When I was younger, I have to admit I used to disregard a lot of empathy and compassion as meaningless and superficial. I recall watching news stories that seemed designed to tug at my emotions and manipulate me to feel a certain way. It seemed that if I didn’t sympathize or want to help others, I should feel guilty and ashamed of myself. In reality, I just wanted to take care of myself and discover my values on my own.

Over time, I learned to minimize my empathy and compassion for others. They were values that felt forced down my throat, and as a reaction I decided that I wouldn’t practice them. I wasn’t a moral nihilist, I just wanted to discover my own values for myself, like most people want to. I think everyone’s morality needs to be discovered for themselves, and blindly following other people’s values is always a recipe for disaster.

Then as I got older, and perhaps a bit more selfish, I noticed I couldn’t find happiness living this way. I used to harbor really negative feelings towards others. I found many people to be manipulators, liars, idiots, guilt-trippers, haters, and just plain evil. By this point I was already starting to get into personal development and trying to find happiness on my own.

Then things began to change. I had learned a lot of useful personal development techniques already (how to think more effectively, set goals, and so on), but there felt like something at my core was missing. I felt more rational than ever, but emotionally lost. I couldn’t make any sense of it.

Then, upon someone’s recommendation, I picked up Eckhart Tolle’s books Power of Now and New Earth. From that moment I began meditating and getting more attuned to who I was as a person or “self.” I gradually began to read more resources on Buddhism, Taoism, and Sufism, and I felt a wave of wisdom and clarity slowly crashing onto me.

I found that I was not as independent of a self as I thought I was. I was, in fact, quite interconnected to the people around me. I found that when I harbored negative feelings toward others, it was actually a reflection of my own insecurities and personality flaws. I didn’t like other people mainly because I thought they could never like me. The changed the way I treated others, which changed the way they treated me, and it turned into a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy.

The more I understood and experienced the metaphysical notion of “interconnectedness,” the more I realized how important empathy and compassion were. Because when people did things that caused me pain, I knew that was actually a reflection of their own suffering as well. I knew it, because I had been there myself.

With this understanding, I practiced becoming more empathetic and compassionate toward others. Not because someone on the news, or at church, told me that this is what I had to do (or I was evil). I did it because I could see clearly why I should value and contribute to the happiness of others.

In Robert Thurman’s book Infinite Life he describes a great metta meditation designed to expand our circle of compassion. We first start by sending positive intentions to those who are closest to us: friends, families or coworkers. Then we expand those positive intentions to the friends of our friends, families, or coworkers. From there we move on to showing compassion toward random strangers. Then, sometimes the most difficult step, is extending that compassion even to those who we dislike or consider to be enemies. Thurman describes a similar meditation in his TED video below.

Expanding Your Circle of Compassion

The Hitler Test

In light of this expanding circle of compassion, I wonder how many individuals can honestly say they have compassion for notoriously evil figures throughout our history, like Hitler or Osama Bin Laden.

It’s a question that I have pondered about for awhile (long before writing this post). I’ve asked people on Facebook, Twitter, and other social media if they could ever see themselves showing compassion to someone like Hitler and it has led to some really controversial debates.

I think this question is a good test for those who are trying to cultivate universal compassion. It helps to pay particular attention to our enemies, since those are the people who we often find most difficult to direct compassion towards.

To direct compassion toward someone like Hitler means that you sympathize with their suffering. Clearly, it takes a really sick man to do the atrocious things he had done. If only he had found true happiness and love in his own life, I doubt he would have acted so immorally. Perhaps if we can learn to better understand how to love our enemies, we can help reverse the cycle of suffering in this world.

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This is a guest post by Debbie Hampton of The Best Brain Possible. If you too would be interested in writing a guest post for The Emotion Machine please check out this page.

We all want just a little bit of peace every now and then in this increasingly chaotic world, right? Is that too much to ask? Most of us make little, unconscious deals with ourselves like “I’ll be happy when…..” Fill in the rest. Think about it. What are the deals you make with yourself?

I used to be a pro at this. Happiness and peace were always right around the corner. I could almost taste them. Right after I found the right man. Right after I started a lucrative career. Right after my ex husband and I got along. Right after my skin cleared up and my hair had just the right amount of curl with no frizz.

