The problem with this view is that it is rarely an accurate depiction of reality. Instead, their self-perception has created the fact. Low self-esteem often turns into a feedback loop of negative attitudes→ negative actions → negative results. And once we have recycled this process over and over again (hundreds, if not thousands of times), we begin to accept it as the only possible reality that exists, which is often not the case.

Negative self-esteem is a process that can be broken out of, but we have to do it mindfully. Some people begin to do some self-reflection and they notice the negative affects of their views and beliefs. But, in a fit of desperation, they go to the other extreme and begin to turn selfish and narcissistic. They start to think the whole world should bend to their will and that they deserve everything (because maybe this will finally bring it to them). But just like the self-pitying individual, the narcissist will also find themselves unsatisfied.

Narcissism is sometimes described as “excessive self-love.” It is when we see ourselves as the center of the universe and deserving of everything that it has to offer. This attitude is incredibly unattractive to others, because it often creates vanity and self-obsession. When one becomes solely concerned with oneself and one’s own desires, it is tough to build meaningful and satisfying relationships with others. While the goal of narcissistic individuals is to achieve their own happiness, they rarely find it before changing their ways.

Self-Pity vs. Narcissism
Put a halt to black and white thinking.

Narcissism and self-pity are equally extreme and detrimental to one’s pursuit of happiness. But sometimes black-and-white thinking makes us believe that we need to choose between the two. However, I see them as two different manifestations of the same process.

People who are narcissistic may seem like they actually “love” themselves, but I see it as a facade to a deeper feeling of insecurity. When I see people boast and brag endlessly, it is almost as if they need to “prove themselves” to others. And how can someone who needs to constantly be validated by other people possibly have “healthy self-esteem?”

In the same way, I’ve noticed how my own past attitudes of negative self-perception and low self-esteem have led me to become increasingly narcissistic and arrogant. I thought that since one view didn’t work, the view’s opposite extreme would have to work. But I was dead wrong. I forced myself to believe the opposite, but ignored confronting my insecurities in a realistic way.

Healthy Self-Esteem
Acknowledge both strengths and shortcomings.

Healthy self-esteem requires that we can acknowledge and appreciate our strengths, but also accept our shortcomings and insecurities. This process begins by understanding that everyone excels in some areas of life, but not so much in others. Perfection is a myth of human nature, and once we relinquish that desire for it, we are free to be ourselves without seeking unrealistic ideals

When we acknowledge our strengths, we find value in ourselves, and we become more motivated to build on those strengths. When we acknowledge our shortcomings, we can try to improve those which are in our control, and let go of worrying about the ones that we can’t control.

Some of this requires self-awareness and self-reflection. Merely jamming affirmations down your throat won’t mean anything if you haven’t developed a clearer understanding of what you value, what you believe, what you want to achieve, and what you are capable of. It is important that we always ask ourselves what we truly value and believe before adopting what other people tell us we should value and believe. No one’s perspective can substitute your own self-awareness.

In this way, we are partly responsible for our values, beliefs, actions, and accomplishments. This can lead to a great feeling when we find ourselves taking positive action and achieving these values. Please don’t hesitate to relish in pride every now and then. If you achieve something great, you deserve to feel great for it. That’s a healthy part of the balance.

Accepting our responsibility can also lead us to feel even worse when we don’t get what we want – because we realize that we may be partly to blame. Feeling blame and guilt isn’t always a bad thing, sometimes it’s a sign that you realize you did something wrong and you want to change it. It shows your human, and it shows you’re willing to work on your occasional shortcomings. Don’t feel down just for feeling down, allow yourself to experience these feelings because they are often a sign of emotional intelligence. Listen to your feelings – whether “positive” or “negative” – because often there is a nugget of knowledge there to help guide you into the future.

People with healthy self-esteem don’t need to always feel awesome (which the typical narcissist craves). Instead, they can be comfortable in these “negative” states too – even the occasional burst of self-doubt, which is a natural phase we all go through during certain periods of our life. At the same time, those with healthy self-esteem don’t get addicted to self-doubt like others may. They allow themselves to experience it, then learn from it, let it go, and move on putting their best foot forward.

Those with healthy self-esteem have a deeper sense of self-awareness that goes beyond “surface feelings” of pleasure, pain, good, bad. They see the bigger picture, and recognize themselves as a more dynamic “whole” than what these false dichotomies usually have to offer (pleasure/pain, good/bad, right/wrong). Black-and-white thinking is rarely an accurate depiction of reality, and often a smart, ongoing balance needs to be practiced.

Basic Principles of Healthy Self-Esteem
A summary of some key ideas when cultivating healthier self-esteem.

