According to a recent poll on my sidebar, about 45% of visitors on this blog are individuals who have been diagnosed with a mental disorder. Another 19% of visitors haven’t been diagnosed but they suspect that they may have a disorder. Those are really high percentages, although I guess it makes sense since this blog is about psychology and personal development, and who better to need advice than those who may have been put into an unfair disposition.
In light of this poll, I wanted to ask myself, “What is one piece of advice I would give to those who have been diagnosed with a mental disorder?”
Then I was reminded of something I one time read on a forum for individuals with bipolar disorder (I don’t personally have bipolar disorder, I just like “getting in the trenches” and learning more about disorders by talking to people who actually have them). The person said something really thought-provoking. He didn’t understand why people say “I’m bipolar.” He found it too identifying. He mentioned how we don’t hear people with cancer say “I’m cancer,” or people with depression say “I’m depression.”
Isn’t bipolar just a condition like any other physical or mental condition? Why should those with bipolar disorder then identify themselves as “bipolar?”
I believe the truth is that even those with other mental disorders often identify with their disorder. It begins to become their whole being. It’s a thought that lingers behind everything they do; they wake up in the morning and think “This is me. I am a person with X.”
Now, of course, a mental disorder can play a large role in who we are – but I think we should always be cautious when we narrowly identify ourselves. No, you’re not just a person with bipolar disorder or ADHD or schizophrenia, you might also be a mother/father, a friend, a coworker, an artist, a movie enthusiast, etc. There are so many facets to your being besides your mental condition – don’t forget about them.
I understand that this advice may be easier said than done, but I urge you to actively expand your view of yourself. In fact, I urge anyone to actively expand how they view themselves. Our “self” is a psychophysiological entity that is in a constant state of flux. It is always taking new shapes and forms, from moment to moment, and from year to year. This blog often emphasizes this changing nature.
Those with mental disorders (or any illness) should try extra hard to expand how they perceive themselves. I strongly believe that we choose to define ourselves by creating our own meaning in life. And while I understand that many mental disorders are biologically determinant, and not exactly inside our control, how we define ourselves is very much inside our control. It’s a mental attitude, however, that takes consistent practice to cultivate. I believe that so long as you don’t fully identify with your mental disorder, there is plenty of room to improve your life.
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In Buddhist philosophy there are two central teachings to the origin of suffering. One is impermanence, the idea that everything is in a constant state of flux. The second is clinging; when we cling to conditions in a changing world, we bind ourselves to suffering.
Clinging to both “bad experiences” and “good experiences” can be a source of suffering. Because when we cling to negative feelings, we prolong their power over our thoughts and actions. Instead of letting them take their course and then letting go, we hold onto these feelings and even begin to identify with them. And when we cling to positive feelings, we also attach to them as our only source of happiness, but we simultaneously set ourselves up for suffering once those positive feelings inevitably go away.
If everything is constantly changing, then the key to living a healthy life must be embracing this change as it unfolds, rather than attaching our happiness to a certain set of conditions. When we learn how to ride out these ebbs and flow of life, we paradoxically find contentment in the present moment (because we learn to embrace whatever is as it is).
Full acceptance of the present moment also includes an acceptance of its transient nature. And full acceptance of yourself also includes an acceptance that you too are always changing. From moment-to-moment, it often feels as though we are a static entity. But when you view yourself 10-20 years in the past, or what you will be 10-20 years in the future, you’ll often find that you can change drastically from one phase of your life to the next.
I find these ideas very conducive to personal development and mental health. Actually, the whole notion that “thing’s change” has helped me overcome countless internal battles over the past few years.
But it takes practice. Mainly, daily mindfulness, and actual eye-witness of this change as it takes place in the present moment. Conceptions of our “static self” can only be de-mystified by daily meditation into the nature of our changing selves. Change is not just an esoteric concept, but an observable, empirical truth that can be discovered by anyone who watches their daily experiences on a consistent basis. One of the my favorite meditations in de-mystifying this fixed self is objectless meditation. It is a pure mindfulness practice where the observer doesn’t try to concentrate on any one object, but instead allows their awareness to expand to the full range of their experience. During such a meditation your object of focus will shift between different sensations in your body, as well as different thoughts, emotions, memories, and imaginations. A person who has developed a strong sense of mindfulness will learn how to better engage in this process of change without clinging to any singular aspect of their experience.