Well, I have not found the right man. I have not even started the lucrative career. My ex and I still do not get along. My skin is not any where near blemish free, and my hair is frizzier than ever. Yet, I have found happiness and peace. I have learned that these things are totally in my mind and can be cultivated in even the most painful circumstances.

In her book The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving Kindness, Pema Chodron writes:

“There’s a common misunderstanding among all the human beings who have ever been born on the earth that the best way to live is to try to avoid pain and just try to get comfortable. You can see this even in insects and animals and birds. All of us are the same.

A much more interesting, kind, adventurous, and joyful approach to life is to begin to develop our curiosity, not caring whether the object of our inquisitiveness is bitter or sweet. To lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is.”

Pain, discomfort, and uncertainty are all a constant part of life. She encourages us to actually “lean into” these and explore what they have to teach us. In her books, When Things Fall Apart and Comfortable with Uncertainty, she outlines three methods for working with chaos and burden in life.

She calls the first one “no more struggle.” This is a regular, meditation practice in which she advises that we learn to stop fighting with ourselves, stop struggling with circumstances, emotions or moods and look at what is and what arises with compassion and a nonjudgmental attitude. She says “….drop the story line, slow down enough to just be present, let go of the multitude of judgments and schemes and stop struggling.”

If you already meditate, great! If you don’t, start ! Even if you can only do it five minutes a day, it will change your life. It has mine. There is much scientific evidence lately as to the many benefits of meditation including reduced stress and anxiety, increased relaxation, improved sleep, lower blood pressure, strengthened immune system, reduction of PMS symptoms, increased focus and attention, improved relationships and more. A regular practice actually, physically changes your brain in as little as 8 weeks recent studies show.

Second, she advises us to use the poison as medicine and as a fuel for waking up. “When anything arises – any kind of conflict, any notion of unworthiness, anything that feels distasteful, embarrassing, or painful – instead of trying to get rid of it, we breathe it in.” She teaches a practice here called tonglen which is basically recognizing with compassion and openness the identical condition of others who, in the very same moment, are feeling similar pain. Instead of pushing difficult situations away, tonglen teaches you to use them to connect with others who, just like you, find themselves in pain. It is the human condition. It is our kinship with all living things.

You do not have to be this formal or this Buddhist here. I am not. I just imagine and empathize with others in the same situation or facing the same conditions. It put things into perspective. Instead of emphasizing and enlarging the issues as worry would do, it makes me feel not so alone in my fears and challenges and shrinks them. If someone else can do it, I can too.

The third method for working with chaos “is to regard whatever arises as the manifestation of awakened energy. We can regard ourselves as already awake; we can regard the world as already sacred.” She goes on to explain that “regarding what arises as awakened energy reverses our fundamental habitual pattern of trying to avoid conflict, trying to make ourselves better than we are, trying to smooth things out and pretty them up, trying to prove that pain is a mistake and would not exist in our lives if only we did all the right things.” This attitude invites us to use everything in our lives – the good, the bad, and the ugly – as a basis for growing and learning or for attaining enlightenment in Buddhism.

Instead of asking “Why me?” and focusing on how unfair it all is, this allows me to have faith that whatever “it” is is for my highest good and that there will be some learning and growth in it. It does not guarantee me that I will enjoy every minute of it, but that the value of the experience will become evident as the events unfold. It allows me to trust that things may make absolutely no sense now, but in retrospect, it all will.

Pain is a part of life. Everyone’s life. It is never going away – for too long anyway. I have found that by changing my perception through practices such as this allows me to find peace amidst the pain.

—

Debbie Hampton

A little bit about me….

In June of 2007, I had a global, acquired brain injury (ABI) resulting from a suicide attempt technically termed encepalopathy. I was seriously mentally impaired. Through such practices as neurofeedback, Brain State Technologies’ brain optimization, hyperbaric oxygen therapy, acupuncture, voice therapy, music therapy, cranial sacral massage, hypercapnia, visualization, meditation, cross lateral movement, bikram yoga, daily cardiovascular exercise, cognitive behavioral therapy and more, I have made a remarkable recovery and continue to improve.

