The thesis of Aboujaoude’s book is that the world wide web can have a very profound affect on our sense of self. In fact, it can cause a kind of “digital divide” between our digital self, how we often think and behave online, and our offline self, how we often think and behave in face-to-face, “real world” interactions.

Aboujaoude has observed this divide in many of his own patients who engage heavily in online behavior – anywhere from creating fakes profiles on dating sites to impulsive online shopping to delusional thinking about reality (to the point where individuals begin to consider the reality of virtual worlds like Second Life and World of Warcraft more real than their lives offline).

Some of the case studies and examples in Virtually You are clearly reflective of individuals who already have a propensity for mental disorders. The internet just provided an outlet that exacerbated the problem, and clearly not everyone who engages in online behavior is going to develop a mental disorder.

However, the bigger lesson in Aboujaoude’s book is that the internet does play a very causal role in our lives and well being – and thus it is important to be very mindful of our online behavior. In addition to his case studies and anecdotes about patients and friends, Aboujaoude shares a lot of compelling research in psychology, neuroscience, economics, and sociology that seems to indicate that in many ways the internet is a unique kind of environment that creates a very different kind of self-perception (one which can affect both our online and offline behavior).

The author identifies several negative personality traits that tend to manifest in our e-personality or digital self:

Delusions of Grandeur

To many, the internet holds great promises of freedom, wealth, power, and opportunity.

One great example of this is the dot com bubble. When it first began, many people jumped into their own online business expecting easy money and overnight success. And while many companies did experience some temporary success, once the bubble burst they quickly discovered just how much of it was a false dream.

Of course, the internet can be a powerful tool that does increase opportunity for success, but for many it can also create delusions of grandeur and omnipotence. While on the web, it’s very easy to feel like “the sky is the limit” – thus everyone seems to think they are capable of some share of the fame, success, or power that the internet seems to be so abundant with.

This exaggerated perception only feeds our egos and causes us to act with “irrational exuberance” – often leading to some ultimately destructive behaviors and big disappointments. The dot com bubble is one of the most salient examples of this, but false hopes are built everyday when impressionable minds see the success experienced by YouTube sensations like Justin Bieber, or other internet success stories that seem to erupt almost spontaneously.

Everyday more and more people expect the internet to be their path to fame and fortune. In the book, Aboujaoude compares this exaggerated perception of opportunity to the California Gold Rush in the 19th century. And while the dot com bubble has already burst, Aboujaoude fears that – like a patient with bipolar disorder – more manic episodes are beginning to erupt due to the allure of success that plagues almost all corners of the internet.

Narcissism

Narcissism is a kind of excessive self-love, and another common byproduct of developing our e-personality or digital self. The fact is: due to our growing ability to customize and edit our online presence, it’s very easy to get caught in the trap of thinking we are more important than we really are. Anyone who uses sites like Facebook, YouTube, or Twitter has probably exaggerated some claims about themselves in order to seem more like their “ideal” self, even if it is just building your friends list so that you seem more popular.

Digital technology and the internet seem to provide us with a way to cover up our flaws and imperfections in a way we never could before. This includes anything from using photoshop to edit our pictures, to lying about our career on a forum or dating site, to acting with an inflated sense of self-importance while in a chatroom or forum. More and more, the gap between our “real self” and “digital self” seems to be growing greater and greater.

Similar to delusions of grandeur, the internet gives us an artificial sense of power over our own self-improvement and self-esteem. In some ways, Aboujaoude claims this reflects a drive for us to be more “God-like,” and the internet provides us with the tools to make this ideal self seem like more of a possibility than ever before.

With this kind of perceived opportunity, who would want to be tethered to the physical limitations of the real world? Why be old, short, fat, and bald when you can create a young, tall, dark, handsome version of yourself in a virtual world, like in Second Life? And instead of having to find a real girlfriend, you can just create an avatar of your ideal girlfriend? Many people are becoming increasingly infatuated with the freedom and customization of virtual worlds, and they are willing to neglect their offline lives in order to dedicate more and more time to their fantasies.

Aggression

This formation of a “digital self” often doesn’t just harm our own self-perception, but also the people we choose to treat while inhabiting this self. Because the internet can give us a superficial sense of power and authority, many people often abuse this power by hurting others. Cyberbullying especially is becoming a huge problem in schools everywhere. Some victims have been so badly harassed online that they have dropped out of school or even committed suicide.

