When we feel really bad about something and we look toward others for social support, what are we really searching for?
Do we want them to give us positive advice and make us feel better about our situation, or do we want them to just accept our feelings and let us know they are healthy and normal to have?
In a recent study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers looked at how individuals can best provide social support to those who suffer from negative emotions and low self-esteem.
What they found was that individuals with low self-esteem didn’t respond well to advice like “cheer up” or “look on the bright side.” Instead, the type of social support they were looking for was negative validation.
Negative validation is giving other permission to feel negative and express their negative emotions. It allows the other person to feel that their negative emotions are natural and appropriate, and they don’t need to avoid them.
We have to give ourselves permission to feel the whole range of human emotions – both the positive and the negative. So when you feel depressed, or angry, or guilty, allow yourself to accept those emotions and fully experience them.
If you want, try to find ways to express them in a healthy and honest way – such as through meaningful conversation, or transforming it into a piece of art, or using it as motivation to change yourself.
The big lesson is: it helps to be honest about our negative thoughts and feelings. And this is why we look toward others to support us by accepting our negative mindset and not trying to change us.
Negative validation is important to provide for both ourselves and others, because it teaches us not feel bad about feeling bad. We need people in our lives who are good at just listening and not always trying to give us advice.
Has it ever happened to you when someone comes to ask you for help, but you later find out they aren’t really asking you for help, they just wanted someone to talk to about their problems?
Most people just want their thoughts and feelings to be heard. And more times than not, simply listening to someone vent their frustrations is more effective than trying to offer advice or change them.
This is what “negative validation” is all about – allowing negative emotions to be considered valid, not irrational or wrong.
Are you giving yourself permission to experience negative emotions? Are you giving others permission to experience negative emotions? Hopefully you are, because we all need to give ourselves space to be negative sometimes.
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