Healthy self-esteem varies from person to person. What makes me feel good about myself may be remarkable different than what makes you feel good about yourself. Despite these differences, I think there are some basic principles that we should keep in mind:

• I am a multi-dimensional person with both strengths and weakness.
• I am dynamic and constantly growing and evolving in new ways.
• I can take my strengths and build upon them.
• I can take many of my weakness and improve them.
• I can let go of weakness I have no control over.
• I have no desire to seek the myth of “perfection.”
• I don’t have to prove myself to others.
• I know my values and goals in life and how to act on them.
• I am capable of overcoming obstacles and learning from failures.
• I give myself permission to be proud of my accomplishments.
• I give myself permission to be frustrated or doubt myself from time-to-time.
• I don’t get addicted to either narcissism or self-pity.
• I am comfortable taking compliments from others on my achievements.
• I am comfortable taking criticism from others.
• I can take an optimistic view of myself while still be grounded in reality.
• I know how to reframe and engage in positive self-talk.
• Having self-esteem doesn’t have to be selfish. I can motivate, inspire, and help others by being a positive role model (see Magnetic Self-Esteem for a great example of this by Bruce Lee).
• Engage in activities that you are good at, but also challenge yourself.
• Take responsibility for actions in your life that you can change.
• Live so that you can go to sleep being content with how you spent your day.

These are just a few principles and tips that I believe can lead to healthier self-esteem. However, you have to also keep in mind that practice is more important than theory. Reading advice in this post may give you an idea on the types of things you need to change (both in your thoughts and in your actions), but ultimately this advice won’t mean anything unless you take active steps to make a change.

Questions

1) Have you ever went through a period in your life where you were trapped in excessive self-pity and/or narcissim?

2) If so, is it something you are still going through or have you overcome it? What helped you overcome it?

3) What is your definition of “healthy self-esteem?”

I partially agree, but I also find his position a bit absolutist:

“When you think you control something, you’re wrong.”

No, at least not always. When I consciously make a decision, I’m taking control over my actions. When I choose to say something nice, hug someone, or do some other act of loving-kindness, I am indeed taking control over my pattern of behavior.

“Consider the fish. A fish swims in a chaotic sea that it cannot possibly control — much as we all do. The fish, unlike us, is under no illusion that it controls the sea, or other fish in the sea. The fish doesn’t even try to control where it ends up — it just swims, either going with the flow or dealing with the flow as it comes. It eats, and hides, and mates, but does not try to control a thing.”

It may be a bit presumptuous for any of us to try and understand the psychology of a fish, but I would argue that a fish is not under the assumption that it has no control over anything.

Have you ever tried to catch a fish with a net before? The fish does not sit idly, drifting with the current, going wherever destiny seems to take it; instead, it reacts to the net by moving away and seeking freedom.

How much of the fish’s actions are conscious or unconscious is beside the point, the fish acts as if it has a mind of it’s own (and I would argue it does!), and this mind determines some of that fish’s destiny.

If a boat comes by and kills the fish, sure, there may have been nothing in that fish’s capacity to change those circumstances. But just because some things are outside of our control doesn’t mean everything is outside of our control. Often there is a middle ground – and there should be a balanced understanding between what is inside our control and what is outside of our control.

The stoics were one of the first schools of philosophy to take this compatibilist approach to the question of free will vs. determinism. One of the core tenets of their philosophy was finding the balance between the consequences of free will (which they defined as “prohairesis”) and the consequences of what they called “cosmic determinism.” They believed both were intertwined into the laws of causality that determine our reality.

In other words, we are neither complete puppets to external circumstances, nor are we the sole determiners of our reality. There is in-fact a gray area between this black-and-white approach.

Buddhism takes a similar compatibilist approach, although it is more practical than theoretical. Buddhists believe that through meditation one can increase attention and gain insight into what thoughts and attitudes influence their behavior. Then, using this knowledge, we can learn how to change our pattern of behavior by living more consciously and adopting new attitudes. This is why mindfulness has shown to be effective for exercising better self-control over impulsive decision-making often found in those with addictions or Borderline Personality Disorder. (See Alan Wallace’s “Achieving Free Will: A Buddhist Perspective” (PDF) for more on this pragmatic approach to free will and determinism.)

The point I think Leo Babauta was trying to make is that many people sometimes overestimate their influence over their world. This can be an unhealthy attitude because it leads us to assign unnecessary blame for things that are outside of our control. A best friend may get into a car accident, an earthquake happens in Japan, or a mother has a miscarriage, and they exclaim “Why me?! What did I do to deserve this?” The truth is sometimes things just happen regardless of what we do. Just like the fish gets hit by a boat and killed, we too experience things that we have no power to predict or control. This is a very important warning to keep in mind, and I’ve expanded on this idea before in posts like not everything is in your control.

At the same time, some people also have the tendency to underestimate their influence over their world. They become something like a lifeless automaton, letting the wind dictate wherever they go, without a care in the world as to where it may lead them. At times, such a “letting go” attitude can be beneficial, but other times it is a denial of our ability to change ourselves for the better. When we see a handicapped person crossing a road, it is not outside of our control to walk over and help them. In such a case, a “whatever be, will be” attitude actually inhibits us from making a positive difference.

We can’t control many things. We certainly can’t control the past, and our influence on the future is also limited. But in the present moment – when we make conscious decisions – we are indeed exercising our control over our lives and the lives of others. I don’t think it is smart to deny this responsibility.