Unlike traditional bullying, the identity of the cyberbully is unknown in almost half the cases. This kind of anonymity often causes individuals to act in ways far more cruelly and with less inhibition than they would in face-to-face interactions. In other words, the internet creates an environment that can often bring out the very worst in people. Once individuals begin hiding behind a mouse and keyboard, morality tends to be thrown out the window, because most people are never held accountable for their actions.

In addition, time spent in other virtual environments, such as in violent videogames, has also been shown to increase offline aggression in children, teens, and young adults. In a cross-cultural longitudinal study done by psychologist Craig Anderson, of the Center for the Study of Violence at Iowa State University, researchers studied 1,500 participants over the course of a year and found that individuals who played violent videogames on a regular basis were twice as likely to show aggressive tendencies later in the year (compared to those who were not engaged in these videogames). Researchers of the study attribute this effect in videogames to it’s interactive nature, and the idea that games often reward players for killing, and over time desensitive them to the moral consequences of violence.

Similar phenomenon of desensitization can also be seen in individuals who watch gory and disturbing videos online (such as terrorists getting their heads chopped off, or a woman stomping a helpless kitten to death with her stiletto heels). Many internet users show an offbeat curiosity for watching these kinds of videos, but they are also unaware of how these videos warp our perceptions of reality and habituate us to some truly violent and disturbing acts.

I remember getting my first dose of gory pictures (probably from a site like Rotten.com) when I was a young user of the internet. Since then I have seen many other disturbing images and videos, and over time I’ve noticed the “shock value” of many of these videos diminish – probably as a result of gradual desensitization. It’s important sometimes to take a step back and realize that these are real people doing really atrocious things, and we should be mindful of the curiosity and offbeat “entertainment” we sometimes get from viewing this kind of material.

Impulsivity

The ease of accessibility – and “instant gratification” – we often get from the internet makes us much more inclined to act impulsively. So many sites and online stores now have “one click” purchases and memberships, and this leaves us very little room to reflect on our decisions before making them.

Of course, things like impulsive shopping and gambling have existed long before the internet has. However, the internet seems to exacerbate the problem to an unprecedented level. A study published in a 2002 issue of the journal Psychology of Addictive Behaviors found that online gamblers were 3 times more likely to show signs of pathological gambling. And although there are no specific studies published yet on how the internet affects impulsive shopping, one has to wonder what role the web has played in the recent surge of consumer debt and credit card debt since the late 1990s.

Our consumerist culture thrives more and more on online shopping. Almost any item you want is just a few clicks away, whether on Amazon, Ebay, or craigslist. And now that our money has taken an intangible, digital form, it’s far easier for us to give into these temptations without considering the true long-term costs of our behavior.

Before the internet, buying something was a multi-step process. You had to physically leave your house, get in the car or walk to the store, pick-up the item, take the money out of your pocket, and hand it over to the cashier. Today, however, there is hardly any inconvenience, and there is similarly no potential for public scrutiny or shame in being a compulsive shopper. We can buy and buy, without ever feeling the repercussions or guilt (that is, until we get our bill the next month, and realize the real financial consequences from our impulsive decisions).

Infantile Regression and the Tyranny of the Emoticon

Aboujaoude is a big critic of emoticons and internet terminology. While he recognizes it as an interesting phenomenon from a linguistic perspective, he also strongly believes that it is contracting and regressing language in a destructive way.

“According to Brazilian linguist Sergio Costa, much of the communicating that happens online is in a childlike language. Just as children who do not master the conventions of language write in abbreviated code, rich in neologisms and pictorial characters, adults in their e-mails, blogs, and text messages adopt these less sophisticated forms of communication, willfully using lowercase when capitalization is indicated, and freely shortening and conflating words. The use of the emoticon represents an equally simple substitute for complex communication – who needs to carefully process feelings and logically organize thoughts before finally communicating a state of mind, when a simple hieroglyphics can convey everything…and nothing?”

Our need for speedy and immediate communication has caused us to abbreviate and over-simplify language to our own detriment. According to a 2005 study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, many people are “overconfident in their ability to communicate sarcasm, seriousness, anger, and sadness over e-mail.” The study also shows that people were overconfident in their ability to detect these emotions via e-mail. This suggests that emoticons and common internet terminology are often inadequate to properly explaining our thoughts and emotions to others. It has reduced our digital self to an “infant-like” use of language, and in many ways has dumbed down a lot of online dialogue.