Our brains are neuroplastic, and we can shape them and change them by the things we do repeatedly in our lives. We have much more power to recover from a brain injury, improve our brain’s functioning, and to create our own reality with our brain than we ever thought possible. Here I will tell you how I did so and encourage you to do the same.

My blog: The Best Brain Possible

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I believe there is a strong psychological power in using words like “God” and “prayer,” and I often use this kind of language to facilitate my own personal development.

I consider prayer a form of self-hypnosis. It’s a way to connect with our inner agent of change – our “God” (if you so wish to call it that), and in return we can use these powerful words and symbols to motivate ourselves to be better people.

About a year ago I was going through some spiritual and emotional turmoil. By this time I had already been practicing self-hypnosis for a couple years, and I was contemplating ways to make my practice more effective.

Before we begin, I should probably explain what hypnosis is to me. Hypnosis is primarily about language and the meaning behind language. Specifically, it deals with how we communicate ideas and suggestions to both ourselves and others.

For example, when someone is “highly suggestible,” a hypnotist can give a direct order and the person will probably act them out. They may suggest you “cluck like a chicken” and if you are suggestible enough you will follow through and pretend you are a chicken. Highly suggestible people make for great entertainment during staged shows.

However, hypnosis can also do something much deeper than just get people imagining weird scenarios and acting them out for fun. It can be an agent of real and powerful change that can greatly improve our lives.

A daily prayer is like a daily affirmation.

One of the most popular techniques in personal development literature is the use of affirmations. An affirmation is a suggestion you say to yourself on a frequent basis in hopes of creating a positive change in your life. Similar to a prayer.

For example, someone who has a short temper may want to use the affirmation: “I will be more calm and understanding when dealing with others.”

If they say this on a daily basis, with a clear focus and strong intent, they may find themselves acting more calmly and understanding to others. That is how affirmations work in a nutshell.

One of the books that first popularized the use of affirmations was Napoleon Hill’s “Think and Grow Rich,” which was first published in 1937 (if you have ever read a personal development book ever, than you have certainly heard of this book).

However, the real origins of affirmations can probably be traced back to 19th century psychiatrist Émile Coué, discoverer of the placebo effect. (Coué noticed that he could improve the effectiveness of a drug by praising its effectiveness to his patients – another form of hypnosis or suggestion, but I’ll have to get more into this in later posts).

Coué’s famous affirmation was known as The Coué Method, which stated: “Everyday, in every way, I am getting better and better.” This was arguably one of the first affirmations, and it marked the beginning of personal development as we know it today.

Prayers are affirmation on steroids.

There is a lot of crap today about how to do affirmations. Some say as long as you read it 100 times a day and drill it in your head that they will work. I disagree. A meaningless affirmation repeated over and over won’t get you anywhere.

In order for any kind of suggestion to work, it must mean something and you must believe in its effectiveness.

If you go to Google searching for “daily affirmations,” you can find plenty that can help. However, the best affirmations are the one’s that come from your own creation, because they are the ones that are most meaningful to you – and that’s what really counts.

Similarly, in Thich Nhat Hanh’s book The Energy of Prayer, he emphasizes that a prayer is most effective when we don’t see its power as separate from ourselves, but a power that comes from within.

This is why I recommend you write your own prayers, which is really nothing more than a series of affirmations that best suit you and your goals.

An example of a prayer I wrote.

I’m going to write something on the spot, right now, to give you an idea of how your prayer might look when you are finished.

Let’s pretend I’m writing a prayer to help me improve my health.

Dear God,

Please give me the awareness and strength to make healthier decisions.

Before a meal, give me the awareness to know what I should and shouldn’t eat.

Throughout the day, give me the strength to exercise and stay fit.

Never let me forget that my body and mind are one,

And I must take care of both.

Thank you.

Okay, so I literally wrote this up in a minute, but the effect won’t occur unless I take this prayer seriously and read it on a daily basis.

The advice is simple and commonsense, but a quick reminder like this can help me cultivate healthier habits and take better care of myself throughout the day.

Here are some tips for making your daily prayer more effective:

• Use language that is meaningful to you.

Words like “awareness” and “strength” are important to me when trying to act healthier, so I made sure to include both in the prayer.

• Make your intentions clear.

