Instead of speaking our minds, we feel like we should cause as little disturbance as possible. Thus, we sit on the sidelines and aren’t as engaged with social activities. We remain reserved, withdrawn, and trying to blend in with the walls.

We are afraid to take up space – social space.

We do this by keeping our personalities and talents hidden from others. We don’t want people to know who we really we are, because we fear people won’t like it. Therefore, as painful as it may be to keep ourselves hidden, we prefer it – because we imagine that the alternatives are much worse.

That’s the root of a lot of anxiety. We look into the future and imagine all the bad things that may happen if we step outside of our comfort zone. And often we imagine these things as much worse than they would probably turn out in the real world.

Often the worst that can happen during a date or a job interview is that we get rejected or slightly embarrassed after making a mistake. But in our heads we act as though we are being judged by God himself. It’s rarely that serious.

The truth is not everyone is going to like you. You can’t be yourself and please everyone at the same time, and that is something you have to be willing to accept if you are going to let your authentic self shine through. Of course, even with this true, the benefits often outweigh the costs.

One benefit is when you let your personality open up, you are more likely to attract others who mesh well with you. This is far less likely (if not impossible) when you keep yourself closed off and reserved. So even though some won’t see eye-to-eye with you, there are plenty of others out there who probably share very similar interests, passions, values, and goals. The more you let your own interests, passions, values, and goals come through, the more likely you are to discover these like-minded people and begin building meaningful relationships with them. Of course, none of this can come true if you don’t give yourself the right to take up space.

The right to take up space.

As conscious beings, I think each and every one of us has a right to express ourselves. This entails the freedom to think as we want, speak as we want, dress as we want, create as we want, and act as we want (so long as it doesn’t infringe on the rights of others).

When you are at a group meeting, you have every right to share your ideas. When you are at a political rally, you have every right to stand up for your political views. When you are a musician in a band, why shouldn’t you have some say in the music? And when you are at a cafe or bar, why shouldn’t you have the right to go up to someone, say “Hi,” compliment them on their shoes, and strike up a conversation.

You may go through life thinking these things can sometimes be inappropriate, but when you have something valuable to say, you should give yourself the right to say it. That’s freedom of mind.

Ignore artificial social boundaries.

Artificial social boundaries can largely inhibit us from interacting with others in a positive way. We should try to ignore them more often – especially when we find ourselves thinking things like “John is out of my league” or “Teresa is a 10.” People are usually just people. Most of them just want to be respected and enjoy life a little. If you can provide that, you’ll have rich relationships. If you give someone respect, they will often reciprocate that respect right back to you. That’s the fundamental rule to positive relationships – ignore the unnecessary B.S.

The more you get caught in who is above or below you on the social ladder, the more you pollute your interactions. Everyone should have an equal right to be themselves and take up space. And often times you’ll find everyone has something valuable to offer (for more, see how to try to find the good in everyone).

Consequently, when you open up your ears and let others speak, they will often do the same for you. When two people are given space to express themselves, artificial social boundaries (and the social anxiety they can lead to) often evaporate.

The more space you give yourself, the less anxiety.

I believe minimizing social anxiety has a lot to do with allowing ourselves to have more space to express ourselves. The more space we give ourselves to be authentic, the less we tend to worry about what others might say or think. Sometimes we have to be ourselves for the simple sake of being ourselves. Because there is no one else quite like us – and only until we are comfortable with ourselves (strengths, flaws, and all) can we improve on ourselves and express our true value to the world.

In the end, what I would like you to take away from this post is the reminder that you have the right to take up space. So the next time you are at a social gathering, or interview, or your job, or wherever it may be, remember that you are an individual with his/her own personality, thoughts, and beliefs – ones which deserve to be expressed.

Check out this online course by Sean Cooper to learn more about how to face your social anxiety and shyness.

Here is a very simple exercise in divergent thinking:

1) Grab a piece of paper and draw 30 circles (5 columns with 6 circles in each row). Each circle should be about 1 inch in diameter.

