It’s important to remember that even when you act with the best intentions, you don’t always know what is best for someone else.

Here are some guidelines to determine if you’re really helping someone or not.

Empathy is the ability to recognize thoughts and feelings within another conscious being. It is a mental capacity in which we can understand the inner world of others – their beliefs, emotions, intentions, values, goals, and personal experience.

With empathy not only comes the understanding that other beings have thoughts and emotions, but also that these thoughts and emotions may differ greatly from our own. This makes empathy a crucial tool for understanding other people and getting along with them.

Psychologists distinguish two main components of empathy: cognitive empathy (knowing another person’s thoughts and beliefs) and affective empathy (knowing another person’s feelings and emotions).

The degree of empathy we have for others can be found on a spectrum. At lower ends, empathy only requires that we are aware of other people’s thoughts and feelings. But at higher ends of the spectrum, empathy may include actually experiencing one’s situation as if it was our own.

Some experts on empathy, such as emotion researcher Paul Ekman, say that these higher levels of empathy lead to a third kind of empathy: compassionate empathy, where we are so attuned to the thoughts and feelings of others that we are driven to alleviate their pain and suffering through kindness and charity.

Maybe you once saw a commercial for starving kids in Africa and it tore your heart out. You saw how much the people over there were suffering, and you felt an immediate drive to donate some money to the cause. This is just one common example of how empathy can drive us to be more compassionate and altruistic.

Testing Kids for Empathy: The “False Belief” Test

At a young age, we’re not very good at empathizing with other people’s point-of-view. Instead, we tend to think that everyone perceives the world in the exact same way that we do. Developmental psychologists often use this “False Belief” test to determine whether a child is capable of empathic thinking or not:

In this particular test, a child is shown a box of crayons and asked what is inside the box. Naturally, they answer with “crayons,” but the experimenter then reveals that there are in fact candles inside the box.

After this short demonstration, the experimenter introduces “Snoopy” into the conversation. She reminds the child that Snoopy didn’t hear any of their discussion that they just had, and then asks the child, “If I were to ask Snoopy what is inside the crayon box, what do you think he’d answer?”

The average 2-3 year old, lacking the ability to put themselves in Snoopy’s shoes, will answer with “candles.” But someone who has the ability to empathize would more likely answer that Snoopy would think the crayon box had crayons in it – because we know that Snoopy was unaware that the crayon box was filled with candles.

In order for the child to successful pass the test, they would need to put themselves in Snoopy’s place and understand that he has different knowledge about the situation then we do.

Within a couple of years, most kids will develop the empathic ability to see the world through Snoopy’s eyes. And as a child interacts with more and more individuals throughout their cognitive development, they will become more attuned to the fact that each person has their unique differences in perception, knowledge, and experience.

Children grow to understand that how they view the world is not necessarily the same as how someone else may view it. This is often the first step toward developing empathy.

Children who fail to pass the “False Belief” test after the ages of 4-5 have a greater probability of being autistic. Psychologists and parents often use this test on children to catch autism early, so preventive measures can begin to be taken. A lack of empathy is one reason autistic individuals are usually not able to function effectively in social situations.

Empathy and Evolution

Humans have evolved as social animals, who throughout history have depended on cooperation and strong relationships in order to adapt and survive in their environment.

Back when we were hunters and gatherers, we had to work together to find food and provide security for one another. Our ability to survive was directly related to our ability to empathize with others, respond to their needs, and thereby build trustful connections.

If someone lacked empathy, and thus an inability to build these effective relationships, then they would quickly be seen as a social outcast, and thus be ostracized from the group

Naturally, empathy also played a large role in the development of our parenting habits. Parents who better recognized the needs of their children, and how to respond to those needs, were much more likely to raise successful and adaptive offspring.

These are just some examples of the early evolutionary origins of empathy. Over time, our capacity and ability to empathize has grown more and more complex.

Jeremy Rifkin explains in the video The Empathic Civilization that as communication technologies developed more and more – from the printing press to the telephone to the world wide web – our capacity to empathize with others similarly expanded. He believes one day we might develop empathy toward the complete “biosphere” of our existence.

So at the beginning of our evolution we may have only empathized with close family ties and those within our community or tribe, but we now have the capacity to empathize with people all over the world through various communication technology (print publications, radio, TV, the internet, etc.) and also travel technology (cars, airplanes, etc.), which allows people to visit and experience more types of cultures and connect with more people than was ever possible before.