I will add that I think Aboujaoude’s criticisms of online terminology are a bit unfair. I find there to be an elegance and creativity in expressing myself in under 140 characters (such as in a tweet or Facebook status or text message). But I also think it’s important that we remain mindful of our contraction/”regression” of language throughout our online conversations – because while it may be useful in some contexts, it shouldn’t spill over into conversations that need more context and deeper thinking. If we lose the capacity to think out rational arguments and have deep and profound conversations, then I think we are going in the wrong direction. Clearly, as much as I love tweeting, I love writing lengthy and informative posts too. We need both in healthy communication.

Love and Sex Recalibrated

The internet is also greatly affecting our perceptions on relationships, love, and sex. You can’t visit a website or open your inbox without seeing some kind of spam or advertisement for how to improve your love life or sex life. We get exposed to sexual “ideals” and quick fixes on a daily basis, and these stimuli play a major role in how we perceive ourselves, our relationships, and our sexual preferences.

According to Aboujaoude, the internet and sex are inextricably intertwined. Data corroborated from comScore and Family Safe Media in 2005-2006 found:

• The average internet user spends a quarter of an hour a day viewing pornography.
• One in 5 men view pornography online while at work.
• More than a third of downloads are pornographic.
• A quarter of all search engine requests are pornographic.
• More than a third of Internet users report unwanted exposure to sexual material.

Digital technology has created a means for people to satisfy their sexual appetite both online and offline, and to some extent it has had some really negative consequences.

For example, individuals who find sexual partners online are often more likely to contract STDs, and Aboujaoude makes a convincing argument that the internet facilitates sexual encounters to a much greater ease than without the internet, because: 1) It helps us manage first impressions better, and 2) It allows us to begin building a trustful relationship (through “virtual intimacy”) before ever meeting someone in person. In one study published in 2007 by the journal Sexuality Research and Social Policy, 30% of women engaged in sexual activity during their first face-to-face meeting with someone they met online – but most didn’t consider it a “one night stand.”

The internet allows us to facilitate courtship in a far easier and faster way then actually going out on dates in person (where we probably learn far more about each other). Due to this, Aboujaoude believes that the internet might be considered it’s own independent risk factor in the contraction of STDs.

In addition to this, the rise of cellphones and texting (mobile versions of our “digital self”) have also brought about a new phenomenon of sexual activity: sexting. According to a 2008 survey of 1,280 participants, commissioned by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 22 percent of all teenage girls said they have posted online, e-mailed, or sexted nude or seminude images of themselves. Out of boys, 18 percent reported posting or sending pictures of themselves. Most do it to be “fun or flirtatious” or as a “joke,” but the joke usually ends once these images make it to the public domain, where people begin sharing them with their peers, coworkers, and Facebook friends.

In many ways, the internet has saved individuals from social isolation and helped people find fulfilling relationships in their lives that they probably wouldn’t have found otherwise. But it is important to be aware of these dark aspects of our online lives that can sometimes foster destructive habits and attitudes when going about relationships and sexual behavior. Part of it probably has to do with “Impulsivity,” “Narcissism,” and other traits of our digital self and e-personality. One thing is for certain however: the internet is drastically changing the way many of us conduct our relationships.

Illusion of Knowledge

According to Aboujaoude, the internet has bestowed a “false mastery of knowledge.” While we have so much information right at the tips of our fingers, especially with access to sites like Google and Wikipedia, many of us begin to think we are more qualified and educated than we really are.

In fact, partly because there is just so much information on the internet, many of us can’t be bothered to read lengthy articles or prose. Instead, according to Jacob Nielsen (an early authority on Web page “usability”) 79% of online readers scan, rather than read word-for-word. Often readers can’t be bothered to dig into text in order to find a piece of information or an answer to a problem. Instead, we like our information highlighted or put into a small bullet-point list, something that is easily digestible and doesn’t lose our waning attention.

Nicholas Carr wrote an article a few years ago expressing a big concern for this new way of reading and absorbing new information, called “Is Google Making Us Stupid?” He argues from personal experience that because we have become so hooked on immediate gratification and immediate information from the internet, our attention spans (and our ability to focus) have declined significantly. To date, several studies have shown a link between Attendion Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and internet use.

Internet Addiction

Considering all the conveniences and desires that the internet seems to provide our digital self, it’s probably not too surprising that internet addiction has been on the rise over the years. According to some sources, the Internet can sometimes suck up 45 days per year in some urban centers.

According to a survey done by Aboujaoude and his researchers, 4-14% of the general population show evidences of problematic internet use, such as:

• 6% said their personal relationships suffered as a consequence of internet use.
• 6% regularly went online to escape negative moods.
• 9% felt they had to hide their internet use.
• 11% regularly stayed online for longer than they intended.
• 14% had a hard time staying offline for days in a row.

