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The thesis of Aboujaoude’s book is that the world wide web can have a very profound affect on our sense of self. In fact, it can cause a kind of “digital divide” between our digital self, how we often think and behave online, and our offline self, how we often think and behave in face-to-face, “real world” interactions.

Aboujaoude has observed this divide in many of his own patients who engage heavily in online behavior – anywhere from creating fakes profiles on dating sites to impulsive online shopping to delusional thinking about reality (to the point where individuals begin to consider the reality of virtual worlds like Second Life and World of Warcraft more real than their lives offline).

Some of the case studies and examples in Virtually You are clearly reflective of individuals who already have a propensity for mental disorders. The internet just provided an outlet that exacerbated the problem, and clearly not everyone who engages in online behavior is going to develop a mental disorder.

However, the bigger lesson in Aboujaoude’s book is that the internet does play a very causal role in our lives and well being – and thus it is important to be very mindful of our online behavior. In addition to his case studies and anecdotes about patients and friends, Aboujaoude shares a lot of compelling research in psychology, neuroscience, economics, and sociology that seems to indicate that in many ways the internet is a unique kind of environment that creates a very different kind of self-perception (one which can affect both our online and offline behavior).

The author identifies several negative personality traits that tend to manifest in our e-personality or digital self:

Delusions of Grandeur

To many, the internet holds great promises of freedom, wealth, power, and opportunity.

One great example of this is the dot com bubble. When it first began, many people jumped into their own online business expecting easy money and overnight success. And while many companies did experience some temporary success, once the bubble burst they quickly discovered just how much of it was a false dream.

Of course, the internet can be a powerful tool that does increase opportunity for success, but for many it can also create delusions of grandeur and omnipotence. While on the web, it’s very easy to feel like “the sky is the limit” – thus everyone seems to think they are capable of some share of the fame, success, or power that the internet seems to be so abundant with.

This exaggerated perception only feeds our egos and causes us to act with “irrational exuberance” – often leading to some ultimately destructive behaviors and big disappointments. The dot com bubble is one of the most salient examples of this, but false hopes are built everyday when impressionable minds see the success experienced by YouTube sensations like Justin Bieber, or other internet success stories that seem to erupt almost spontaneously.

Everyday more and more people expect the internet to be their path to fame and fortune. In the book, Aboujaoude compares this exaggerated perception of opportunity to the California Gold Rush in the 19th century. And while the dot com bubble has already burst, Aboujaoude fears that – like a patient with bipolar disorder – more manic episodes are beginning to erupt due to the allure of success that plagues almost all corners of the internet.

Narcissism

Narcissism is a kind of excessive self-love, and another common byproduct of developing our e-personality or digital self. The fact is: due to our growing ability to customize and edit our online presence, it’s very easy to get caught in the trap of thinking we are more important than we really are. Anyone who uses sites like Facebook, YouTube, or Twitter has probably exaggerated some claims about themselves in order to seem more like their “ideal” self, even if it is just building your friends list so that you seem more popular.

Digital technology and the internet seem to provide us with a way to cover up our flaws and imperfections in a way we never could before. This includes anything from using photoshop to edit our pictures, to lying about our career on a forum or dating site, to acting with an inflated sense of self-importance while in a chatroom or forum. More and more, the gap between our “real self” and “digital self” seems to be growing greater and greater.

Similar to delusions of grandeur, the internet gives us an artificial sense of power over our own self-improvement and self-esteem. In some ways, Aboujaoude claims this reflects a drive for us to be more “God-like,” and the internet provides us with the tools to make this ideal self seem like more of a possibility than ever before.

With this kind of perceived opportunity, who would want to be tethered to the physical limitations of the real world? Why be old, short, fat, and bald when you can create a young, tall, dark, handsome version of yourself in a virtual world, like in Second Life? And instead of having to find a real girlfriend, you can just create an avatar of your ideal girlfriend? Many people are becoming increasingly infatuated with the freedom and customization of virtual worlds, and they are willing to neglect their offline lives in order to dedicate more and more time to their fantasies.