Why is Empathy Still Important Today?

The ability to empathize with others is still a very important aspect of our cognitive development. One reason is because we still greatly depend on healthy relationships with others in order to live happy and successful lives.

Most of us need to cooperate with people at school, at work, at home, or in public. And most of us crave a sense of belonging, as well as affectionate relationships with family, friends, and significant others. These things would be incredibly difficult to accomplish without empathy. How can we be expected to treat others with dignity and respect if we can’t put ourselves in their shoes?

In a very real way, we all still operate in “tribes,” they are just much greater in size and complexity than they were thousands of years ago (and they encompass both off-line and online relationships now). The need for empathy is still alive and well wherever there is social interaction taking place.

More broadly, empathy isn’t only relevant to building relationships, but also problem-solving and creativity. Being able to take on another person’s perspective can very often lead to answers and insight that we wouldn’t discover if we limited ourselves to our own personal, narrow world-view.

When we find ourselves experiencing difficulty in a situation, we can draw on others experiences for inspiration and motivation. In magnetic self-esteem, I show how putting ourselves in the shoes of role models like Bruce Lee or Michael Jordan can encourage us to pursue our own goals.

In the same way, a devout Christian may ask, “What would Jesus do?” in order to find insight on how to act in a certain situation. This, again, is playing on the skills of empathy – because by asking questions like this we are actively putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes in order to learn from their beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors.

We can similarly apply this model to other people. An aspiring baseball player may ask, “What would Cal Ripkin Jr. do?” Or someone aspiring to be a movie filmmaker may ask, “What would Charlie Kaufman do?” The point is we can put ourselves in the shoes of any kind of role model to help guide us toward certain goals. This is all a product of empathy.

This article only begins to scratch the surface of how empathy will continue to be one of the most useful skills in the 21st century. It aids everything from our relationships with others to our individual goals and motivation.

I hope this article helped demonstrate to you why this is such a powerful skill. In the future, I plan to write many more articles on empathy and how we can develop it further. To stay updated on these articles, feel free to sign up to my psychology newsletter.

When I was younger, I have to admit I used to disregard a lot of empathy and compassion as meaningless and superficial. I recall watching news stories that seemed designed to tug at my emotions and manipulate me to feel a certain way. It seemed that if I didn’t sympathize or want to help others, I should feel guilty and ashamed of myself. In reality, I just wanted to take care of myself and discover my values on my own.

Over time, I learned to minimize my empathy and compassion for others. They were values that felt forced down my throat, and as a reaction I decided that I wouldn’t practice them. I wasn’t a moral nihilist, I just wanted to discover my own values for myself, like most people want to. I think everyone’s morality needs to be discovered for themselves, and blindly following other people’s values is always a recipe for disaster.

Then as I got older, and perhaps a bit more selfish, I noticed I couldn’t find happiness living this way. I used to harbor really negative feelings towards others. I found many people to be manipulators, liars, idiots, guilt-trippers, haters, and just plain evil. By this point I was already starting to get into personal development and trying to find happiness on my own.

Then things began to change. I had learned a lot of useful personal development techniques already (how to think more effectively, set goals, and so on), but there felt like something at my core was missing. I felt more rational than ever, but emotionally lost. I couldn’t make any sense of it.

Then, upon someone’s recommendation, I picked up Eckhart Tolle’s books Power of Now and New Earth. From that moment I began meditating and getting more attuned to who I was as a person or “self.” I gradually began to read more resources on Buddhism, Taoism, and Sufism, and I felt a wave of wisdom and clarity slowly crashing onto me.

I found that I was not as independent of a self as I thought I was. I was, in fact, quite interconnected to the people around me. I found that when I harbored negative feelings toward others, it was actually a reflection of my own insecurities and personality flaws. I didn’t like other people mainly because I thought they could never like me. The changed the way I treated others, which changed the way they treated me, and it turned into a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy.

The more I understood and experienced the metaphysical notion of “interconnectedness,” the more I realized how important empathy and compassion were. Because when people did things that caused me pain, I knew that was actually a reflection of their own suffering as well. I knew it, because I had been there myself.

With this understanding, I practiced becoming more empathetic and compassionate toward others. Not because someone on the news, or at church, told me that this is what I had to do (or I was evil). I did it because I could see clearly why I should value and contribute to the happiness of others.