2) Find a timer and set it for 60 seconds.

3) Time yourself to see how many different drawings you can come up with using the circles. For example: a baseball (1 circle), a planet (1 circle), glasses (2 circles), a face (3 circles – two eyes and a mouth), etc.

The goal is to incorporate each circle into a drawing within the 60 seconds. It doesn’t matter how exactly you do it: you could have 30 drawings with 1 circle each, or 6 drawings with 5 circles each, or anything in between. It all depends on what you can think of.

And don’t worry if you don’t finish, most people don’t. At the end of it count up how many circles you completed. Put that # over 30 – that is your score.

I did this same experiment in my Research Methods class at college. Our group chose to measure differences in creativity between males and females, and this divergent thinking exercise was a great and simple way to quantify creative thinking. Given, creativity is an incredibly difficult thing to quantify, but for purposes of the class this experiment worked well (in case you are interested: we didn’t find any differences in male vs. female creativity).

This idea of divergent thinking can be extrapolated to any object or thing. The only limit is your imagination. Other common practices include thinking of how many different uses you can come up with for:

• A shoe.
• Duct tape.
• Paperclip.

If you think about it, this is really what a lot of creativity boils down to: using objects or things in unconventional ways than how they are usually used. Just like how Rosabeth Kanter describes: “Creativity is a lot like looking at the world through a kaleidoscope. You look at a set of elements, the same elements everyone else sees, but then reassemble those floating bits and pieces into an enticing new possibility.” That’s the same thing we do during these divergent thinking tasks. We look at a common element of our world that everyone else sees, but we utilize those elements in a way that wasn’t thought of before.

1. Close your eyes and vividly imagine yourself in a counselor’s room. Choose a definitive purpose for your meeting and what situation in your life you want help or guidance in.

2. Choose between 5-9 individuals (alive, dead, fictional, non-fictional – it doesn’t matter) who you would like to receive advice from regarding this particular situation.

3. Ask whatever questions you want to any of the individuals at your meeting. For each question, keep your mind open, and be ready to hear any response that comes back to you.

The stronger your imagination, the better. But don’t worry if you’re not naturally a creative or imaginary person; like most things, this skill can be developed with practice. You may not receive any insights the first time you meet with your counsel, but with practice you will get better at listening to your subconscious.

For a great explanation on the history and application of the Invisible Counselors Technique, this video does a bang up job (although there are some things I disagree with which I will address below, watch it first):

While I find this video really helpful in explaining how to do the Invisible Counselors Technique (and also how it relates to other people’s creative strategies), I don’t quite understand why it feels the need to bring up multiverses or quantum mechanics. The video originally quotes Hill as saying this is purely a fictional exercise, but then later tells how he changed his mind because the characters began to take a personality of their own.

I think the false assumption here is that our mind is a single, unitary personality. But in truth I think our personalities are much more multi-dimensional, partly because they are heavily influenced by other figures in our life: family members, friends, teachers, coworkers, celebrities, politicians, musicians, artists, actors, as well as fictional characters in movies, TV shows, books, plays, etc.

Thus, when we imagine our best friend or Mom or Abraham Lincoln in our mind’s eye, it isn’t as though we are actually channeling them into consciousness. What we are doing is projecting a vision or “archetype” of them that we have learned through prior experience with that person. Thus, I believe it is still technically a “fiction” – a projection of our imagination – although, it happens to be a useful fiction when it comes to creativity and problem-solving.

In truth, the effectiveness of the technique has little to do with whether or not these projections are “real” in some other dimension or simply “imaginary.” I think Occam’s Razor (choosing the theory that makes the fewest new assumptions) tells us that The Invisible Counselors Technique is a working of our imagination.

Given, I’m not an expert in Quantum Mechanics, but I do know that the popular consensus from most quantum physicists (and psychologists, for that matter) doesn’t support the notion that we can literally connect with the consciousness of dead minds. I won’t say it’s flat out wrong (because I don’t know), but I am certainly skeptical.