And the ultimate goal of your meditation is to take this awareness into your daily activities. That means embracing change in all aspects of your life: your health, your relationships, your career, your personal habits, etc. All aspects of your being are in a dynamic state of flux. And keeping this simple truth in the back of your mind at all times can do wonders.
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You can tell when someone is comfortable in their own skin. It resonates from their character and in everything that persons says and does. A person with healthy self-esteem doesn’t have to boast or show-off their talents and skills, they act with modesty because they rarely feel they have anything to prove. Their sense of gratification is mostly internal, but their external behaviors reveal a bold and confident persona, a person that is equally comfortable with both their strengths and their flaws.
I find myself often attracted to these kinds of people. Not in a sexual way, of course, but in a way that I wish to be more like them. They have an authentic sense of self-worth. They are confident in their abilities and their resilience when things get tough. They are masters of themselves, and as such there is always something new to learn from them and apply to your own life.
Recognizing your own unique value to the world, whatever that may be, can motivate you to exercise your gifts and take pride in your accomplishments. And that pride can be contagious to whoever watches you succeed.
People like people who believe in themselves. We often seek to be more self-dependent just like them, and we find ourselves inspired by the way they carry themselves.
Some of my own inspirations include entrepreneur Gary Vaynerchuck, personal development guru Steve Pavlina, writer Ayn Rand, and musician Maynard James Keenan (from the band Tool). These are just a handful of the many personalities in my life who have taken pride in their craft, and in return accomplished things that were later beloved by many. Who has influenced you in your life?
Having a mentor who exhibits this kind of self-worth can help you build strong character for yourself. When you relate to others who overcome struggles and later triumph, you can borrow that energy to help fuel your own endeavors. A recent study in social psychology showed that role models work best during times when we can relate to them. So find yourself a mentor or two, and then find the parallels between their story and yours (I personally try to find inspiration in every success story I hear).
Take this short success story involving Bruce Lee and a friend
(click here for a larger image):
In the story, we see how Bruce Lee’s confidence in himself spills over into his confidence in others. When his friend says, “If I run anymore I am liable to have a heart-attack and die,” Bruce responds, “then die.” He would rather his friend die trying to achieve his maximum potential, then live constantly selling himself short. The friend took this as a challenge and found the power to run the full 5 miles. Lee’s response motivated the friend to do something they previously thought was impossible. By the end of it, the friend walked away feeling like a better person – that’s the effect magnetic self-esteem can have on another person.
Before we can share self-esteem, we have to have it ourselves. And once we do, we can become an endless source of inspiration for others.
One of the key ideas here is that the benefits of self-esteem stretch far greater than our narrow ego – I’ve used words like “magnetic” and contagious” to help illustrate this point.
One area I’ve been trying to build self-esteem in is entrepreneurship and self-employment. You can imagine how much confidence it takes to build a product or service that others will find valuable. If you think you can’t do it, you’ll never finish it, because you’ll always feel you are inadequate or “not good enough.”
Barbara Winter touches on this very concept in her book “Making A Living Without A Job.” She stresses that self-esteem has a consequence on our actions, and that a person with high self-esteem is often more compassionate toward others. Because the esteemed person can already sufficiently take care of their own needs, they can now focus more on the needs of others. Self-esteem thus enables us to work with others more effectively (this is something important to both business and life in general):
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“While it may be intangible, self esteem is not invisible. It’s easy to spot people who have high self-esteem by their behavior. Chances are that the people you most like being with possess it in abundance. These people are frequently described as ‘gracious’ and ‘thoughtful,’ which makes them desirable as friends.
They love and care of themselves, but they are not arrogant. They have compassion for others, which rises out of their compassion for themselves. Since few of us arrive at a place of healthy self-esteem by accident or birth, these folks may be constantly aware of their own struggle to achieve it – and their ongoing effort to nurture it.
Their curiosity and interest in others lead them them to be excellent listeners, another magnetic quality. In addition, they have an elevated sense of personal responsibility; they rarely blame others for their problems or misfortunes. They may have a passionate desire to contribute to society. Whether they speak it or not, they frequently have a sense of mission in their lives that others lack. Knowing their own worth gives them a profound sense that they are here for some purpose, which, in turn, shows itself in a reverence for life.