Although the diagnosis of “Internet Addiction” isn’t yet included in the DSM (Diagnostics and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), Aboujaoude believes that it will soon be, as he finds there is compelling evidence that internet addiction is a solely new kind of obsessive behavior that isn’t yet properly researched or recognized in academic psychology.

The Future of Our Digital Self

Now with the surge of online mobile devices, our digital self is playing a bigger and bigger role in our lives. In all likelihood, the digital self isn’t going away, which is why it is so important to pay attention to the warnings in Virtually You so that we can avoid many of these pitfalls in our future online behavior.

Personally, at times I find some of Aboujaoude’s writing a little alarmist and blown out of proportion, but that doesn’t takeaway from the bigger lessons in Virtually You, which I believe every individual is going to need to come to terms with as our virtual world continues to grow, evolve, and become more integral to our daily lives.

A belief reflects our “map of the world.” It helps us navigate through reality. And the kind of map we have is going to greatly affect the paths in life that we choose to take. A bad map may lead you into dark and muggy territory, while a good map leads you to warmth and sunshine.

The fact of the matter is, however, that we all need these beliefs to help guide our lives. Without them, we wander around mindlessly, without direction and purpose.

Everyone has a belief system.

Everyone has a belief system whether they choose to acknowledge it or not. The human mind is a “belief factory,” we are constantly observing our world, inferring things about it, and choosing what to do with this knowledge. We need to. Without beliefs, we’d never be able to make decisions or take action in our lives.

Therefore, every decision we make, and action we take, reflects a conscious or unconscious belief.

Beliefs aren’t perfect.

In general, the human mind isn’t perfect.

A lot of recent psychology research over the years has demonstrated that our minds are incredibly prone to error and bias. Very often, we aren’t capable of being 100% certain in our beliefs, so we have to make the best with what we have and hope it’s a good enough model of the world, despite our imperfections.

The map is not the territory.

There’s a popular mantra in self-help literature which says that “the map is not the territory.”

This is actually an idea first put forward by the Polish scientist and philosopher Alfred Korzybski. His view was that whenever we try to represent something in reality (whether through thoughts, concepts, or even physical representations like a map of a geographical region), we have to remember that the representation is never the thing we are trying to represent.

Instead, our representations of reality are always “best fits.”

Think about it: if you actually had a 100% accurate map of Iceland, then it would have to be the size and shape of Iceland.

Obviously, this is impractical. And our minds know this. So we take the information that comes through our senses and we generalize some of it, delete some of it, and manipulate some of it so that it better serves our practical needs.

Instinctually, your mind isn’t concerned about “absolute truths” about the universe – it just wants “truths” that help you function effectively throughout your immediate environment.

What influences our beliefs?

We often like to think that we come up with our beliefs solely on our own, and without any kind of outside influence, but the truth is that there are a wide array of different factors that shape our belief system. Some of the big ones I like to pay attention to include:

• Authority figures, especially from an early age: parents, teachers, priests, etc.
• Culture, like movies, music, TV, books, religion, tradition, politics, etc.
• Role models, such as the personal lives of musicians, authors, comedians, actors/actresses, philosophers, scientists, artists, celebrities, and even fictional characters.
• Our past experiences, even just one really memorable and/or traumatic event can condition us to have certain beliefs that persist for a lifetime.
• Knowledge, learning and discovering new things about reality can cause us to reshape our beliefs in the face of this new evidence
• Reflection and contemplation, actively introspecting to better understand our beliefs, thought patterns, and how they affect us.

All of these influences can affect our beliefs in a positive or negative way. The key is to be more aware of where our beliefs come from and what factors are shaping our map of the world. If we discover that we learned something unhelpful as a child, or from an old TV program, or whatever, then it may be necessary to filter out some of these negative influences and replace them with something that better suits our values and goals.

Beliefs must be subject to change.

Beliefs must be subject to change for two reasons.

One, as I mentioned before, our minds are imperfect and incredibly prone to error. Therefore, it is very reasonable that we will come across new evidence that will challenge our old beliefs and assumptions. When that time comes, it’s important to acknowledge that we may be wrong about something, and only then can we update and correct our map of world.

Note: This can be difficult, because it requires us to put aside personal biases and be honest with ourselves when we discover new information or evidence that challenges our existing beliefs.

Two, every individual has a different window into reality. That’s why our society has such a diverse range of different beliefs. Remember, your mind prefers truths that serve a function within the context of your life, not universal/absolute truths that are often disconnected from practical reality. Therefore, a belief may work perfectly well with one person, but not so well for another person.