Skepticism aside, the technique is valid in its own right, and I highly recommend trying it. In all honesty, I find that our imaginations are an incredibly undervalued resource in today’s society. In addition, I think in many ways ideas remain dormant in our subconscious, and an exercise such as The Invisible Counselors Technique helps us bring these subconscious ideas into awareness. When we draw upon these different archetypes that exist in our minds, we become introduced to different perspectives that we may not have previously considered. I consider it a very useful technique in cognitive empathy.

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Of course, positive psychology wasn’t the first to emphasize the importance of meaning in living a satisfying life. Probably ever since human’s first became self-aware, they have asked themselves deep and profound questions about their life’s meaning and purpose. It is a struggle that we all seem to face, but some of us deal with it better than others. The existentialist psychologist Viktor Frankl wrote in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning” how even under the harshest conditions we can find meaning in our suffering, and live with dignity and satisfaction. When Frankl was put into a concentration camp during the Holocaust, he used to give lectures to an imaginary audience. In this way, Frankl learned to cope with his suffering by using his imagination to create a more meaningful existence to his life. He believed that by playing out his imagination objectively, he could find a deeper sense of purpose. He did.

I believe we should all exercise this capacity to some extent, and I believe imagination and creativity play a huge role. The human mind is gifted with this incredibly ability to restructure the way it views reality and experience. And as Frankl demonstrates, we can take truly awful circumstances in our life and transform them into something positive for ourselves.

I found this same theme to be very prevalent in the film Tideland by Terry Gilliam. The main character is a little girl who is incredibly lonely and lives with a very negligent father (played by Jeff Bridges). In some scenes, the little girl actually helps her father shoot up massive amounts of heroin, after which the father passes out for extended periods of time. In the girl’s fit of loneliness and desperation, she goes outside and her imagination takes over. She carries around the heads of three dolls, who all have their own personalities, and together they go on all kinds of adventures. Objectively, the life of this girl is harsh and miserable. But inside her head, she finds a way to get by.

Apparently most people who saw the film found it incredibly depressing (which is understandable) but the director Gilliam emphasizes that we often underestimate just how resilient the human mind is (especially when it is accompanied by a child-like imagination).

Of course, the examples presented by Frankl and Gilliam are extreme cases. But we all go through some kind of suffering, and by creating a new layer of meaning we can find ways to overcome this suffering.

When creating this meaning we don’t need to be as dreamy (or “delusional”) as the little girl in Tideland. Often creating meaning in one’s life is as simple as writing poetry, composing a song, dancing, or painting a picture. We shouldn’t constantly live in some imaginary existence, but using our imagination in some way can be incredibly healthy and emotionally relieving. A healthy imagination, in my honest opinion, is a crucial component to mental health and living a meaningful life.

I believe that when we participate in art or other creative activities, we simultaneously change the way we think about ourselves and our world. We begin to recognize that we are participators in this game of life. Life is not just something that happens to us, but something that we also create for ourselves. And by engaging in art and creativity, we feel more capable in taking control of our thoughts, emotions, actions, and life in general. Being creative empowers us.

Interestingly, there is some empirical evidence that shows a relationship between mental illness and creativity. Perhaps some of this is due to the unconventional thinking of those with mental illness. But I also think creativity is a natural coping mechanism. If people with mental illness are more likely to suffer than those without mental illness, art and creativity is something that the mentally ill would be naturally drawn to in order to manage their condition.

But, in truth, I think most of us are naturally drawn to some form of creativity. There may even be a hunger for it, and when that hunger isn’t satisfied I think our lives become drastically less meaningful and less satisfying.

The moral of this post is to embrace your ability to create new meaning in your life. And in my opinion art is one of the absolute best ways to do this. If you don’t already have a creative hobby, I suggest starting one. Don’t have the time? Make room for it, especially if you are in need of an emotional boost.

I personally engage in creative ways by posting on this blog, taking photographs, writing scripts for movies, and composing songs on my computer. I can’t imagine how much less fulfilling my life would be without hobbies like this. They make a big difference, they help me love life more.

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