The past is in the past, and no amount of thinking and worrying can change that. By acknowledging that our past mistakes are outside of our locus of control, we can more easily let go of these mistakes and stop beating ourselves up over them.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s completely natural to feel bad every now and then. In some ways, I think emotions like depression, guilt, and anger can actually serve a positive function in our lives.

At the same time, we have to be careful not to become too attached.

We have to think of these negative emotions and past events in our life as something to learn from and eventually let go of. The more we wallow in these emotions, without solution-oriented thinking, the more we feed into them and let them dictate our lives. That’s when these emotions become unhelpful, and even “addictive” in some cases.

Here are some tips and perspectives to help you stop beating yourself up over past mistakes:

• Remember that everyone makes mistakes at times, you are no different.
• You probably tried your best given the time and situation.
• Be honest about how these mistakes make you feel (frustrated, anger, guilty, sad, etc.) – without attaching these emotions or becoming addicted to them.
• Learn whatever lessons you can from the experience.
• Focus on what you can do now or in the near future to avoid repeating these mistakes.
• Know that the future will probably bring even more obstacles and failures. If you’re not failing, you’re probably not challenging yourself enough.
• Life is a constantly unfolding process, no single event can dictate the rest of your life, so don’t pretend that it does.

By the end of the day, it’s simply not worth it to be distracted by things that are no longer in our control. It’s a waste of both physical and mental resources.

Your past has shaped you to become the person you are today, but only your actions from here forward will shape who you become in the future.

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On the other end of this research, there is also evidence that pretending to fake happiness can be unhealthy in some situations:

• According to a recent study in the Academy of Management Journal, it was discovered that bus drivers were more likely to experience negative emotions on days when they pretended to be in a good mood.
• Another analysis of over 3 decades of research found that faking positive feelings at work was associated with lower employee satisfaction and increased job burnout.
• A third study published in Anxiety, Stress, and Coping found that volunteers at a call center who were told to “hide negative emotions” had greater increases in blood pressure and heart rate than those told to show their true feelings.

As it turns out, the “emotional labor” it takes to pretend to be in a good mood can actually be very taxing on our physical and mental well-being.

There are a couple of lessons that both business and employees could learn from this research.

One lesson for businesses is to give employees an opportunity to express themselves genuinely and openly. Of course, this doesn’t mean you want customer service yelling at people, but maybe giving employees a way to express their frustrations among each other could provide a valuable emotional release, without necessarily disrupting the “consumer experience.”

There should also be a drive in businesses to try to make work environments as stress-free and enjoyable as possible. Often times the happier workers are, the better their work performance and productivity. Because of this, I believe it is only a matter of time until more businesses begin implementing these principles.

One lesson for employees is to not feel the need to plaster on a smile every time they walk into the office. It is okay to feel down from time to time, and we need not pretend that our jobs are perfect (they rarely are).

This also fits with a common theme of this blog which is that we must give ourselves permission to be negative every now and then.

Another lesson for employees is to raise their standards. If a job isn’t at all satisfying to you, consider searching for something else that makes you genuinely happier. We sometimes underestimate our value and skills in the marketplace. We become complacent to one job, and we stop searching for other opportunities. We begin to accept the idea that a job is supposed to be something we hate, so we settle for something less than what we might really be capable of. Jobs can be difficult and tiresome, but that doesn’t mean they have to be the plague of our existence.

(I understand there are some limitations to the above, maybe based on your prior work experience, intelligence, and other factors. I only recommend that you keep yourself open to alternatives. You may not have a whole lot of different jobs to choose from, but there is often more than just one path.)

On that note, I want to remind you one last time that it’s completely natural to not be 100% in love with your job. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that needs to be the case. Often times, by acknowledging life’s imperfections, we can handle them better than if we try to bury ourselves in delusions and false promises.

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For example, if we repeat a thought like “I’m a smart and happy person” 20 times every morning, then we may begin to actually believe that about ourselves.