The lesson here is that if you only determine your beliefs from outside influences – like your parents, schools, or government – then it is very likely that your “map of the world” won’t suit your interests, values, and goals. Those beliefs ultimately serve the people who found them to be useful in the first place, but they may not serve you in the same way. In the end, you have to think for yourself and question past authorities – this could mean that you will later abandon old beliefs that were taught to you from others.

If you want to read about some personal experiences I’ve had unlearning old and unhelpful beliefs, check out: 5 Lessons I Learned in School and Now Want to Forget.

If you’d like to learn more about changing beliefs and some of the tools you can use, then I recommend my other recent post: Personal Development Reprogramming.

Questions.

• What are some old beliefs that you have later needed to change because they didn’t help you?
• What has had the biggest influence on your beliefs?
• How often do you actively introspect and reflect on the beliefs that drive your behavior?

Leave answers in the comment section below!

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The problem with this view is that it is rarely an accurate depiction of reality. Instead, their self-perception has created the fact. Low self-esteem often turns into a feedback loop of negative attitudes→ negative actions → negative results. And once we have recycled this process over and over again (hundreds, if not thousands of times), we begin to accept it as the only possible reality that exists, which is often not the case.

Negative self-esteem is a process that can be broken out of, but we have to do it mindfully. Some people begin to do some self-reflection and they notice the negative affects of their views and beliefs. But, in a fit of desperation, they go to the other extreme and begin to turn selfish and narcissistic. They start to think the whole world should bend to their will and that they deserve everything (because maybe this will finally bring it to them). But just like the self-pitying individual, the narcissist will also find themselves unsatisfied.

Narcissism is sometimes described as “excessive self-love.” It is when we see ourselves as the center of the universe and deserving of everything that it has to offer. This attitude is incredibly unattractive to others, because it often creates vanity and self-obsession. When one becomes solely concerned with oneself and one’s own desires, it is tough to build meaningful and satisfying relationships with others. While the goal of narcissistic individuals is to achieve their own happiness, they rarely find it before changing their ways.

Self-Pity vs. Narcissism
Put a halt to black and white thinking.

Narcissism and self-pity are equally extreme and detrimental to one’s pursuit of happiness. But sometimes black-and-white thinking makes us believe that we need to choose between the two. However, I see them as two different manifestations of the same process.

People who are narcissistic may seem like they actually “love” themselves, but I see it as a facade to a deeper feeling of insecurity. When I see people boast and brag endlessly, it is almost as if they need to “prove themselves” to others. And how can someone who needs to constantly be validated by other people possibly have “healthy self-esteem?”

In the same way, I’ve noticed how my own past attitudes of negative self-perception and low self-esteem have led me to become increasingly narcissistic and arrogant. I thought that since one view didn’t work, the view’s opposite extreme would have to work. But I was dead wrong. I forced myself to believe the opposite, but ignored confronting my insecurities in a realistic way.

Healthy Self-Esteem
Acknowledge both strengths and shortcomings.

Healthy self-esteem requires that we can acknowledge and appreciate our strengths, but also accept our shortcomings and insecurities. This process begins by understanding that everyone excels in some areas of life, but not so much in others. Perfection is a myth of human nature, and once we relinquish that desire for it, we are free to be ourselves without seeking unrealistic ideals

When we acknowledge our strengths, we find value in ourselves, and we become more motivated to build on those strengths. When we acknowledge our shortcomings, we can try to improve those which are in our control, and let go of worrying about the ones that we can’t control.

Some of this requires self-awareness and self-reflection. Merely jamming affirmations down your throat won’t mean anything if you haven’t developed a clearer understanding of what you value, what you believe, what you want to achieve, and what you are capable of. It is important that we always ask ourselves what we truly value and believe before adopting what other people tell us we should value and believe. No one’s perspective can substitute your own self-awareness.

In this way, we are partly responsible for our values, beliefs, actions, and accomplishments. This can lead to a great feeling when we find ourselves taking positive action and achieving these values. Please don’t hesitate to relish in pride every now and then. If you achieve something great, you deserve to feel great for it. That’s a healthy part of the balance.

Accepting our responsibility can also lead us to feel even worse when we don’t get what we want – because we realize that we may be partly to blame. Feeling blame and guilt isn’t always a bad thing, sometimes it’s a sign that you realize you did something wrong and you want to change it. It shows your human, and it shows you’re willing to work on your occasional shortcomings. Don’t feel down just for feeling down, allow yourself to experience these feelings because they are often a sign of emotional intelligence. Listen to your feelings – whether “positive” or “negative” – because often there is a nugget of knowledge there to help guide you into the future.

