In Buddhist philosophy there are two central teachings to the origin of suffering. One is impermanence, the idea that everything is in a constant state of flux. The second is clinging; when we cling to conditions in a changing world, we bind ourselves to suffering.
Clinging to both “bad experiences” and “good experiences” can be a source of suffering. Because when we cling to negative feelings, we prolong their power over our thoughts and actions. Instead of letting them take their course and then letting go, we hold onto these feelings and even begin to identify with them. And when we cling to positive feelings, we also attach to them as our only source of happiness, but we simultaneously set ourselves up for suffering once those positive feelings inevitably go away.
If everything is constantly changing, then the key to living a healthy life must be embracing this change as it unfolds, rather than attaching our happiness to a certain set of conditions. When we learn how to ride out these ebbs and flow of life, we paradoxically find contentment in the present moment (because we learn to embrace whatever is as it is).
Full acceptance of the present moment also includes an acceptance of its transient nature. And full acceptance of yourself also includes an acceptance that you too are always changing. From moment-to-moment, it often feels as though we are a static entity. But when you view yourself 10-20 years in the past, or what you will be 10-20 years in the future, you’ll often find that you can change drastically from one phase of your life to the next.
I find these ideas very conducive to personal development and mental health. Actually, the whole notion that “thing’s change” has helped me overcome countless internal battles over the past few years.
But it takes practice. Mainly, daily mindfulness, and actual eye-witness of this change as it takes place in the present moment. Conceptions of our “static self” can only be de-mystified by daily meditation into the nature of our changing selves. Change is not just an esoteric concept, but an observable, empirical truth that can be discovered by anyone who watches their daily experiences on a consistent basis. One of the my favorite meditations in de-mystifying this fixed self is objectless meditation. It is a pure mindfulness practice where the observer doesn’t try to concentrate on any one object, but instead allows their awareness to expand to the full range of their experience. During such a meditation your object of focus will shift between different sensations in your body, as well as different thoughts, emotions, memories, and imaginations. A person who has developed a strong sense of mindfulness will learn how to better engage in this process of change without clinging to any singular aspect of their experience.
And the ultimate goal of your meditation is to take this awareness into your daily activities. That means embracing change in all aspects of your life: your health, your relationships, your career, your personal habits, etc. All aspects of your being are in a dynamic state of flux. And keeping this simple truth in the back of your mind at all times can do wonders.
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Wole Soyinka
I have a nasty (yet often rewarding) habit of finding ways to critique nearly everything. Sometimes it really irritates people. They think I’m trying to show off or I’m being pedantic, but I just like progress. One time while critiquing a friend’s opinion he replied, “Steve, you can poke a hole in anything.” I don’t think he meant it as a compliment, but I took it as one anyway.
While it’s not always appropriate to show criticism, sometimes it can spark very healthy discussion. That’s usually my goal. I don’t aim to piss people off, but some people will always find a way to take disagreements personally.
On the other hand, I encourage disagreements. I see them as an expression of our diversity as a species. We all have different viewpoints, different knowledge, and different values, so not only is disagreement inevitable, but it helps us to better understand others, as well as better understand ourselves. Being able to tolerate these differences is a huge mark of maturity and intelligence.
That’s why I encourage readers of this blog to feel free to disagree with me. I know I’m not perfect and I know others have different values than me, so I always appreciate it when people share their thoughts in the comment section or on my Facebook and Twitter. It helps me learn new things and see from alternative viewpoints.
As the quote on the top of this page suggests, being able to disagree is a part of your right to freedom of speech and thought. It’s what makes democracies and free societies work. If we all conformed to the norm, nothing could be improved. We would all just settle for the status quo. But upstanding individuals like Martin Luther King Jr, Gandhi, and Thomas Jefferson didn’t settle for the status quo. They exercised their freedom to disagree even when they were the underdogs. And much of the social progress we take for granted today is a result of that kind of bravery; the kind of bravery that doesn’t succumb to social norms or tradition, but pushes the envelope and later emerges into a new standard of living.
I don’t know about you guys, but sometimes I even get suspicious when someone is always in full agreement with me. I guess I find it hard to believe. They may be just trying to please me, but I’d rather they let their personalities shine through more. We shouldn’t be ashamed to hide our differences, as often they are a sign that both parties have something to learn from each other.
So I’m going to keep this message real short: you have your own mind, with your own thoughts, and your own beliefs and values. Use it! Be willing to express it and also be willing to let others express their beliefs. If you find yourself struggling with taking criticism or others disagreeing with you, try some of these tips on how to take criticism.
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Dear living and breathing person,
I bet you are more blessed than you realize.
I know at times life can be difficult,
Even painful.
But how lucky you are to still be alive,
And to still have choice.
Because no matter how young or old you are,
Or how much you suffer,
That choice is still there.
And it is what makes you alive,
And who you are.
I appreciate these things now,
Only because I no longer have them.
Once you’re dead,
All pain and pleasure is gone.
But worst of all,
All choice is gone as well.
But you,
You’re still alive.
You’re still conscious.
You’re still thinking.
You’re still feeling.
And you’re still deciding and acting.
You still have a chance,
To be an influence on your world,
To change others,
And to do something remarkable with your time.
Time is too precious.
And everyday that passes,
You have the opportunity to decide,
To live well,
To live heroically,
And to be happy.
Live consciously,
And make those decisions.
Now.
Before it is too late.
Life is filled with a lot of difficult and unanswered question. In many ways, these uncertainties add to the mystery and amazement of life. A short question, like “Who am I?” can lead to hours of introspecting and debating among friends and family. And by the end of it, we probably still won’t be able to agree on an answer.
In my experience, contemplating the answers to these questions sharpens our thinking and can give us a deeper understanding of ourselves and life in general.
A stream-of-conscious contemplation into the nature of equanimity and emotional balance.