You don’t want to send yourself mixed signals. Make sure you know exactly what you are aiming to achieve.

• Be focused when you recite your prayer.

Don’t just rush through your prayer. Minimize distractions and recite it with a clear and focused mind.

• Make it a long prayer or repeat certain lines.

My prayer was short, but I could have myself repeat it 3-5 times to amplify the effect. In the past, I have written much longer prayers, and this helps me to convey an even clearer message about what I want to change.

• Repeat it on a frequent basis.

Optimally, once or twice a day is best. But even just a weekly reminder can help reinstate your motive going into the next week.

Internal change vs. External demands

Some of you reading this may find this advice similar to Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret. However, I think there is an important distinction that needs to be made when talking about intentions and intention-manifesting.

Like I said earlier, the power of prayer is not something outside of ourselves. When we pray, we are not demanding something from the universe, but stimulating a change in ourselves to make things happen.

Sitting in a room all day praying cannot make you more healthy or wealthy all by itself. The idea is to change your mind first, and then your actions will follow.

You will know when your prayers are effective based on the results you get through your speech and behavior. If your prayer isn’t changing the way you act, then you need to change the way you pray.

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As always, thanks for your time.

Think back ten or twenty years from now, you were probably a different person then. Your body was different, your thoughts were different, and your actions were different. Did you consciously make that change? Maybe for some things, but overall you probably weren’t even aware of how much you were changing. Only in retrospect do we fully realize how different we’ve become.

People don’t usually need to read about “personal development” to make a change in their life. It just happens – like a cicada leaving its shell or a butterfly leaving its cocoon. We all go through our own process of metamorphosis. Change is the natural state of affairs and the only thing that is truly certain. As Heraclitus once said, “You could not step twice into the same river; for other waters are ever flowing on to you.” (Tweet this quote). This quote perfectly illustrates our world as in a constant state of flux.

The fact that everything is always changing is actually somewhat of a double-edged sword. On one hand, when we feel depressed or angry or frustrated, we know it’s not going to last. On the other hand, when we feel happy or blissful or secure, we also know that it too is not going to last.

It is just like the story of King Solomon’s ring, a ring which has the “magical” ability to make a sad person happy or a happy person sad. What is so special about the ring? Nothing, except that it has the words “This too shall pass” engraved in it. Why would these words make a sad person happy or a happy person sad? Because it tells us that nothing is permanent.

Humans, as intelligent as we think we are, believe that we can resist this change or even transcend it. We like to think of ourselves as everlasting, and we often find ourselves reinforcing this belief whenever we say things like “This is just who I am” or “This is how I have always been.”

Of course, any amount of inquiry into these statements tells us that they just aren’t so. How can you possible compare you, as a fetus still in the womb, to you, now with a family and a 40-hour-a-week job? They aren’t the same you!

A world of constant change doesn’t need to cause chaos or displeasure in one’s life. It is only when we cling to a particular mental state or belief (or even a physical possession) that we fight tooth-and-nail not to lose it. But by letting go of our need to cling, we can embrace change and maximize our personal evolution.

Here are a few suggestions:

• Stop thinking of yourself as a fixed entity.
• Accept that you are a different person today than you once were.
• Accept that you will be a different person in the future than you are today.

With these ideas in mind you no longer have to fight change, and it begins to come more effortlessly. Sure, you will still have values, beliefs, intentions and goals, but they too will always be changing – and that is okay!

We exhaust so much effort in trying to maintain our identity or ego without understanding that its nature is to change, grow, and expand. The tighter we hold on to our identity, the more we restrict it from reaching its potential.

Exercise: Watch The Weather Change

Take 20-30 minutes out of your day, go outside, and watch how the weather changes. Notice clouds passing by, changes in sunlight, an oncoming storm, the sky changing color, stars shifting, or whatever happens to be changing in that particular moment. Make a mental note of all the things you witness.

The point of this exercise is to be more mindful of just how dynamic our world really is (and in return how dynamic we really are). Even something as simple as the weather (which we commonly think of as in the “background” of our world) is in a constant state of flux. At the very least, this is a great metaphor for the unconscious changes that take place in our own personal development. At best, it is a real-life example of just how dynamic the cosmic order is.

For a bigger effect, do this during sunrise or sunset.

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