Relationships have costs. We may not always like to look at them in that way, but maintaining a relationship often means spending valuable time, money, and energy. If we find ourselves in relationships without a net gain, then we may question whether or not we should keep these relationships in our lives.
One fact you have to accept: some relationships throughout your life may be worth ending.
People can abuse people in a number of ways: physically, mentally, financially, spiritually, etc. Maintaining long-term relationships with people who take part in these abuses will suck the life out of you in the long-term. Unfortunately, that’s a huge cost that some people seem willing to bare; but I personally don’t think we can live truly satisfying lives with these burdens constantly looming over our shoulders.
For one reason or another, some people stay stuck in relationships that end up being a net loss. Despite the costs, we may stay in these relationships for multiple reasons:
- You don’t think you can find anything better.
- You think things will eventually improve.
- You are compelled to stick with the status quo.
- You’re ignoring the long-term costs of the relationships.
Take for example my friend Todd. Every time I speak to him he has something to complain about regarding his girlfriend. “She never leaves me alone/She always wants me to buy her new stuff/She hates my friends.” Every time it’s a never-ending spew of complaints. It makes you wonder if the relationship is really worth it. Seriously, if you rarely enjoy yourself around her, and there are all these problems in the relationship, then do the benefits really outweigh the costs? And if they don’t – are you willing to cut your losses short?
As painful as it is to be in these kinds of relationships, it only hurts more when we prolong them. But because most people are very loss averse, they stay invested in these relationships hoping that they will turn around.
This is one example of the the sunk cost fallacy (as applied to relationships). Sometimes people over-invest in a losing relationship, hoping that they will eventually win back their losses. Instead however these over-investments only lead to more costs and more pain.
In a worst case scenario, this can turn into a vicious cycle where losses continue to pile up until we are physically, mentally, financially, or spiritually bankrupt.
This is what will happen if Todd stays together with his girlfriend. She is mentally burdensome (never leaving him alone), she is financially burdensome (always asking for her boyfriend to pay for expensive things), and even burdensome on Todd’s other relationships (she hates his friends and wants him to find new ones). If Todd really values his free time and friends, he should dump her.
But it’s not necessarily my decision to tell you (or Todd) what to value in a relationship. Maybe all Todd cares about is the sex, and he’s willing to be his girlfriend’s pet in order to achieve that value (because it means so much to him). That’s ultimately his choice.
The big point I want to make is that relationships can have costs, and sometimes those costs outweigh the benefits. If you find this is true for some of your relationships, you may want to consider putting it to a respectful end (especially if it is something that is likely to persist into the future). Don’t wait until you are bankrupt: know when your values are being violated and start doing something about it.
Question: How do you know when to end a relationship? What are some warning signs that the relationship isn’t going to work out?
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July 3rd, 2011
A couple of comments.
For the things complained about there is usually some 'benefit' for the person doing the complaining. Such as confirming the idea that they are a bad person.
If people wish to give without receiving this is a noble path. I do think that walking this path means doing it with joy. For instance a parent caring for a disabled child or vice versa (I know you probably weren't thinking of this situation).
My recent post Resolving family weight loss issues
July 4th, 2011
>"For the things complained about there is usually some 'benefit' for the person doing the complaining."
Yes, I thought of this while writing, but thought it was too small a point to make. It's true that people can get some relief/benefit from complaining. And it's also true that people sometimes exaggerate their complaints – meaning the situation isn't as bad as the person usually makes it out to be.
At the same time, I can't stand people who constantly complain (and I'm talking about more than occasional pet peeves). If someone is one of those constant complainers I recommend: changing your situation (if you really don't like something then do something about it – don't just whine about it to others) – OR – changing your mindset (excessive complaining only makes you enjoy the situation less, you're usually not accomplishing anything by exaggerating the difficulties in your life).
I know it sounds a bit harsh. And I know, ironically, I'm complaining about complaining. People certainly have a right to complain about their relationships all they want, but I personally won't associate with people who do it excessively.
>"If people wish to give without receiving this is a noble path. I do think that walking this path means doing it with joy. For instance a parent caring for a disabled child or vice versa (I know you probably weren't thinking of this situation)."
I'm not sure if people ever give anything without receiving something in return. Even charity, or taking care of a disabled child, is an achievement of some value (something like love, compassion, etc. – remember values are much more than just material goods). That's important to keep in mind when I talk of "costs" and "benefits" – many are psychological.
Thanks for the thoughts as always Evan!