People with healthy self-esteem don’t need to always feel awesome (which the typical narcissist craves). Instead, they can be comfortable in these “negative” states too – even the occasional burst of self-doubt, which is a natural phase we all go through during certain periods of our life. At the same time, those with healthy self-esteem don’t get addicted to self-doubt like others may. They allow themselves to experience it, then learn from it, let it go, and move on putting their best foot forward.

Those with healthy self-esteem have a deeper sense of self-awareness that goes beyond “surface feelings” of pleasure, pain, good, bad. They see the bigger picture, and recognize themselves as a more dynamic “whole” than what these false dichotomies usually have to offer (pleasure/pain, good/bad, right/wrong). Black-and-white thinking is rarely an accurate depiction of reality, and often a smart, ongoing balance needs to be practiced.

Basic Principles of Healthy Self-Esteem
A summary of some key ideas when cultivating healthier self-esteem.

Healthy self-esteem varies from person to person. What makes me feel good about myself may be remarkable different than what makes you feel good about yourself. Despite these differences, I think there are some basic principles that we should keep in mind:

• I am a multi-dimensional person with both strengths and weakness.
• I am dynamic and constantly growing and evolving in new ways.
• I can take my strengths and build upon them.
• I can take many of my weakness and improve them.
• I can let go of weakness I have no control over.
• I have no desire to seek the myth of “perfection.”
• I don’t have to prove myself to others.
• I know my values and goals in life and how to act on them.
• I am capable of overcoming obstacles and learning from failures.
• I give myself permission to be proud of my accomplishments.
• I give myself permission to be frustrated or doubt myself from time-to-time.
• I don’t get addicted to either narcissism or self-pity.
• I am comfortable taking compliments from others on my achievements.
• I am comfortable taking criticism from others.
• I can take an optimistic view of myself while still be grounded in reality.
• I know how to reframe and engage in positive self-talk.
• Having self-esteem doesn’t have to be selfish. I can motivate, inspire, and help others by being a positive role model (see Magnetic Self-Esteem for a great example of this by Bruce Lee).
• Engage in activities that you are good at, but also challenge yourself.
• Take responsibility for actions in your life that you can change.
• Live so that you can go to sleep being content with how you spent your day.

These are just a few principles and tips that I believe can lead to healthier self-esteem. However, you have to also keep in mind that practice is more important than theory. Reading advice in this post may give you an idea on the types of things you need to change (both in your thoughts and in your actions), but ultimately this advice won’t mean anything unless you take active steps to make a change.

Questions

1) Have you ever went through a period in your life where you were trapped in excessive self-pity and/or narcissim?

2) If so, is it something you are still going through or have you overcome it? What helped you overcome it?

3) What is your definition of “healthy self-esteem?”

Think back ten or twenty years from now, you were probably a different person then. Your body was different, your thoughts were different, and your actions were different. Did you consciously make that change? Maybe for some things, but overall you probably weren’t even aware of how much you were changing. Only in retrospect do we fully realize how different we’ve become.

People don’t usually need to read about “personal development” to make a change in their life. It just happens – like a cicada leaving its shell or a butterfly leaving its cocoon. We all go through our own process of metamorphosis. Change is the natural state of affairs and the only thing that is truly certain. As Heraclitus once said, “You could not step twice into the same river; for other waters are ever flowing on to you.” (Tweet this quote). This quote perfectly illustrates our world as in a constant state of flux.

The fact that everything is always changing is actually somewhat of a double-edged sword. On one hand, when we feel depressed or angry or frustrated, we know it’s not going to last. On the other hand, when we feel happy or blissful or secure, we also know that it too is not going to last.

It is just like the story of King Solomon’s ring, a ring which has the “magical” ability to make a sad person happy or a happy person sad. What is so special about the ring? Nothing, except that it has the words “This too shall pass” engraved in it. Why would these words make a sad person happy or a happy person sad? Because it tells us that nothing is permanent.

Humans, as intelligent as we think we are, believe that we can resist this change or even transcend it. We like to think of ourselves as everlasting, and we often find ourselves reinforcing this belief whenever we say things like “This is just who I am” or “This is how I have always been.”

Of course, any amount of inquiry into these statements tells us that they just aren’t so. How can you possible compare you, as a fetus still in the womb, to you, now with a family and a 40-hour-a-week job? They aren’t the same you!