Aggression

This formation of a “digital self” often doesn’t just harm our own self-perception, but also the people we choose to treat while inhabiting this self. Because the internet can give us a superficial sense of power and authority, many people often abuse this power by hurting others. Cyberbullying especially is becoming a huge problem in schools everywhere. Some victims have been so badly harassed online that they have dropped out of school or even committed suicide.

Unlike traditional bullying, the identity of the cyberbully is unknown in almost half the cases. This kind of anonymity often causes individuals to act in ways far more cruelly and with less inhibition than they would in face-to-face interactions. In other words, the internet creates an environment that can often bring out the very worst in people. Once individuals begin hiding behind a mouse and keyboard, morality tends to be thrown out the window, because most people are never held accountable for their actions.

In addition, time spent in other virtual environments, such as in violent videogames, has also been shown to increase offline aggression in children, teens, and young adults. In a cross-cultural longitudinal study done by psychologist Craig Anderson, of the Center for the Study of Violence at Iowa State University, researchers studied 1,500 participants over the course of a year and found that individuals who played violent videogames on a regular basis were twice as likely to show aggressive tendencies later in the year (compared to those who were not engaged in these videogames). Researchers of the study attribute this effect in videogames to it’s interactive nature, and the idea that games often reward players for killing, and over time desensitive them to the moral consequences of violence.

Similar phenomenon of desensitization can also be seen in individuals who watch gory and disturbing videos online (such as terrorists getting their heads chopped off, or a woman stomping a helpless kitten to death with her stiletto heels). Many internet users show an offbeat curiosity for watching these kinds of videos, but they are also unaware of how these videos warp our perceptions of reality and habituate us to some truly violent and disturbing acts.

I remember getting my first dose of gory pictures (probably from a site like Rotten.com) when I was a young user of the internet. Since then I have seen many other disturbing images and videos, and over time I’ve noticed the “shock value” of many of these videos diminish – probably as a result of gradual desensitization. It’s important sometimes to take a step back and realize that these are real people doing really atrocious things, and we should be mindful of the curiosity and offbeat “entertainment” we sometimes get from viewing this kind of material.

Impulsivity

The ease of accessibility – and “instant gratification” – we often get from the internet makes us much more inclined to act impulsively. So many sites and online stores now have “one click” purchases and memberships, and this leaves us very little room to reflect on our decisions before making them.

Of course, things like impulsive shopping and gambling have existed long before the internet has. However, the internet seems to exacerbate the problem to an unprecedented level. A study published in a 2002 issue of the journal Psychology of Addictive Behaviors found that online gamblers were 3 times more likely to show signs of pathological gambling. And although there are no specific studies published yet on how the internet affects impulsive shopping, one has to wonder what role the web has played in the recent surge of consumer debt and credit card debt since the late 1990s.

Our consumerist culture thrives more and more on online shopping. Almost any item you want is just a few clicks away, whether on Amazon, Ebay, or craigslist. And now that our money has taken an intangible, digital form, it’s far easier for us to give into these temptations without considering the true long-term costs of our behavior.

Before the internet, buying something was a multi-step process. You had to physically leave your house, get in the car or walk to the store, pick-up the item, take the money out of your pocket, and hand it over to the cashier. Today, however, there is hardly any inconvenience, and there is similarly no potential for public scrutiny or shame in being a compulsive shopper. We can buy and buy, without ever feeling the repercussions or guilt (that is, until we get our bill the next month, and realize the real financial consequences from our impulsive decisions).

Infantile Regression and the Tyranny of the Emoticon

Aboujaoude is a big critic of emoticons and internet terminology. While he recognizes it as an interesting phenomenon from a linguistic perspective, he also strongly believes that it is contracting and regressing language in a destructive way.

“According to Brazilian linguist Sergio Costa, much of the communicating that happens online is in a childlike language. Just as children who do not master the conventions of language write in abbreviated code, rich in neologisms and pictorial characters, adults in their e-mails, blogs, and text messages adopt these less sophisticated forms of communication, willfully using lowercase when capitalization is indicated, and freely shortening and conflating words. The use of the emoticon represents an equally simple substitute for complex communication – who needs to carefully process feelings and logically organize thoughts before finally communicating a state of mind, when a simple hieroglyphics can convey everything…and nothing?”