In Robert Thurman’s book Infinite Life he describes a great metta meditation designed to expand our circle of compassion. We first start by sending positive intentions to those who are closest to us: friends, families or coworkers. Then we expand those positive intentions to the friends of our friends, families, or coworkers. From there we move on to showing compassion toward random strangers. Then, sometimes the most difficult step, is extending that compassion even to those who we dislike or consider to be enemies. Thurman describes a similar meditation in his TED video below.

Expanding Your Circle of Compassion

The Hitler Test

In light of this expanding circle of compassion, I wonder how many individuals can honestly say they have compassion for notoriously evil figures throughout our history, like Hitler or Osama Bin Laden.

It’s a question that I have pondered about for awhile (long before writing this post). I’ve asked people on Facebook, Twitter, and other social media if they could ever see themselves showing compassion to someone like Hitler and it has led to some really controversial debates.

I think this question is a good test for those who are trying to cultivate universal compassion. It helps to pay particular attention to our enemies, since those are the people who we often find most difficult to direct compassion towards.

To direct compassion toward someone like Hitler means that you sympathize with their suffering. Clearly, it takes a really sick man to do the atrocious things he had done. If only he had found true happiness and love in his own life, I doubt he would have acted so immorally. Perhaps if we can learn to better understand how to love our enemies, we can help reverse the cycle of suffering in this world.

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But I understand it can sometimes be difficult to say what we really think. Every individual faces social pressures to conform. And often times being ourselves requires some kind of “rebellious” behavior. Perhaps that is why I like and admire many rebels – they stand up for themselves despite the impulse to conform. I find that even when I greatly disagree with someone, I still appreciate it when they speak their minds. It’s kind of weird actually, because I find myself having more respect for people who I disagree with who at least say what they think, rather than those who I may agree with but rarely stand up for themselves

I guess life is too short to shut up and not say anything. You’re a part of this world, you experience it everyday, you must have something to say about it – so go ahead and do it. That’s the attitude I adopted when I first started writing this blog. At first I thought, “Why should anyone listen to what I say? I’m not an expert in anything.” But then I thought about it more, and I realized I had an obligation to speak my mind. I have strong beliefs about things, as I imagine everyone does, and it would do the world a disservice to not share those passions.

Diversity of human thought is a good thing.

I believe the diversity of human thought is one of our greatest advantages as a species. When different minds come together and share what they believe, there is little telling what can be accomplished. Of course, our differences also fuel a lot of conflict and competition (sometimes even violence), but when done right I think we are all better off. When we learn how to understand different viewpoints, it fosters intelligence, empathy and compassion.

The more people learn to speak their minds and understand different viewpoints, the stronger we become as a society. When we can feel free to speak our minds, disagree, argue, or debate without resorting to personal insults or aggression, then I believe we have achieved a level of freedom, tolerance, and compassion that cannot be replaced.

I don’t think we will ever reach a point where everyone believes the same exact beliefs. In fact, as our society evolves, I think the diversity of ideas will only grow greater and greater. Therefore, it is required that we also expand our tolerance and compassion for these differences, especially if we want to get along and survive in the future.

The cost of speaking your mind – and why you should pay it.

Of course, speaking our mind will always come with certain risks. If the diversity of ideas continues to grow, then there will always be people who disagree with us. They may even insult or threaten us when we say something that gets under their skin. But that’s a cost we might have to be willing to pay.

I’ve been writing for two years now, I’ve had plenty of people criticize me along the way. I’m not sure if it can even be avoided. Usually, I just thank them for their opinion and carry on my merry way. I know that I can’t please everyone, especially if I’m being honest with myself. Sometimes, it’s more important for me to be honest with myself than to try and meet the unrealistic goal of making everyone happy. When I learned to accept this simple truth, I found myself much more free to express myself.

Respecting others opinions makes it easier to voice your own.

I’ve also noticed that when you have respect for others opinions, it becomes easier to speak your mind. If you accept the idea that everyone has their differences, and you can tolerate those differences, then you don’t have to voice your opinion with the intent to persuade others. You can just voice your opinion to share what’s on your mind – but there is no pressure to get everyone else to agree. As a result, you are often more willing to put yourself on the line.

End on a good note.

Regardless of what happens during your interactions with others, there is always an opportunity to end it on a good note. Maybe the conversation gets too heated, you both yell at each other, exchange insults, maybe even spit in each other’s faces. People’s animalistic instincts can sometimes kick into gear when they are talking about something they are really passionate about. It’s not pretty, but it can happen.

