Those who are haunted by feelings of loneliness, anxiety, fear, worthlessness, or hate – open your ears wide – because I want to share with you something that I find is a very important factor in overcoming any kind of depression.
Depression can be a vicious cycle. It can feel like there is no way of breaking it because everywhere we are and in everything we do it lurks within the shadows of our existence. In certain moments life may feel more bearable than others, but those dark feelings often come back. It is as if our being is trapped in this bubble of gloom.
But it is just not so. Depression is a reaction to an event or set of conditions in one’s life, all of which are just as transient as the flicker of a smile on a child’s face or the rising and setting of the moon.
Like all experiences, depression is felt moment-by-moment. You can probably already identify different UPs and DOWNs within your depressive state. It is always moving. It is always changing. It is always evolving and manifesting in different forms.
But it is not like a train without a conductor. There is a way to be a part of the process and change the direction you are heading. Here are some guidelines I found most useful in overcoming my own depression. I hope they have a similar effect on you.
Gratitude towards suffering
Why be grateful for suffering? It sounds a bit counter-intuitive – but perhaps that is part of why you have not been able to let go of these feelings for the past few weeks, months, or years.
But there is something to be grateful for. If none of us experience suffering or depression or loneliness from time-to-time, it may be that we aren’t truly alive. For those things are all a byproduct of consciousness itself and life is something to be grateful for.
Some may choose a path of suicide in order to relinquish themselves from this massive suffering. But this is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and it denies the greatest gift we have: the breath of life. Without which we are in a state that is much worse than depression – nonexistence.
The breath. The breath that connects us to our world. That cool air that comes in through our nostrils and screams “I am! I exist!” What a beautiful thing it is to be a part of that. I often argue that life itself is the greatest gift we can receive in this world or any other. Depression is but one aspect of this incredible existence, and despite its pain, it is something that we can show gratitude towards. I don’t want you to just accept that you are depressed, but be thankful that you have had the opportunity.
What disturbs can motivate us towards growth
When I was depressed several years ago my life turned completely grey. I can swear that when I look back at those times there was no color in my world at all. There was no brightness or zest for life, just dullness and apathy. It was my first year in college. I had no friends. And being the incredibly introverted person that I was it was difficult to make contact with anyone. I had a roommate, but he was a junior with a girlfriend so he spent all of his time with her. He never stayed in the room for more than 30 minutes at a time (usually to take a shower or pick up some books). But he never even slept in his own bed – he was basically nonexistent and I had the room to myself. In retrospect, it was a potentially good thing that I had wasted, but during that time it only amplified my ability to isolate myself from everything and everyone.
I only left that vacant dorm for two reasons: classes and food. And during the deepest depths of my state I recall crossing the streets without looking, hoping for some car to hit me just so that I could once again feel something – some sort of life, at best it might even rid myself of this shitty existence for good.
At least during those times when I left my dorm I was around people. But the most discomforting moments were the times laying in my bed, unable to sleep, and thinking how much longer this could last before I would have to end my life. When the thought first entered my mind I was shocked. I never considered myself someone who could end their own existence. Surely, it couldn’t have been that bad? How would I even have the guts to do it?
It is within these deep states of contemplation where a catalyst for change often emerges. I knew I had two choices: run away forever or mend things back up and strive for the excellence in life I had always dreamed of as a little boy.
How to see depression
In my recent ebook “Mental Health, Energy, And Human Alchemy” (which you can get for free if you subscribe to my newsletter), I describe negative states as valuable signs telling us what areas of our life we need to pay greater attention to. At least that is how my depression worked for me.
My depression felt everlasting – I felt powerless – but when I dived into those feelings, thoughts, and memories and I explored them with full intent I noticed that my mind was trying to tell me something. It was telling me, “something has to change, this current path is unsustainable and you need to find what dissatisfies you and overcome it.” Most importantly my mind was saying, “This doesn’t have to be forever. This can be defeated.”
Depression was the cocoon to my butterfly.
Thus I began to search for clues; I turned my depression into an adventure. I began reading the words of NLP co-founder Richard Bandler and his predecessor the American psychiatrist and hypnotherapist Milton H. Erickson. These two had a refreshing perspective on mind. They saw it as an entity that is designed to work for you, not against you.
They saw all emotions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs as tools. They could be learned, developed, and understood like anything else. They weren’t there to contribute to your demise – they were there to benefit from.
Depression wasn’t just a result of a pathetic life, it was the first step towards happiness.
This way of framing mental illness blew my mind wide open.
Mental health is the development of skills
Time is moving, we call it life. Things are always changing. We study those things and call it knowledge – science. As sentient beings we have the capacity to learn about these things – to retain them and apply them to our life to improve our conditions. We are the only beings we know of that can adapt in such intricate ways.
We have beliefs, perspectives, values. These are tools. We use them in the same way a carpenter uses a hammer to make a building. Like other tools, they are human inventions and also imperfect. They only work in certain situations and when they become outdated we use newer technology.