Our need for speedy and immediate communication has caused us to abbreviate and over-simplify language to our own detriment. According to a 2005 study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, many people are “overconfident in their ability to communicate sarcasm, seriousness, anger, and sadness over e-mail.” The study also shows that people were overconfident in their ability to detect these emotions via e-mail. This suggests that emoticons and common internet terminology are often inadequate to properly explaining our thoughts and emotions to others. It has reduced our digital self to an “infant-like” use of language, and in many ways has dumbed down a lot of online dialogue.

I will add that I think Aboujaoude’s criticisms of online terminology are a bit unfair. I find there to be an elegance and creativity in expressing myself in under 140 characters (such as in a tweet or Facebook status or text message). But I also think it’s important that we remain mindful of our contraction/”regression” of language throughout our online conversations – because while it may be useful in some contexts, it shouldn’t spill over into conversations that need more context and deeper thinking. If we lose the capacity to think out rational arguments and have deep and profound conversations, then I think we are going in the wrong direction. Clearly, as much as I love tweeting, I love writing lengthy and informative posts too. We need both in healthy communication.

Love and Sex Recalibrated

The internet is also greatly affecting our perceptions on relationships, love, and sex. You can’t visit a website or open your inbox without seeing some kind of spam or advertisement for how to improve your love life or sex life. We get exposed to sexual “ideals” and quick fixes on a daily basis, and these stimuli play a major role in how we perceive ourselves, our relationships, and our sexual preferences.

According to Aboujaoude, the internet and sex are inextricably intertwined. Data corroborated from comScore and Family Safe Media in 2005-2006 found:

• The average internet user spends a quarter of an hour a day viewing pornography.
• One in 5 men view pornography online while at work.
• More than a third of downloads are pornographic.
• A quarter of all search engine requests are pornographic.
• More than a third of Internet users report unwanted exposure to sexual material.

Digital technology has created a means for people to satisfy their sexual appetite both online and offline, and to some extent it has had some really negative consequences.

For example, individuals who find sexual partners online are often more likely to contract STDs, and Aboujaoude makes a convincing argument that the internet facilitates sexual encounters to a much greater ease than without the internet, because: 1) It helps us manage first impressions better, and 2) It allows us to begin building a trustful relationship (through “virtual intimacy”) before ever meeting someone in person. In one study published in 2007 by the journal Sexuality Research and Social Policy, 30% of women engaged in sexual activity during their first face-to-face meeting with someone they met online – but most didn’t consider it a “one night stand.”

The internet allows us to facilitate courtship in a far easier and faster way then actually going out on dates in person (where we probably learn far more about each other). Due to this, Aboujaoude believes that the internet might be considered it’s own independent risk factor in the contraction of STDs.

In addition to this, the rise of cellphones and texting (mobile versions of our “digital self”) have also brought about a new phenomenon of sexual activity: sexting. According to a 2008 survey of 1,280 participants, commissioned by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 22 percent of all teenage girls said they have posted online, e-mailed, or sexted nude or seminude images of themselves. Out of boys, 18 percent reported posting or sending pictures of themselves. Most do it to be “fun or flirtatious” or as a “joke,” but the joke usually ends once these images make it to the public domain, where people begin sharing them with their peers, coworkers, and Facebook friends.

In many ways, the internet has saved individuals from social isolation and helped people find fulfilling relationships in their lives that they probably wouldn’t have found otherwise. But it is important to be aware of these dark aspects of our online lives that can sometimes foster destructive habits and attitudes when going about relationships and sexual behavior. Part of it probably has to do with “Impulsivity,” “Narcissism,” and other traits of our digital self and e-personality. One thing is for certain however: the internet is drastically changing the way many of us conduct our relationships.

Illusion of Knowledge

According to Aboujaoude, the internet has bestowed a “false mastery of knowledge.” While we have so much information right at the tips of our fingers, especially with access to sites like Google and Wikipedia, many of us begin to think we are more qualified and educated than we really are.

In fact, partly because there is just so much information on the internet, many of us can’t be bothered to read lengthy articles or prose. Instead, according to Jacob Nielsen (an early authority on Web page “usability”) 79% of online readers scan, rather than read word-for-word. Often readers can’t be bothered to dig into text in order to find a piece of information or an answer to a problem. Instead, we like our information highlighted or put into a small bullet-point list, something that is easily digestible and doesn’t lose our waning attention.