Forward-thinking, they are aware that all past experiences in their lives have helped to mold their character. Even when their lives have seemed difficult, you’ll hear them say, “I wouldn’t change a thing.” They have a strong aura of integrity and truthfulness about them, but they are truly sensitive to the feelings of others. People with high self-esteem don’t have the need to say everything that’s on their mind. The bonus you receive for hanging out with these folks is that in their presence you feel safe and accepted just as you are. In fact, when you leave them you may find that you like yourself a bit more.”
I think Winter’s is right. People who have authentic self-esteem build stronger relationships with others. They don’t view everyone as a threat, so they are willing to help people instead of break them down. When we are confident enough in our own abilities, we are comfortable helping others build their own strengths and overcome their own weaknesses, without worrying that we are making ourselves look worse. That’s a very enchanting quality to have.
People like people who make them feel good about themselves. If being with a person inspires you to be a better person, by most accounts you will want to keep them as a worthy friend. So I think it is important to remember that self-esteem is not only something that is good for ourselves, but also something good for society at large. We should all strive to feel more comfortable in our own skin.
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More and more I am wondering how accurate the Buddhist notion of annata, or “no self,” really is in the context of Buddhist philosophy and ethics. Metaphysically, it can make sense to attribute some beings as not a part of our conventional understanding of a self; after all, the self/other dichotomy in all its forms is our most common and prevalent view of reality. However, if the notion of “no self” in Buddhist literature is supposed to act as a guide toward understanding interconnectedness between all beings, than might it make more sense to consider this new self a rich and “expansive” self, rather than an empty one? And if this “expansive self” is a more accurate description than “no self,” perhaps anatta should be appreciated more as a stepping stone to truth (or even a thought experiment), rather than an accurate explanation of reality [1].
If it is metaphysically true that no self exists, then Buddhist ethics, free will, and karma seem to evaporate. To act selflessly would be to act without a mind and without intention. Yet, Buddhists often attribute the accumulation of karma to “right understanding” and “skillful volition” [2] – neither one possible without some self to process it’s environment and consciously act on it.
If I can truly act selflessly, then who or what accumulates karma for this deed? It can’t be me, since I don’t exist – so is it someone else? What if we had a Buddhist utopia and everyone acted selflessly – would any of us be conscious at all, or just cogs in a machine? In what other form can selflessness take besides self-annihilation – a rejection of consciousness itself – which, taken to its logical extreme, sounds principally anti-Buddhist.
Buddha never specified whether or not a self does or doesn’t exist. He refused to answer the question, presumably because it gave power to the self/other dichotomy, which he consider illusory and the source of all suffering.
I admit by contemplating these things I am to some degree falling for this dichotomy myself, but I thought this was worth philosophizing about; I so often see people preach “no self” as the ultimate ideal, end-goal, or enlightenment of Buddhist practice, yet I find it to be misleading, nihilistic, and potentially self-destructive. At best “selflessness” is a concept that serves as a means to a goal – a technique, a strategy, a stage, or a stepping stone – not an end to be achieved. I think the idea of “selfless” is intended to break apart our conventional understandings of a self, not to be a claim of something that is true.
The problem with the self is that we often think of it too narrowly. It becomes a prison, instead of something expansive, creative, and resourceful. Helping others should be viewed first and foremost as not something self-less but something self-evolving. In this light, Buddhist morality – the drive to be compassionate and kind to others – becomes strengthened rather than diminished. Interconnectedness is the nature of the self, not selflessness.
Sources
[1] “Not self” as a strategy in Thanissaro Bhikkhu’s “No self or Not-self”
[2] The Theory of Karma by Ven. Mahasi Sayadaw
How does our spiritual identity affect our actions and how we shape our world?
Modus Operandi
When I think of the “spirit” of something I think of its modus operandi; what is its “method of operating?” What makes it function? What drives it to work?
When I think of the spirit of a human being, I ask myself, “What does that being live for?” What makes him or her get up every morning? What makes his or her life worth living? What source of energy does that person draw upon to do what they do?
Unspoken Values
Evolution and biology can describe the reasons behind a lot of basic instincts and behavior, but they don’t answer a whole lot about the values we hold implicitly through our traditions, customs, culture, and art.
We all go through rituals that define our existence. It could be watching TV, going to church, reading books, meditating, playing sports, doing your job, eating, videogames, working out at the gym, writing, taking care of your kids… you get the point – if you do it periodically then it is a ritual – and these habits implicitly tell us what we value out of life.