Reciting these beliefs is said to work because increased repetition of certain thought patterns (and neural pathways) is said to condition our brains to begin thinking in these new ways.

It’s kind of like working a muscle: the more repetitions you do, the stronger the thought will become.

Limitations of affirmations

I think there is some truth and usefulness to affirmations (I’ve shared some of my own affirmations with you guys before); however, I also think there are some limitations if we solely rely on affirmations to build new beliefs.

The reason I believe this is because our beliefs are very multi-faceted and dependent on a wide range of different factors – our moment-by-moment conscious thought is only the tip of the iceberg.

We can repeat a specific affirmation thousands of times inside our head, but if it doesn’t match up with our map of reality, then our unconscious mind will reject it.

Beliefs are not isolated thoughts that float through our head every now and then, they are embedded in a context of other information and mental processes.

Other factors that can influence our beliefs include:

• Reason: Many beliefs have some kind of logic or rationality behind them. So if you repeat an affirmation like, “I’m happy,” but deep-down you hold other beliefs like, “No one likes me” or “I’m not good at anything,” your critical mind is going to reject that affirmation – because it’s irrational in the context of your other core beliefs.

  No matter how many times you repeat that belief, your mind will rationalize it as untrue, because it doesn’t align with the deeper structure of your belief system.

  Solution: Ask deeper questions and uncover the core beliefs that contribute to your thinking. Only until you challenge your deepest assumptions can you really begin to make significant changes to your perspective and attitude.

• Emotional experience: Our beliefs are also greatly influenced by our emotional experience. For example, if we suffer from something taumatic, it is very unlikely that affirmations or reason alone can reverse our negative state of mind. This is because our beliefs resonate so strongly at an emotional level, that emotional experience triumphs logic reason. We may rationally understand that our beliefs don’t make sense, but we can’t let go of them because we have such a strong emotional attachment to them.

  Solution: Healthy emotional processing can be tricky. But as a general theory, I think we need to learn how to accept and express/”let go” of our emotions in healthy ways. Being more aware and attuned to our emotions is the first step, and the second step is learning how to channel this emotional energy in transformative ways (such as through open dialogue, creativity, meditation, prayer, etc.)

• Knowledge and facts: Beliefs should ultimately reflect how reality actually works. The better our beliefs model the world, the more effective they will be in helping us navigate throughout life. Therefore, it’s incredibly important to pay attention to the facts. Reciting affirmations that aren’t congruent with reality can be unhealthy and dangerous.

  Solution: Pay attention to the facts of reality, don’t dismiss science and empirical evidence, and be willing to let go of old assumptions if you find information that contradicts them.

• Social influence: Our culture and social traditions can also play a massive role in our belief system, especially during early stages of our development. We grow up learning certain beliefs and values from our parents, teachers, priests, and other role models throughout our life.

  Some of these beliefs may be useful, but some of it can also be out-dated and wrong.

  Solution: We have to at least be mindful of where our beliefs come from. If we merely choose a belief because it is popular and socially acceptable – but it doesn’t match up with our own reason, emotional experience, and knowledge – then it is very unlikely that belief will help guide your life in a positive direction.

These are important aspects of our beliefs that I think make the practice of affirmations a little more complex than some would like to believe.

The truth is that simply repeating an affirmation over and over again, without any context or meaning behind that affirmation, probably won’t be sufficient enough to implant that belief in our heads.

You should really only repeat affirmations if they hold some kind of truth or significance to you. An affirmation that is supported by your knowledge, experience, and reason is going to be vastly more powerful than an affirmation you just read about in a book or learned at church.

Ultimately, you should create affirmations that resonate with you, not something that someone told you is the correct affirmation to follow.

Questions.

• Do you use affirmations to aid your personal development?
• What affirmations work best for you?
• What tips have you found effective in making your affirmations stronger?

Feel free to answer these questions in the comment section below!