Nicholas Carr wrote an article a few years ago expressing a big concern for this new way of reading and absorbing new information, called “Is Google Making Us Stupid?” He argues from personal experience that because we have become so hooked on immediate gratification and immediate information from the internet, our attention spans (and our ability to focus) have declined significantly. To date, several studies have shown a link between Attendion Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and internet use.

Internet Addiction

Considering all the conveniences and desires that the internet seems to provide our digital self, it’s probably not too surprising that internet addiction has been on the rise over the years. According to some sources, the Internet can sometimes suck up 45 days per year in some urban centers.

According to a survey done by Aboujaoude and his researchers, 4-14% of the general population show evidences of problematic internet use, such as:

• 6% said their personal relationships suffered as a consequence of internet use.
• 6% regularly went online to escape negative moods.
• 9% felt they had to hide their internet use.
• 11% regularly stayed online for longer than they intended.
• 14% had a hard time staying offline for days in a row.

Although the diagnosis of “Internet Addiction” isn’t yet included in the DSM (Diagnostics and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), Aboujaoude believes that it will soon be, as he finds there is compelling evidence that internet addiction is a solely new kind of obsessive behavior that isn’t yet properly researched or recognized in academic psychology.

The Future of Our Digital Self

Now with the surge of online mobile devices, our digital self is playing a bigger and bigger role in our lives. In all likelihood, the digital self isn’t going away, which is why it is so important to pay attention to the warnings in Virtually You so that we can avoid many of these pitfalls in our future online behavior.

Personally, at times I find some of Aboujaoude’s writing a little alarmist and blown out of proportion, but that doesn’t takeaway from the bigger lessons in Virtually You, which I believe every individual is going to need to come to terms with as our virtual world continues to grow, evolve, and become more integral to our daily lives.

But I understand it can sometimes be difficult to say what we really think. Every individual faces social pressures to conform. And often times being ourselves requires some kind of “rebellious” behavior. Perhaps that is why I like and admire many rebels – they stand up for themselves despite the impulse to conform. I find that even when I greatly disagree with someone, I still appreciate it when they speak their minds. It’s kind of weird actually, because I find myself having more respect for people who I disagree with who at least say what they think, rather than those who I may agree with but rarely stand up for themselves

I guess life is too short to shut up and not say anything. You’re a part of this world, you experience it everyday, you must have something to say about it – so go ahead and do it. That’s the attitude I adopted when I first started writing this blog. At first I thought, “Why should anyone listen to what I say? I’m not an expert in anything.” But then I thought about it more, and I realized I had an obligation to speak my mind. I have strong beliefs about things, as I imagine everyone does, and it would do the world a disservice to not share those passions.

Diversity of human thought is a good thing.

I believe the diversity of human thought is one of our greatest advantages as a species. When different minds come together and share what they believe, there is little telling what can be accomplished. Of course, our differences also fuel a lot of conflict and competition (sometimes even violence), but when done right I think we are all better off. When we learn how to understand different viewpoints, it fosters intelligence, empathy and compassion.

The more people learn to speak their minds and understand different viewpoints, the stronger we become as a society. When we can feel free to speak our minds, disagree, argue, or debate without resorting to personal insults or aggression, then I believe we have achieved a level of freedom, tolerance, and compassion that cannot be replaced.

I don’t think we will ever reach a point where everyone believes the same exact beliefs. In fact, as our society evolves, I think the diversity of ideas will only grow greater and greater. Therefore, it is required that we also expand our tolerance and compassion for these differences, especially if we want to get along and survive in the future.

The cost of speaking your mind – and why you should pay it.

Of course, speaking our mind will always come with certain risks. If the diversity of ideas continues to grow, then there will always be people who disagree with us. They may even insult or threaten us when we say something that gets under their skin. But that’s a cost we might have to be willing to pay.

I’ve been writing for two years now, I’ve had plenty of people criticize me along the way. I’m not sure if it can even be avoided. Usually, I just thank them for their opinion and carry on my merry way. I know that I can’t please everyone, especially if I’m being honest with myself. Sometimes, it’s more important for me to be honest with myself than to try and meet the unrealistic goal of making everyone happy. When I learned to accept this simple truth, I found myself much more free to express myself.

