and then change the thread of the conversation.

Consider The Environment

Everything has a time and place. Be sensitive to your environment and be aware that some topics of conversation are more friendly during certain times than others. Nightclubs are rarely a good place to talk about the philosophy behind God. Your wedding is not a good time to share your favorite “getting drunk” stories. Again – some of these are obvious and other differences can be subtle. Consider the mood of the environment, the types of people around you, and the appropriateness of what you want to say.

Don’t Be Afraid To Reflect Back On Your Words

The time to reflect back on your words is not directly after you say them but once you are alone after the fact. The reason for this is because you don’t want to get stuck in your head during a conversation. Therefore there is no point in analyzing words until you have some time to yourself. The point of this process of reflecting is to catch something that you may have been previously unaware of during the conversation. In retrospect you may find that you didn’t choose the best words to describe your feelings or thoughts. Don’t beat yourself up over it – just learn to be more mindful of these things in the future – and try to apply what you learned into future conversations.

Pay Attention To How Others Speak

This is an effective method for two reasons. First, by paying close attention to the words others use you will have a better idea on the way they think and which particular words are most meaningful to them. This is a great way to get into the mind of another person. You can then use these words in your own pattern of speech and create a stronger connection. The second way this tip becomes useful is when you are listening to a conversation between two other individuals in a group setting or on a TV interview. You may find that someone has a great way of explaining a certain situation or feeling. Maybe they told a really great joke you would like to borrow or they use a particular word you find really effective. You can use your listening skills and later apply what you learned into your own daily speech.

Conclusion

I hope you found these tips useful. One of the principle teachings in Buddha’s Eightfold Path is Right Speech and I have used the Buddha’s lessons in mindfulness and karma to improve my own intentions when I speak. The list above is really nothing but a collection of intentions one can have when conversing with others. Following this advice will lead to more purposeful and effective speech.

Seven Ways To Stand Up And Live

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.”

- Henry David Thoreau

Earlier this week I published an article on “Five Reasons Why Having A Blog Makes You More Productive.” However I also sometimes fear that blogging, or any writing for that matter, can also become counterproductive if it begins to take away time from other activities we could be taking part in.

The above quote by American writer and philosopher Henry David Thoreau sums up my feelings perfectly. If we find that we are writing about the things we do more than we are actually doing them, then things can become problematic, unbalanced, and incongruent with our self-perception. Therefore it is important that sometimes we put down our pens, shut down our computers, and go searching for what life really has to offer. This has motivated me to put together a short list of some of the things we can do to correct this imbalance.

1. Pick Up A New Hobby

I don’t care how old you are, unless you are on your deathbed there is no reason to not always be seeking new activities to engage yourself in. Our time on this world is limited, but the kinds of things we could be doing within that time limit are endless. Try to think of a friend who is well-versed in a subject or hobby that you may be interested in. Maybe it is a sport like volleyball or golf, or maybe it is an activity like painting or photography. Have your friend guide you through the first few stages of the learning curve until you become familiar with the fundamentals. Once you have a good enough grapple with that you can continue pursuing the activity on your own.

2. Help Someone In Need

Doing things for others is one of the most underrated productive things you can do. Not only are you making a difference in someone’s life but you are going to feel infinitely better because of it! Try to find a local volunteering organization, maybe a church, soup kitchen, or rehab center, and then see what you can do to help out the community. Try to volunteer on a regular basis. Even if it is only one hour a week it is still more than most, and you will still be playing your fair part in improving other people’s lives.

3. Spice Up Your Living Space

There is always a good excuse to change up your living environment, even if it is just for the sake of change itself. This doesn’t mean you have to go to IKEA and spend money on colorful furniture, there are plenty of creative things you can do with things you can find lying around the house. One of my favorite projects is to make collages out of old photos or magazines. You can turn this into a frame to put on the wall or even a nice tabletop. Think of your living space as a work of art. Incorporate both creativity and personal meaning, but keep it tasteful for guests. If you get too extravagant you may come off as a bit of a loony…but sometimes having fun is more important anyway.