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But the truth is that experiencing some fear and anxiety is unavoidable, and it’s actually a good sign of a healthy mind. Often times, by acknowledging our fears (not avoiding them or suppressing them) we gain insight into areas in our life that we may need to improve upon.

Fear as a compass.

When your hand touches a hot stove, it feels pain, and that pain motivates you to move your hand away. In the same way, fear is an important signal and motivator that can help guide our behavior.

In Sean Cooper’s The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, he describes fear as a kind of compass:

“Fear is like a compass that points you towards the life you want. All of your deepest desires are fear-ridden, from approaching someone youʼre attracted to, to starting a new business, to conquering your social anxieties. Whenever you feel fear, you know that you are going after what you truly want and growing as a person.”

The truth is that whenever you try to make a significant change in your life, that change will usually be met with some kind of resistance or fear.This is because making changes requires that you start engaging in new and unfamiliar behaviors. And when engaging in these new behaviors, there will always be a degree of uncertainty – you’ve never acted in this way before, so you aren’t sure exactly what the rewards or consequences will be. This uncertainty can be a huge contributor to our fear, anxiety, and worry. But we have to learn how to embrace it anyway.

Confronting your fears face-to-face is the only way to truly overcome them. Avoiding fearful situations only exacerbates the problem. But when you begin to see fear as a sign of growth and boundary-pushing – when you are willing to step outside of your “comfort zone” – then you give yourself an opportunity to actually learn more about yourself and improve your life in the face of those fears.

You can’t get rid of these fears completely – you just have to find ways to embrace them in positive ways.

DIWA: Do It While Afraid

Fear doesn’t go away by learning about it. You need to actively seek new experiences and gain confidence in facing these physical and psychological obstacles. Only by exposing yourself to these new experiences do you begin to rewire your brain and habituate to these new environments and situations.

Sean Cooper has a mantra that helps him overcome fear: “acknowledge feelings and take appropriate action.”

There is no sense in suppressing or ignoring these feelings when they really exist. In fact, often the more we ignore or suppress our feelings, the bigger the feeling builds up inside of us. I like to sometimes think of our emotions as a baby throwing a temper tantrum. If you try to ignore the baby, it will only get louder and louder until it gets your attention. Our emotions work the same way – they are calling to us to get our attention.

Therefore, it’s crucial to acknowledge and accept our feelings. And while doing this, we can often become more aware of what causes our emotions, what they are trying to tell us, and how we should act in response to these feelings.

New actions can lead to new feelings.

It’s important to remember that even though our fears and anxieties feel like they inhibit us from acting in ways we want to, our feelings don’t actually dictate the way we behave. In fact, by feeling fear and anxiety, but actings ways we want to in spite of these feelings, we can actually end up feeling better about ourselves in the end. By adopting new habits, we also adopt a new self-perception.

For example, some research has demonstrated that introverts who initiate social interactions (even when it makes them feel uncomfortable or awkward) later report feeling better about themselves. They often end up more proud of themselves, because they know they tested their limits and in return learned something new. This indicates that sometimes doing something outside of our normal code of behavior – while it can be a temporary source of pain – can also lead to long-term positive feelings like confidence and self-esteem.

The paradox is that we can’t experience this new sense of ourselves until we first face that fear or anxiety. In other words: it isn’t until we expose ourselves to these fearful activities that we truly find out they “weren’t as bad” as we first thought.

Facing fear in small daily doses.

If you find yourself trying to face your fears and feeling utterly crippled by them, then you are probably starting off too big. For example, if you have social anxiety, then it’s probably not a good idea to start off by giving public speeches to hundreds of people or running for President.

You need to start with smaller activities, like maybe sparking a small conversation with a waiter or cashier. Or asking a really good-looking girl what time it is. Or maybe just making eye contact with everyone you walk passed on your way to work.