Respecting others opinions makes it easier to voice your own.

I’ve also noticed that when you have respect for others opinions, it becomes easier to speak your mind. If you accept the idea that everyone has their differences, and you can tolerate those differences, then you don’t have to voice your opinion with the intent to persuade others. You can just voice your opinion to share what’s on your mind – but there is no pressure to get everyone else to agree. As a result, you are often more willing to put yourself on the line.

End on a good note.

Regardless of what happens during your interactions with others, there is always an opportunity to end it on a good note. Maybe the conversation gets too heated, you both yell at each other, exchange insults, maybe even spit in each other’s faces. People’s animalistic instincts can sometimes kick into gear when they are talking about something they are really passionate about. It’s not pretty, but it can happen.

Despite it all, it’s usually better to forgive and let go rather then hold life-long grudges. Maybe you said something that really upset someone, maybe they said something back that really upset you. But usually disagreements are not as serious as we make them out to be in the moment. Take a step back, remember that people have different perspectives about things, accept it, and let it go.

You deserve to take up space.

If you find yourself being too reserved most of the time, and not expressing yourself when you really want to, remember that you deserve to take up space every now and then. You have ideas just like everyone else, and there is no logical reason that everyone should take up the spotlight but you. You have an absolute right to speak what is on your mind, when you so choose to speak it. Don’t let others deter you from saying something that you think is important.

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes every now and then.

Occasionally we are going to speak our mind and instantly regret it. That is another risk we have to be willing to take when engaging in free speech. We don’t always know how someone will react, we also don’t always know the best way to communicate our message, but good communicators are willing to put themselves out there and possibly get some backlash. It’s only in those moments where we test our boundaries and fail where we learn how to adjust our speech so that it is more effective in the future. But if we never test those boundaries, then our speech remains limited and we never learn how to improve it.

Pay attention to your verbal cues.

Sometimes the words we use are correct, but we say it in a way that still irritates others. Remember, how you speak is just as important as what you say – and much of our communication is dependent on our tone, volume, pitch, and the pace at which we speak. Become more mindful of these characteristics of speech whenever you engage in an interaction, and you will greatly improve your communication.

Know when to shut up.

I know it’s ironic that I’m telling you to “shut up” in a post about how to speak your mind, but there are times when it is appropriate to end an interaction. Sometimes you can tell when nothing good will come from a conversation. Maybe your values are too different, so it’s better to just let it go and not share your thoughts with someone – especially if it may jeopardize civil discourse in the future. Remember, it’s not necessary to put your 2 cents in on every topic; there is a lot of wisdom in someone that knows when to just be silent.

Finding your own balance.

In the end, I don’t want it to sound like I’m telling you when you should speak and when you shouldn’t. That is a balance that will be different for everyone, and there is no way I can discern what’s good from what’s bad, because it depends on so many different factors. You have to explore that for yourself.

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I have a nasty (yet often rewarding) habit of finding ways to critique nearly everything. Sometimes it really irritates people. They think I’m trying to show off or I’m being pedantic, but I just like progress. One time while critiquing a friend’s opinion he replied, “Steve, you can poke a hole in anything.” I don’t think he meant it as a compliment, but I took it as one anyway.

While it’s not always appropriate to show criticism, sometimes it can spark very healthy discussion. That’s usually my goal. I don’t aim to piss people off, but some people will always find a way to take disagreements personally.

On the other hand, I encourage disagreements. I see them as an expression of our diversity as a species. We all have different viewpoints, different knowledge, and different values, so not only is disagreement inevitable, but it helps us to better understand others, as well as better understand ourselves. Being able to tolerate these differences is a huge mark of maturity and intelligence.

That’s why I encourage readers of this blog to feel free to disagree with me. I know I’m not perfect and I know others have different values than me, so I always appreciate it when people share their thoughts in the comment section or on my Facebook and Twitter. It helps me learn new things and see from alternative viewpoints.