4. Challenge Yourself

Deliberately find something that brings you out of your comfort zone. The point of a challenge is to push you to the next level. What is something you wouldn’t dare do? Maybe it is skydiving or that new roller coaster at Six Flags. Maybe it is even approaching that new girl from work. Whatever it is, “Go Nike And Just Do It!” You will feel better about yourself for pursuing the challenge, and you will be more inclined to face your fears in the future. Make sure you find something that really gets on your nerves otherwise you aren’t challenging yourself enough.

5. Cook For A Friend Or Loved One

This is another nice thing you could do for someone else that will also benefit you. If you already love cooking then maybe you have a favorite dish that you would like to share with someone. If not then you can check out AllRecipes.com (my personal favorite) and find something that you won’t screw up. It is also OK if you need an extra pair of hands to help you around the kitchen. Remember this list is about standing up to live, not fending for yourself, so the ability to ask others for assistance is still an necessary part of any healthy living strategy.

6. Join An Activist Group

I am sure everyone can think of a particular cause that they would like support. Nowadays there is an activist group for just about anything: animal rights, cancer awareness, fighting poverty, environmental issues, and protesting corrupt government institutions. Take a moment and think of something that you would like to change about the world. Then try searching for your cause on Google and see if you can find an organization that shares your beliefs. It typically isn’t hard to find an outlet for any kind of social, political, economic, or environmental change, and most of these organizations are non-profit, thus they are willing to have just about anyone hop on board who wishes to show support.

7. Plan A Getaway

I use the term “getaway” here because vacations can be expensive. Ideally you may want to visit Cancun and drink margaritas all weekend, but some of us aren’t always fortunate enough to have that option. However, just because we don’t have money doesn’t mean we can’t escape from our same ol’ daily routine. Maybe there is a local beach or national park you could visit for the day. Find the time to spend a long afternoon just outside and enjoying nature. It is a great way to get in touch and remind yourself what you are really standing up and living for. Also, how could I quote Thoreau and not recommend spending more time with Mother Earth.

Final Thought

Don’t just sit down and wait to die! Get up right now and find something that makes a difference in you and in others. So you wanted to spend the weekend locked in your room writing another blog post? F— that! Free yourself first. Then you can write about all the rich experiences you had after the fact. Have I gotten you inspired yet?

Five Reasons Why Having A Blog Makes You More Productive

Some people blog for a living, but most of us aren’t that fortunate. Instead we get our blogging thrills through connecting with others and writing about the things we love.

What’s wrong with that? Well, some may say that blogging distracts us from our “real work” or our “real job.” Blogging in this case is seen as just a hobby, and thus it is considering self-serving.

But is this even true?

I believe blogging actually makes us more productive, not less. Just because we aren’t making a lot of money doing it doesn’t mean that we aren’t being productive. And just because something is self-serving doesn’t mean it can’t also benefit others. Blogging exemplifies both of these points.

This is why I have compiled five main reasons why having a blog makes you more productive. These reasons include:

1. Organizing Your Thoughts
2. Exercising Creativity
3. Networking
4. Better Spent Free Time
5. Visiting Other Blogs

Each of these will be expanded on below:

1. Organizing Your Thoughts

A blog is basically a diary with a public audience. It provides an outlet to share our experiences and expand on our thoughts.

When we write about these aspects of our life we are allowing our brains to better organize our mental world, to make better sense of it, and to think more lucidly about our life situations. This can lead us to better problem-solving skills, a more goal-oriented lifestyle, and a clearer understanding of what we really want out of life.

2. Exercising Creativity

Our blog is our creation. Sure, we may have a default Wordpress theme, we may have borrowed some pictures from Flickr.com, and we may even quote from different news articles and blog entries. But when it is all said and done: it is our creation! We were the ones who found all the resources and put them together in a way that we envisioned.

Some are more creative than others, but there is virtually no limit to the things we can do while maintaining a blog. We can write, take photos, record videos, design, manufacture products, and so much more. Blogging is what makes it possible to combine all these elements all in one place.

3. Networking

If we are consistent with what we do then we are bound to cross paths with others who have similar interests. This can lead us in all sorts of productive directions. We could run into someone who gives us a helpful suggestion regarding a current endeavor. We may even run into our future business partner.