A world of constant change doesn’t need to cause chaos or displeasure in one’s life. It is only when we cling to a particular mental state or belief (or even a physical possession) that we fight tooth-and-nail not to lose it. But by letting go of our need to cling, we can embrace change and maximize our personal evolution.

Here are a few suggestions:

• Stop thinking of yourself as a fixed entity.
• Accept that you are a different person today than you once were.
• Accept that you will be a different person in the future than you are today.

With these ideas in mind you no longer have to fight change, and it begins to come more effortlessly. Sure, you will still have values, beliefs, intentions and goals, but they too will always be changing – and that is okay!

We exhaust so much effort in trying to maintain our identity or ego without understanding that its nature is to change, grow, and expand. The tighter we hold on to our identity, the more we restrict it from reaching its potential.

Exercise: Watch The Weather Change

Take 20-30 minutes out of your day, go outside, and watch how the weather changes. Notice clouds passing by, changes in sunlight, an oncoming storm, the sky changing color, stars shifting, or whatever happens to be changing in that particular moment. Make a mental note of all the things you witness.

The point of this exercise is to be more mindful of just how dynamic our world really is (and in return how dynamic we really are). Even something as simple as the weather (which we commonly think of as in the “background” of our world) is in a constant state of flux. At the very least, this is a great metaphor for the unconscious changes that take place in our own personal development. At best, it is a real-life example of just how dynamic the cosmic order is.

For a bigger effect, do this during sunrise or sunset.

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I like having dreams. I am not afraid to follow them, and I think it is never too late to try and pursue something new unless you are resting on your deathbed cold and numb.

But who am I kidding? I am only 21 years old. I have so much time, energy, creativity, and passion waiting to manifest. I have the world in the palm of my hands. Yes, I really do – so why not aspire? Light the candles of my inner passions a little. Not just avoiding death, but living life. Let my rockstar come out!

Who is my inner rockstar?

If Carl Jung were here giving me some counseling – he would probably ask, “Who is your inner rockstar? What is his personality like and what are his values in life?”

Jung would agree that my inner rockstar is a construction of my mind: a product of my background, society, culture, attitude, and experience.

When I think “rockstar” a few key ideas pop into my head:

• Rebellion

Rockstars do what they want. They don’t take shit from anybody and if you try to suppress a rockstar’s will or desire, you bet he is going to topple over you to get to where he wants to be. This rebellious attitude is so often what impressionable children and teens find so attractive in rockstars.

• Exploration

Whether it is in the tour bus or sitting in the studio, rockstars are always exploring. Exploring new sounds, new themes, new artwork, new ideas. Once they put together a CD they begin touring; seeing new sides of the country, maybe even getting a chance to travel to Europe and Japan if they are big enough. Being a rockstar is both an exploration inwards (artistically) and outwards (socially).

• Spontaneity

Jamming on stage is spontaneous, meeting new people backstage, having fans come up to you in five star restaurants, trying to keep the fellow bandmates from strangling each other during another long bus trip. Living the life of a rockstar, you never know what is going to happen next. Life can be hectic, it can slap you in the face from time-to-time, but it is a sign that you are alive and in the fast lane. It may bring you moments of pleasure and pain, but they certainly won’t be dull.

• Leadership

Rockstars often have big egos, which isn’t necessarily a good thing, but it is a price to pay when you are put in a position of power. You are in the limelight. People and paparazzi follow you around asking questions and concerns. You have young teens and adults coming to your shows, feeling inspired, using your music as a gateway towards a more fulfilling life. In some ways, a big rockstar can be even more influential in shaping society than most politicians.

• Enjoyment

In the end I think a lot of people just want to become rockstars because it looks fun and enjoyable. Think about how much better your life would be if you got to do something that you absolutely loved each and everyday of your life. You’re getting paid massive amounts of money to play guitar, bang away on the drums, or scream into a microphone. If you have never had the urge to play an instrument before, or if you’ve never had the dream to make a living doing what you love…get the fuck out of here… you are lying (don’t take my harsh words too seriously – I am just in my rockstar mindset).

I don’t want to over psychoanalyze my inner rockstar. Just become more aware of it. I want to discover which characteristics about the idea resonate with me most. I want to activate that “little me” that has been hiding inside, as if it were a little switch in my mind that I could just flip ON.

Using archetypes to build character

Of course it would always be nice to be a real rockstar. But I don’t seek to be other people, I seek to be a better me. And using role models (even in the form of abstract symbols or archetypes) can help guide us in improving certain aspects and characteristics of our life.