The belief that depression is just another one of the many stepping stones of life. That is a skill. It is a change in perspective that takes work to accomplish. You can’t just read these words – understand them – and believe that you are better (although certainly that is a positive step in itself).
In fact, any kind of mental health is hard work. Whether you are reading affirmations or taking 1mg of Clonazepam every day, there are no magic potions to cure most mental shortcomings. They often originate through a variety of different biological, psychological, and social factors; that is why you need to put in the effort to developing different skills of seeing your world and how you act in it. When things are serious, your whole life needs be implemented in new ways.
This concept I am proposing to you is no different. You need to practice it and be consistent in order to integrate it into the new you. This is no different than the lessons Richard Bandler and Milton H. Erickson taught to their students.
The belief is this: no matter where you are you are on the right path.
Non-duality
Think of the symbol of the Yin-Yang for a second:
It is an amazing illustrations on the play of opposites in our daily life. The dynamics and evolution of being.
Also, note that even on the side of dark there is a bit of light, and on the side of light there is a bit of dark. I think this very strongly alludes to the concept of nonduality that is so prevalent in eastern philosophy. The idea is that while two things may seem distinct and separate, they are actually one in the same.
Instead of thinking of depression as a separate entity to happiness, we should see them as part of a single continuum. Again, this is actually one of the key concepts I go over in my new ebook.
But in fact you can apply this idea to any mental shortcoming. Here are just a few quick examples:
- Depression is the first step towards happiness.
- Ignorance is the first step towards knowledge.
- Confusion is the first step towards understanding.
- Anxiety is the first step towards confidence.
- Hate is the first step towards love.
- Darkness is the first step towards light.
Infinite wisdom
As you can see the ideas in this post aren’t anything new. They have been around for ages and are still being echoed today. These voices should never die. Everyone should know that things work themselves out; that everlasting change is not only our friend but our nature.
To learn more about my thoughts on the spiritual aspect of change please check out my article, “This Too Shall Pass (A Lesson In Impermanence),” where I begin with a great Jewish folktale on Solomon’s ring.
If you are interested in knowing more about the philosophy of Non-Duality I recommend this article by Bhikkhu Bodhi on Access To Insight (a very great site all around).
Never stop exploring and always see the light in the dark. Make your life heroic.
P.S. I am not a psychotherapist, but if you do want to talk to someone about your depression I am always available at stevenh@theemotionmachine.com.
hello steven,
this is deep stuff broken down into bits and pieces and i love it.
i just hope some readers wouldnt think you are trivializing clinical depression because you are not!!!
i got the link to the ebook and would download it, read and let you have my comments.
while i am not a fan of richard bandler, the context quoted here is justified.
once again this was an interesting read.
have a lovely weekend.
Not only am I not trivializing it, I am amplifying its importance. For me, depression was one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. It motivated me to reflect on my whole life and get it back together. Not saying it is easy – but depression can be a very valuable state of mind if you ever find yourself in it.
Hi Steven — great reminder to acknowledge and have gratitude for what some might consider to be negative.
When I look back at some of my challenges, I can see that there was a lesson that I needed to learn. So now, when another challenge arises I ask, “what is the lesson here?” “What am I supposed to learn from this situation?”
It is by asking these questions that I can have Gratitude for what might be a sad or ‘depressing’ event. It is also helpful to recognize that the situation / event is given whatever meaning we attach to it. Here we can reframe accordingly
Til next time,
Kim
well written article, a unique and refreshing perspective. great explanations and written in a clear and easy to understand way.
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by NeuralCorrelate: Depression Is Just A Stepping Stone http://ow.ly/1oxRzH #depression #mentalhealth #selfhelp #therapy #healing #blog #psych #spirituality…
This is an important post. Thank you for bringing attention to depression and the downward spiral the lack of connections can bring about.
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Hey Steven,
This was an interesting read and really speaks volumes about changing the way one views depression. I agree; there is light (and darkness) in all things. The thing to remember is the one exists to point to the other so that we learn to stop viewing things as “good” and “bad” and instead view a person or situation as “is”. Awesome post!
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@Kim – Exactly, and when you ask questions like “What is the lesson here?” you are not only being grateful but finding VALUE in something that many may consider worthless. Negative states do have value, that is what makes them so important for personal growth.
@J.P. Saling – Thank you!
@Jane – Communicating your depression is important – whether it to others or just yourself – the point is to ACKNOWLEDGE it exists.
@Michael Stagg – Good point!
[...] Rob: You’ve written multiple articles on happiness and how to obtain it. Part of the problem I’ve seen with research on [...]
Steven, thanks for posting this. Too often do I view depression as something that needs to be banished immediately, instead of something to examine and consider. Great blog. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Once again a wonderfully written post that can inspire hope for those suffering from depression. As Sarah McLaughlin sings, that “sweet madness this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees” can be a source of great creativity. A pathway to some deeper meaning. I look forward to reading your ebook.
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