July 4th, 2011
Hi Sean,
I'd like to add a point here: Todd's relationship issues are simply indications of the beliefs he holds about women, himself and relationships in general. If he simply breaks up with her and doesn't fix those issues within himself, he will attract the same situation over and over again. For me, the litmus test of whether or not to end the relationship is this: Are you able to use the current relationship to shift your energy? If the current situation is so painful and distracting that you can't make the shift (because you can't ignore what IS), then get out and go and work on yourself alone.
Hugs,
Melody
My recent post Why You Should Take the Time to Praise Others
July 4th, 2011
Hey Melody,
Steven here!
>"Todd's relationship issues are simply indications of the beliefs he holds about women."
Perhaps, but I think his beliefs are justified. A significant other doesn't own you and shouldn't have complete control over your life. If my SO is telling me to break it off with the rest of my friends, then she is probably crossing her bounds, and I'd tell her to hit the high road.
>"For me, the litmus test of whether or not to end the relationship is this: Are you able to use the current relationship to shift your energy?"
You can shift energy in yourself, but you can't always shift energy in another person. It's important not to take FULL responsibility for the flaws in your relationship. Remember, it's a two-way process, and you're not going to be able to change everyone (they have a free will of their own). Sometimes you're BOTH better off if you drift apart.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Melody!
July 4th, 2011
Hi Sean, you are making some really harsh points there!
For now it seems the relationship Todd got himself into isn't quite bad enough yet for him to end it and to make a change. Just like Melody mentioned above, I do believe that people in bad/toxic relationships need to change their thoughts in order to not attract any more of these costly and unfulfilling relationships. Michaela
July 4th, 2011
Hey EnrichingLife – my name is Steven actually.
I think Todd's situation is bad enough (from my point of view), but if he wants to end it or not is going to depend on his values and whether or not he can change some of the things he doesn't like.
Yes, our beliefs can certainly attract bad relationships in our lives. That's an important thing to consider. If you have insecurities deep down, then you are going to attract people who feed off those.
Thanks for stopping by!
July 5th, 2011
Hey Steven,
This is a good topic, and Shynesssocialanxiety seems to be talked about a lot lately. It's a good product I think.
I've been in a relationship with a girl for just over 6 months, and I recently ended it. I love her and love spending time together, but there are also things about the relationship and her that I see as serious future problems.
I noticed these things from the beginning but didn't care too much, because everything was fun and playful. But as time went on, there comes a point where you need to decide if this is what you want or not.
Breaking up is never easy, especially when you get into a routine of seeing each other all the time. But when the relationship isn't working, and you give it a couple of tries after almost calling it quits and it still doesn't work as it should, then it's best to part on friendly terms. YOu never know how things will go in future.
CHeers
Diggy
July 9th, 2011
Very nice topic..this is very helpful, but still can't break up with my girl, i gotta do stupid things so she will the one to dump, i just do want to take the credit of dumping any girl, specially the once that i used to love..
AML
July 9th, 2011
Thank you Steven! Sometimes we have to face the truth and realize that what may wrong in the relationship (or the cycles we go through) have to do with US. The first step I had to take was to let go of what no longer serves me as a person in order to break the cycle.
My recent post Self Worth Series: A True Examination
July 19th, 2011
What an interesting post, Steven. I would like to consider myself a veteran of 'failed' relationships, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It's because these 'failed' attempts at finding true love helped transform me into the enlightened person that I am now. There are probably more reasons to hate someone than to like them, so finding a reason to end a relationship is the easy part. Finding a VALID reason is a different story. The reason for this is, like most things, relationships come in different packages. There are worthwhile and meaningful ones, and there are those that are shallow and have no substance. The worthwhile ones you don't let go of easily, since these are difficult to replace or surpass. You are so right about relationships being costly, and how sometimes the costs outweigh the benefits. I'm also glad you brought up the topic of abuse, which is a clear sign of a valid reason to part ways. I was told by an ex girlfriend once that she would let go of us if the relationship if it became unhealthy. We never really had fights like your friend Todd did with his girl, or fell for anyone else, but we spent so much time a part that we began to outgrow each other. It became unhealthy, and we both felt that it was a valid enough reason to end our relationship.
My recent post how to kiss a girl
July 20th, 2011
Hi Steven,
I can clearly relate to this topic.
I used to end a relationship with my friends during high school. They fought and I was put in the middle because I didn't want to take sides and the other was accusing me of being a spy of the other. I got hopeless so I ended it right there.
July 25th, 2011
The situation with Todd is same as me….but the problem with me is i can't say no to her…and i am finding it hard to break it off….what should i do…..i am scared that she might do something stupid!!