Let’s say for example that I wanted to be more spiritual. I could consciously create an archetype in my head by integrating different aspects of all my favorite spiritual leaders. People like the Dalai Lama, Buddha, Gandhi, Robert Thurman, Thich Nhat Hanh, Lao Tzu, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, Osho, Mooji, Jesus, etc.

Then once I created this prototype of a spiritual leader, I can begin to extrapolate certain characteristics that I find are universal about it:

• Compassion and loving-kindness towards others.
• Dedication to one’s practice.
• Calmness and patience.
• Wisdom and acknowledging the unknown.

This is just a rough start, but as you can see you can create an archetype fairly quickly – just open up Microsoft Word and start jotting some things down. The idea here isn’t to yearn to become one of these other individuals, but to extrapolate a lesson from them. To use their example as an inspiration to be more like them.

I may never be a real rockstar…but it doesn’t matter, because the point is that what I really want is more rebellion, exploration, spontaneity, leadership and enjoyment in my life. That is where this archetype comes in handy.

Energy flows where attention goes

When I bring my inner rockstar into consciousness I am simultaneously giving it life. As the popular Huna saying goes, “Energy flows where attention goes.” Even just the simply act of writing this blog post is beginning to awaken these new facets of my rockstar being.

I could expand further by meditating on my inner rockstar – imagining him in different situations and how he might think and behave. This act of visualization is a great way to send attention (or energy) into different actions one can do to build character. In mentally prepares me to manifest these new rockstar tendencies throughout my day.

In particular, I believe that wakening my inner rockstar will help facilitate my motivation, allow me to take more risks and strive to achieve greater things, like stuff within this blog, in my social interactions, and in my daily habits.

Here are some fantastic ways to “draw energy” from your archetypes, some of which have already been touched upon in this article:

1. Write about them. That is what I am doing here.

2. Meditate/visualize/contemplate. Use your thoughts and imagination to awaken your mind to new possibilities and new ways to act.

3. Roleplay. May sound a bit silly, but by acting out your archetypes you are building up your neurology towards these new behaviors.

4. Integrate into your life. Can’t just spend all your time thinking, imagining, and role-playing in your room. Now it is time to incorporate these into your daily moment-to-moment existence.

Change only occurs through effort

Everyone who is involved in self-improvement is looking for that magic pill. Let me tell you what it is. Are you ready? Bring your face closer to the monitor…

If anyone could follow the law of attraction and be famous, successful, and happy…then everyone would be. But I am not going to sit here and tell you that using archetypes will change you over night. They require work and dedication to build.

The “Archetype Route” of growth and healing

All of that being said: I don’t think the “archetype route” for personal development is necessarily the best route for everyone. It depends on what you want to change.

If you only want to change a behavior – stick with habit-building techniques: 30-day experiments, classical conditioning, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and mindfulness.

But if you want to make a personality change you need to dive deeper. You need to learn how to see through the eyes of different minds.

Archetypes and role models are a great resource for that.

There was actually an old NLP technique I learned through an acquaintance (if anyone can remind me of the name of the technique it would be really helpful).

The technique went something like this: create a mental experience of an interview between you and a role model in your life (presumably some sort of expert). By asking them questions and filling in the answers (all in your mind’s eye), you would be taking part in a creative cognitive mechanism for solution-building. Theoretically, it could be used for any kind of problem-solving: business, relationships, health, or spiritual growth.

Humans are actually very good at dissociating from themselves and getting into the minds of others as an evolutionary trait (it is know as theory of mind). We love it. We do it all the time. Think about it: we even role-play every night in our dreams, and when we don’t get sleep for a long period of time we begin hallucinating.

Minds like to imagine things, and I think cognitive scientists should focus more research on imagination as a general mechanism for effective human learning. Even Einstein used a thought experiment (by imagining himself chasing after a beam of light) which aided in the development of his theory on special relativity.

There have also been some studies showing how dreams play an important role in consolidation of memories. It would be interesting to see what other cognitive benefits our imaginations may have.

Building archetypes should probably be considered an “advanced cognitive skill.” I don’t do them myself, but I know that they work and I know how they work.

However — I’m going to try and use this blog post as motivation to further explore the power of archetypes. Particularly this inner rock star idea. From a general standpoint in my life, I want to be more rebellious, explorative, spontaneous, leader-like, and just enjoy myself more. So I am going to continue to use this symbol as a tool of inspiration. I will try and meditate on it a couple times a week and see what fruits it reaps.