As the quote on the top of this page suggests, being able to disagree is a part of your right to freedom of speech and thought. It’s what makes democracies and free societies work. If we all conformed to the norm, nothing could be improved. We would all just settle for the status quo. But upstanding individuals like Martin Luther King Jr, Gandhi, and Thomas Jefferson didn’t settle for the status quo. They exercised their freedom to disagree even when they were the underdogs. And much of the social progress we take for granted today is a result of that kind of bravery; the kind of bravery that doesn’t succumb to social norms or tradition, but pushes the envelope and later emerges into a new standard of living.

I don’t know about you guys, but sometimes I even get suspicious when someone is always in full agreement with me. I guess I find it hard to believe. They may be just trying to please me, but I’d rather they let their personalities shine through more. We shouldn’t be ashamed to hide our differences, as often they are a sign that both parties have something to learn from each other.

So I’m going to keep this message real short: you have your own mind, with your own thoughts, and your own beliefs and values. Use it! Be willing to express it and also be willing to let others express their beliefs. If you find yourself struggling with taking criticism or others disagreeing with you, try some of these tips on how to take criticism.

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Take for example the words, “I love you.” People repeat these 3 simple words all of the time in different social settings. And how they say it dramatically changes what the listener perceives. In one case, saying “I love you” in a serious tone can be a sign of intimacy and attachment. In another case, saying “I love you” in a joking or playful tone may just be a sign of friendship. The words are the same, but how we say it and the context in which we say it makes a load of difference. Picking up on these cues is incredibly important in deciphering what someone is trying to say. And being able to correctly apply these cues in our own speech is equally important in conveying a clear message to others.

A recent study by psychology researcher Jose Benki at the U-M Institute for Social Research (ISR) used recordings of over 1,380 introductory phone calls to see what variables in people’s speech correlated with their success in convincing people to participate in a survey. Some of what they found included:

• Interviewers who spoke moderately fast, at a rate of about 3.5 words per second, were much more successful than those who talked too fast or too slow. Researches theorized that fast-talkers may be seen as overly aggressive (or as if they are trying to “pull the wool over our eyes”), while slow-talkers may be seen as not too bright or overly pedantic.
• Animated speech and pitch variation were also found to be most effective when an appropriate balance was achieved. Those who varied their pitch too much were seen as artificial or putting on an act, while those who don’t vary their pitch at all (“monotone”) can quickly lose the listener’s attention.
• Males with higher pitched voices tend to have less success than males with lower pitched voices. Variation among females didn’t seem to have an effect.
• Interviewers who engaged in short pauses were found to be more successful than those who spoke fluently. According to research, people prefer speech with about 4 to 5 pauses a minute.

Of course, there are a lot of variables that also affect our speech. It often depends on what exactly is trying to be communicated. For example, faster paced speaking may be more effective when someone is trying to signal that they are in a rush (“Can I please cut the line, I have to pick up my child at school in less than 10 minutes!)

The researchers also didn’t seem to look into differences in volume. Intuitively, someone who speaks really softly may be perceived as more submissive or unsure rather than those who speak louder and more assertively.

(then again, you also have people like Mike Tyson who have big egos and self-confidence, but he still speaks very, very softly).

Speech cues definitely don’t convey everything about a person or what they are trying to say, but the point is that they play a major role. People can often read into our intentions, thoughts, and feelings depending on how we say something. When our speech isn’t congruent, people may be quick to judge you as untrustworthy or manipulative. It is important to not only be expressive, but also to sound genuine whenever you talk.

Some tips for practicing better speaking.

• Record yourself reading an article in a newspaper, then re-listen to it.
• Record yourself telling a story from memory, then re-listen to it.
• Give a small speech in front of a group of friends or family. Ask them to give healthy criticism.
• Practice other forms of communication: joke-telling, pitching a business idea, sharing a personal story, recapping the news, participating in an interview, presenting scientific research, etc.
• Try to be more mindful of your speech on a daily basis. Choose your words more carefully, try to also be more aware of your pitch, volume, tone, and pace of voice.
• Remember, consistent and conscious practice can embed habits that become second-nature.
• Before an interview, practice some mock interviews with friends, family, or coworkers.
• Before giving a public speech, practice it out-loud several times and make sure everything flows the way you want.