Nowadays good networking skills can get us almost anywhere in the workplace. Even if we don’t connect with someone directly through our blog, the skills we develop while networking with others will carry over to other areas of life as well.

4. Better Spent Freetime

How would you be spending your freetime if you weren’t blogging? Would it be watching TV, playing videogames, or surfing YouTube.com? Which do you think is more productive: blogging or what you would most likely be doing if you weren’t blogging?

You could be writing about anything and I would wager that you are being more productive, and that you are provoking reality to a much greater extent, then if you were just sitting in a near vegetative state passively consuming various mediums of entertainment. This isn’t to take anything away from the enjoyment of a good movie or a hilarious Youtube video, but – in terms of productivity – blogging is the better choice.

5. Visiting Other Blogs

If you are like most bloggers then you probably also like to visit other people’s blogs too. And of course, just like your blog provokes the interests of its readers, other blogs are going to provoke your interests as well. The blogosphere is filled with quality, thought provoking, and mind expanding material. I have only been blogging for 6 months and I already feel much smarter because of it.

There is a blog for just about anything you could possibly be interested in. Do you like obscure music? Do you need business tips that come from the heart? What about advice on how to pick-up women? The blogosphere has it all, no wonder it is the newest and most popular way to disseminate information across the net.

Conclusion

I hope you are now convinced that blogging is an activity that can benefit anyone. Whether you plan on creating a business out of it or just pursuing your own personal pleasure there is always something to gain.

When I started this blog less than 6 months ago I didn’t think I would get as much out of it as I actually have. This only strengthens my incentives to continue on this path and see where else it may lead me.

33 Questions from Dragos Roua

Today I was visiting one of my favorite personal development blogs over at DragosRoua.com. In his latest post “33 Questions For An Interview With Yourself,” Dragos proposes a series of questions that he would like you to answer and display on your blog.

I skimmed through the questions and figured it would be worth a shot. I haven’t really been given a good opportunity to go into personal details about my life and this would be a fun experience to embark on.

So here it is! My personal interview with Dragos Roua:

1. What Do You Do For A Living?

Ah, you are starting out with the hard ones! I am currently a full-time student at Binghamton University, and I am graduating this semester with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. But what am I doing after I graduate? I really have no idea. I have a lot of interests but I am not sure which I want to pursue first. For the moment I am just keeping my eyes open to opportunities.

2. Who Do You Love?

I used to not use the word “love” because I found that most people use it carelessly and without meaning. However, recently I have re-defined what love means to me. I see it as a way of seeing the world now. It is something that I generate from inside. With that being said, there is not any person or thing that I deny love towards.

3. Do You Have Enough Money?

No. I am a broke college student entering the economy during a devastating recession. If it weren’t for my parents I would be homeless.

4. Are You Healthy?

It is difficult being healthy in college. My diet is centered around convenience, I don’t spend enough time being physically active, and I probably party and drink too much. However I am making a conscious effort to bury these bad habits and find better ones.

5. Do You Think You Are a Good Person?

Absolutely. Sure — I make mistakes and sometimes hurt myself and others — but I also make a conscious and well-intentioned effort to learn from these mistakes. I don’t think you can ask anything more of yourself.

6. How Old Are You?

Twenty-one. But I think like I am 8 and act like I am 80.

7. Who’s Your Best Friend?

I can’t really choose a specific best friend. I know too many people that have been too significant in my life to narrow it down to just one.

8. What’s Your Childhood Dream?

What wasn’t my childhood dream? I wanted to be everything as a kid: veterinarian, filmmaker, writer, rockstar, scientist, actor, video game designer – the list goes on and on. And I still have many of the same dreams today. Why let go of them? You never know when the opportunity will arise.

9. How Often Do You Laugh?

Everyday. Humor is an important part to good living.

10. What Makes You Smile?

All sorts of things. Sometimes I worry myself at how often I find stuff silly.

11. Who’s Your Most Dangerous Enemy?

I guess it would have to be my own self wouldn’t it? The question isn’t who is going to let me, but who is going to stop me.