But how often do you ask yourself, “Why do I do the things I do?”
It can seem like a stupid question because we take these things for granted. Maybe you do them because you have always done them and that is just who you are. I hear people give me that response a lot, but that is circular reasoning; saying those things only reinforces who we are, even if that modus operandi isn’t doing ourselves much justice.
Backbone = Identity
I wouldn’t say that our actions define ourselves (although that might be a behaviorist approach to identity), but I do think how we define ourselves plays a significant role in our actions.
Buddism and many Eastern philosophies put a strong emphasis on the “nature of self” as a spiritual guide. They also recognize that how we think of our self determines certain values we hold about our world. For example, many schools of Buddhism recognize a non-dualistic nature between self/other (that we are all interconnected and no one is separate), thus compassion and loving-kindness become logical moral values to hold in our relationships with friends, family, neighbors, coworkers other acquaintances, and nature itself.
Some of the big questions regarding anybody’s life are,
- “How do I fit into the world at large?”
- “What purpose do I serve in life?”
- “How can I improve conditions for myself and others?”
Only you can answer these questions with your own reason and experience, but let it be known that your answers have a profound impact on how you live your life. Thus, I would argue these questions are worth contemplating through daily introspection, meditation, or prayer.
Getting Off The Soapbox For A Moment
Before I conclude this post let me just clear up a few things that often get misunderstood when I write about spirituality. I do not intend to change anyone’s values or how they live their life. What I am suggesting is that we take the time to question why we live the way we do. It is a deep question, directed towards you, but not one that I can provide the answers for.
I think when we try to make a change or improvement in our lives we often take the most basic questions for granted. But often those fundamental questions are the catalysts for the biggest improvements one can make in their life.
I write in order to get people thinking and re-evaluating that world which we take for granted. I want to bring into light implicit assumptions and beliefs, and get individuals to think critically about these ideas they have grown up with all their life. Through doing this individuals can grow a stronger backbone, become more dedicated to what they actually love to do, and drop actions which have become “no good” habits of familiarity that we have wrongly identified to.
But – because we are all diverse individuals with separate interests and talents – it is up to each from their own individual perspective to decide what is right and wrong for them. There is no objective good for everyone; our traditions, culture, art, and tastes (our “pursuit of happiness”) should be particular to our personality. We should not take anything as given just because we have grown up with it or some higher authority has “bestowed” it upon us. Even the values I hold implicitly in my writings should be doubted and questioned.
A Healthy Backbone Builds New Elements, Gets Rid Of Old
A spiritual backbone gives you a center to stand on but it is not necessarily fixed in one place. Just like your spine is built of various bone elements, your spiritual spine too is mobile and multi-faceted. The only thing different is your spiritual spine never stops growing and evolving in new ways (whether you are conscious of it or not).
Your relationship with the world is never fixed, it is always changing; new aspects are constantly arising and fading into the ever-expanding shape of time. From a day-to-day basis things may seem to be moving slow, but when you reflect on months or years they can seem like eternities apart. The world is actually a really exciting and dynamic place if we keep our eyes open to it. Not many things remain the same over extended periods of time. Isn’t that what evolution is all about?
The only thing worse than not having a spiritual backbone at all is having a concrete one, which refuses to change in the face of new evidence and experience. Extreme fundamentalists from all religions share this illness, like when biblical literalism takes precedence over scientifically-gathered facts.
Man is not omniscient nor infallible, that is why God forgives and, most importantly, why we should forgive ourselves. All actions and creations of men, including the Bible, are not perfect. This is why spirituality in all of its form is a never-ending process and not a goal-seeking one.
Living In Congruence
When our unspoken values become spoken we are more conscious of the driving forces in our world. Now we know why we get up every morning and we are proud to live out our lives in congruences with those values.
This requires a higher level of consciousness. No longer is our modus operandi like a puppet on strings, but now we are the puppet masters. We understand the reason behind our rituals; we don’t just live them out obediently but with a sense of joy, flow, and engagement. There is purpose behind every action. We embody what we believe and we act in accordance. As Gandhi once said, we “Become the change we wish to see in the world.” Within that cycle, within every action, we are constantly being born and re-born into a different world.
So don’t stay static, never be afraid to re-align your spiritual backbone, and keep living the life you want to live (as you see fit). The world depends on your moral courage and aptitude.