Where you start ultimately depends on what kind of fear and anxiety you have, and how strong it is. As a general principle: you should try to face your fears on a gradual basis. But you ultimately have to determine for yourself what are the appropriate steps to take – because everyone’s fears and anxieties are a bit different.

Check out this digital guide + online course to learn more about how to face your social anxiety and shyness.

The opposite of emotional independence is “situational happiness.” Situational happiness is when we depend on external circumstances in order to provide us with joy and well-being. We crave our “external world” to be a certain way, and if we don’t get it then we are left disappointed and unhappy. Those who learn to cultivate emotional independence (especially dedicated meditation practitioners like Buddhist monks), find out how to find happiness that is independent of these external conditions.

Some of the most common things we become dependent on for happiness include:

• Excessive eating.
• Alcohol and drugs.
• Movies, TV, music, video games, the internet, and other entertainment.
• Sex.
• Shopping and consumerism.
• People.
• Pets.
• Wealth and money.
• Traditions and routine.
• Etc.

These are all desires that we can develop a near-addictive personality toward. Of course, someone can develop an addictive personality toward nearly anything, but of course that doesn’t make any of these habits necessarily bad. Only when can no longer exercise these habits in moderation, and we begin to depend on them to enjoy ourselves, do these habits turn into a problem. Then, we are emotionally dependent on them in order to live a fulfilling life.

For example, if you always need to eat McDonalds, watch videos on YouTube, play videogames, or be around Person A to feel good about yourself, then what happens when you can no longer get your fix? If you’re truly addicted, you will begin to experience withdrawals. Then, the pain and suffering you feel from not being able to satisfy all these desires becomes that much worse.

Like a junkie, you may even go through desperate and unhealthy measures to reclaim that short and temporary high. But you can’t keep chasing temporary highs all your life. Happiness needs to be rooted in something deeper, not simple sensations of pleasure and pain.

The best method I know for minimizing these desires and increasing our capacity for intrinsic happiness is meditation and the development of equanimity.

Equanimity is a non-reactive acceptance of our circumstances without judging them as necessarily “good” or “bad.” It’s usually seen as synonymous with “being calm and relaxed,” but equanimity actually penetrates deeper than that.

Instead of having our strings pulled by every little thing that enters our lives, equanimity allows us to take a step back and accept things for what they are, without always feeling like we need to “react” to something or “fix” it.

Achieving complete equanimity and acceptance is something that can probably only be achieved if you meditate for years and years, but luckily there are a few things we can do to begin experiencing the benefits of equanimity in our own lives:

• Start meditating. Even practicing something simple and easy like the 100 Breaths Meditation can do wonders for cultivating a less reactive mindset.
• Accept things you have no control over. We cause ourselves so much unnecessary stress by worrying about things that are outside our sphere of control. The quicker we can accept them and move on, the better off we are.
• See the bigger picture. This is a reframe I write about a lot (most recently I mentioned it in my article “Social Anxiety and CBT“). I feel that when we put things into a “big picture perspective” we often find that the things that irritate us the most aren’t such a big deal after all.
• Stop and take a breather. When we don’t have equanimity, we become very impulsive. We react to things without ever taking a step back and thinking about them. There’s a technique in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) called STOP that provides a great buffer between our thoughts and our actions. The more “buffer” we have between our actions, the less reactive we become.
• Practice, practice, practice. You won’t develop an impenetrable attitude overnight. This stuff takes a lot of practice and a lot of failure. Most likely, you’ll still get frustrated at that crying baby on the bus, or when you spill your drink, or when a deadline at work begins approaching. It’s near impossible to be completely non-reactive to your circumstances, but with practice you can become less reactive – and that can make a big difference over time.

Following these simple guidelines is a great way to combat situational happiness and develop some emotional independence. By doing these things, we begin to take greater control over our internal states, and that can often be a lot easier than trying to always fulfill external desires.

Check out this online course by Sean Cooper to learn more about how to face your social anxiety and shyness.