Despite it all, it’s usually better to forgive and let go rather then hold life-long grudges. Maybe you said something that really upset someone, maybe they said something back that really upset you. But usually disagreements are not as serious as we make them out to be in the moment. Take a step back, remember that people have different perspectives about things, accept it, and let it go.

You deserve to take up space.

If you find yourself being too reserved most of the time, and not expressing yourself when you really want to, remember that you deserve to take up space every now and then. You have ideas just like everyone else, and there is no logical reason that everyone should take up the spotlight but you. You have an absolute right to speak what is on your mind, when you so choose to speak it. Don’t let others deter you from saying something that you think is important.

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes every now and then.

Occasionally we are going to speak our mind and instantly regret it. That is another risk we have to be willing to take when engaging in free speech. We don’t always know how someone will react, we also don’t always know the best way to communicate our message, but good communicators are willing to put themselves out there and possibly get some backlash. It’s only in those moments where we test our boundaries and fail where we learn how to adjust our speech so that it is more effective in the future. But if we never test those boundaries, then our speech remains limited and we never learn how to improve it.

Pay attention to your verbal cues.

Sometimes the words we use are correct, but we say it in a way that still irritates others. Remember, how you speak is just as important as what you say – and much of our communication is dependent on our tone, volume, pitch, and the pace at which we speak. Become more mindful of these characteristics of speech whenever you engage in an interaction, and you will greatly improve your communication.

Know when to shut up.

I know it’s ironic that I’m telling you to “shut up” in a post about how to speak your mind, but there are times when it is appropriate to end an interaction. Sometimes you can tell when nothing good will come from a conversation. Maybe your values are too different, so it’s better to just let it go and not share your thoughts with someone – especially if it may jeopardize civil discourse in the future. Remember, it’s not necessary to put your 2 cents in on every topic; there is a lot of wisdom in someone that knows when to just be silent.

Finding your own balance.

In the end, I don’t want it to sound like I’m telling you when you should speak and when you shouldn’t. That is a balance that will be different for everyone, and there is no way I can discern what’s good from what’s bad, because it depends on so many different factors. You have to explore that for yourself.

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I find that one of the most effective ways in alleviating my ill will is to try and find the good in everyone. While this can sometimes be a difficult task, I’ve also found it to be incredibly rewarding – not just as a way of building compassion or forgiveness – but also as an educational tool, and as a way to facilitate positive change in others.

Awhile back I made an uncompromising assumption that everyone has something of value to offer the world. My reasoning was that much of our knowledge is limited to personal experience, and since everyone has a different range of experiences and subjective viewpoints, then everyone presumably has a piece of the puzzle. In practice, this belief has made me a much better learner, because I go into every interaction with the intent to be interested in everyone and walk away learning something new. I seriously don’t care if the person is 2 years old and can barely speak, or if the person is 100 years old and far removed from my generation, everyone without exception can teach me something about life. And by making it my personal duty to try and identify this value in others, I believe that I’ve simultaneously become a better person.

But identifying value in others does far more than just serve my own self-interests. When you engage with someone with the intent to discover their strengths, learn, and understand, the person usually becomes more aware of their own positive attributes. A great friend of mine once told me how almost everyone makes her feel stupid. However, she said that even though I was one of the “smartest people” she knew, I somehow didn’t make her feel dumb by comparison. I immediately knew why I make her feel like this. It is because I truly believe she is a genius in her own way. Sure, I like to think of myself as a smart person too, but I know that there are some aspects of life where she is infinitely more capable and wiser than I am. When I believe there is good in others, it causes me to treat people differently than I otherwise would. My actions are more likely to reinforce self-worth in others, and my belief helps create the fact like a self-fulfilling prophecy

In summary, finding the good in others is a beneficial activity for both you and the other person. It is a way of identifying other people’s strengths, cultivating them, and encouraging self-growth and improvement. I challenge you to be more active in discovering good things about other people during your daily interactions. Go in with the intention to explore, learn, and really empathize. It’s likely that you’ll still meet people who irritate you or seem to offer nothing, but I encourage you to engage them as positively as possible, in spite of previous experiences and judgments. If you do this effectively, you will help to inspire and motivate that person to become better, you will learn something valuable, and also increase the potential of having a great long-term relationship.