Leo says in his “Illusion of Control” post that his new attitude allows him to stop making goals and plans. I have a hard time believing him. So he doesn’t meet up with friends at a restaurant or bar? What about when he goes to a blogging expo (that doesn’t require planning?!) Is there also no effort or planning involved when he writes a new post or book? Although he uses absolutist words in his article, I find it hard to believe that he can consistently practice this attitude at all times. In fact, the very action of trying to write a post that (presumably) changes people’s minds to believe in the “illusion of control,” ironically assumes some realm of control.

In Seligman’s earlier theories he identified 3 similar elements (you’ll notice overlap between both theories): The Pleasant Life (the “life of enjoyment”), The Good Life (the “life of engagement”), and The Meaningful Life (the “life of affiliation”).

In this post I want to really focus on something that I don’t usually write about, but is certainly beneficial to happiness: the pleasant life. The pleasant life is probably best depicted in the philosophy of hedonism, which holds the belief that pleasure is the only intrinsic good in this world. From a purely hedonistic standpoint: our happiness can be measured based on our amount of pleasurable experiences minus our amount of painful experiences.

While it is a simple (and primitive) worldview, I think there is a valid point to it. I remember in High School we had to write a persuasive essay on whether or not video games were good for children. My argument was fairly simple: video games are good because they bring children joy, and if we can’t have any fun in this world then what is the point of living? While my worldview today is a bit more in-depth and holistic, I still largely agree with this idea. We should be allowed to indulge ourselves every now and then.

My justification for self-indulgence actually stems from Buddha’s teaching of “The Middle Way.” Buddha describes the middle way as a path of moderation between the extremes of sensual indulgence and self-mortification. I think people who inhibit themselves from experiencing any pleasure or joy (extreme self-mortification) are just as bounded to suffering as those who are addicted to pleasure or joy (extreme self-indulgence). The key, as I often find, is that we need to do things “in moderation.”

People always seem to find some sort of crutch; if it is not drugs or alcohol, then it is sex, or food, or TV, etc. I’ve found all of these to be nice (and healthy) in small doses. In fact, when I give myself permission to drink on the weekends, or pig out at a fast food place, I find it much easier to manage these pleasures and keep my life balanced. But I know if I tried to inhibit myself from all of these available pleasures, I would eventually snap, and I may do something even more reckless than I would if I just kept myself balanced.

I know friends who have tried to hold themselves to some ridiculous “pure” moral standard in some aspect of their life, and they have all have eventually given in to some temptation. Maybe they never drank alcohol like they intended to (but secretly wanted to try), but they found some other unhealthy pleasure to take to an extreme. I see it everywhere. Anything can become an addiction. And it is so interesting to me how people who were once so “morally upstanding,” caved in and went to the other extreme.

Now, I’m not saying you need to start drinking some alcohol or eating fast food – but I am saying be mindful of your temptations. Often when we inhibit one, we empower another. I think part of it has to do with how our will-power works. When we exercise will-power in one task, it often becomes more difficult to exercise that will-power in future tasks. Will-power is a finite resource (although it can be strengthened by your beliefs or when applying reflective awareness or mindfulness). But despite how much we can strengthen our will, the fact remains that it is finite. If you spend your whole day fighting off every little temptation, then it’s more likely that you are going to “explode” at the end of the day, maybe turn on the TV and go through a liter of soda and a bag of Doritos.

Therefore, I think it is necessary and beneficial to know what pleasures are worth indulging in and keeping yourself satisfied. It might be better to give in to your will-power and drink a couple wine glasses at dinner every night, especially if it means having more will-power later on in the week to get work done in the office. It’s your decision – it should be based on your personal values – but I just want to make note that some indulgence is often better than attempting (unrealistically) to have no indulgence. Again, it’s the “middle way” that helps keep us balanced and sane. I’m not telling you what desires to indulge in specifically, just that some indulgence can often be good.

And really, why shouldn’t you enjoy yourself every now and then? If your pleasure-seeking doesn’t hurt anybody else, I believe you should have every right to partake in it. Even at the extreme, I have no disrespect for people who drink and smoke themselves to death before the age of 40. I really don’t. That is there choice – those were there values – and who am I to say how they should live their life? Some people would rather choose a high quality of life (in their eyes), rather than quantity of life. But not everything to everyone is about “living longer.” While their self-indulgence may be at what I would consider an unhealthy extreme, perhaps it works for them. I can’t say one way or the other.

Again, I don’t want to make it seem like I am promoting recklessness, but I have to be empathetic to people who choose to live differently than I do. Some people think it is just “commonsense” not to smoke cigarettes – I don’t. People have different values. Indulging in those pleasures may help that person cope through life better and enjoy themselves more. At times this can be acceptable behavior, especially if it can be exercised in moderation. The same goes for other pleasures: sex, junk food, TV, loud music, etc.

At the other end of the story, perhaps a Buddhist monk has a lower threshold for pleasure than I do. Maybe pleasure to them is just experiencing “bliss” during meditation or enjoying a walk in nature. Again, it’s not my place to define other people’s pleasure or joy, all I am saying is that indulging in these pleasures and joys need not be something we should feel guilty about. The balance is going to be different for everyone.