12. Where Do You Live?

Currently reside in Binghamton, NY. But after I graduate I will be back on Long Island with my family. I am considering a variety of places to move to once I have the money. It may even be outside of the country.

13. Do You Think You’re Strong?

Physically? Probably not, although I suppose I could be if I went to the gym. Emotionally and spiritually? I think I am stronger than most.

14. What Was The Most Important Thing You’ve Done So Far?

This is a difficult question. I haven’t achieved anything too extraordinary over my short life. I always do well in school so I suppose that would be the best thing I have to show for. I have a feeling my best is yet to come.

15. What Was The Most Stupid Thing You’ve Done So Far?

Ohh, many things. I have blacked out from drinking too much. That is certainly not an experience to be proud of. I have also said a lot of mean things to people that I have very much regretted over the years.

16. Do You Love Yourself?

Of course.

17. What Do You Fear The Most?

Not fitting into the world in a way that I can be happy with.

18. What Is Your Favorite Word?

God. The word means so much to so many people and so little to others. People can be healed by it, and people can also kill each other over it. It’s a powerful word, and that fascinates me.

19. When Was The Last Time You Cried?

A few years ago when my first dog was put to sleep. I bawled and bawled right in the waiting room. I didn’t care if anyone saw. It was very therapeutic. I should probably cry more often.

20. What Is The Best Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now?

If I could win the lottery or find a million dollar paying job. My financial situation gives me a lot of stress and it is my main focus right now.

21. What Is The Worst Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now?

I could drop out of college and waste the last 4 years I spent here pursuing a degree. Or I could die – that is always bad too.

22. Picture Yourself In 5 Years From Now

I picture myself with a lot more money than I do now. I also see myself pursuing a variety of projects and making good progress. I may even be starting my own business. Perhaps I will also be dating a fine girl or two or three.

23. Do You Regret Anything?

Not at the moment. Sometimes I reflect on an experience and feel regret, but I don’t actively identify with regret. I just take past experiences and learn from them. The feelings I have associated with these experiences are usually positive. I prefer to look back at myself and laugh at my naivete.

24. What’s The First Thing You Do In The Morning?

I most definitely don’t remember the first thing I do in the morning as my mind is still waking up as my body gets out of bed. If it is a weekday though, the first thing I do is probably shut off my alarm.

25. What Are You Thinking Just Before Going To Bed?

My first thought should be “Everyday In Every Way I am Getting Better and Better,” but most likely it is something more mundane like, “What do I have to get done today?”

26. What Was The Highest Point You’ve Ever Been To?

Standing by the edge of the Grand Canyon and Bryce Canyon. Both are absolutely beautiful to peer down into. At a moment, it makes you feel insignificant. There is also a compelling sensation to throw yourself off. The existentialist philosopher Søren Kierkegaard actually discusses this feeling in his paper “The Concept of Anxiety,” in which he describes it as the “dizziness of freedom.”

27. If There’s One Thing In Your Life You Want To Change Right Now, What Is It?

I would like to fast-forward to the end of this semester so I can finally secure a job and a means of living.

28. What Are You Proud Of?

I got a 770/800 on the Math SAT and a 5/5 on the Calculus AP back in senior year of high school. I have always been really proud of that.

29. Sum Up Your Life In One Sentence

Thank God and feel blessed.

30. Name The Thing That Annoys You The Most

I don’t like it when people critique my food as I am eating it. It is a huge pet peeve! But other than that I am a really tolerant person – most things don’t bother me.

31. What Is Your No 1 Question To God?

Why?

32. Do You Have Secrets?

I think everyone does and I am certainly no different.

33. What Makes You Laugh?

Bill Hicks, Robin Williams, Joe Rogan, Steven Colbert, South Park, Pineapple Express and Naked Gun all make me laugh.

Ok, I lied. There are 34 questions” – Dragos Roua

34. Are You Happy?

If there is anything I am then it is happy.

That was a really great interview Dragos! I appreciate you taking the time to put together these questions and giving me the opportunity to talk a little about myself.

If anyone else would like to take part in this please check out “33 Questions For An Interview With Yourself.”