So often I hear people say the phrase “This is just who I am.” I have to admit I have a love-hate relationship with this idea. On one end of the spectrum, it is an act of acceptance, which can be incredibly useful for acknowledging those aspects of our life that we have no direct control over.
Say you have a chronic illness that there is no known cure for, it is important to acknowledge such conditions without having unrealistic expectations, which can often only lead to more unnecessary suffering.
At the same time, recognizing the limitations we have to deal with doesn’t mean we need to identify with these limitations completely. I was recently browsing a forum for individuals with bipolar disorder and someone commented on how they hate people who say “I’m bipolar,” because it’s too identifying (“I am bipolar.”) He felt that it would be more accurate to say, “I’m a human being with bipolar.” It is important to be cautious not to let one attribute of our lives define our whole being. Remember, if you have life-long condition like bipolar disorder, you aren’t just “bipolar,” you are also a human being, a friend, a husband, a painter, or whatever.
On the other hand, many of us who say “this is just who I am” don’t say so because we have some intrinsic condition. We only say so because we have a poor track record with certain habits or patterns. When something seems to be happening again and again to us, it can often feel as if it is an intrinsic part of our existence, even if it isn’t.
The truth is we are always changing. When I look back on my life, I am not the same person today as I was 10 years ago. Furthermore, I doubt I will be the same person 10 years in the future as I am today.
It’s misleading to say “this is just who I am” after I recognize that my life is multidimensional and in a constant state of flux.
As the philosopher Heraclitus once said “You can never step into the same river twice.” And the same is true for our experience. We can never duplicate an experience, because conditions are always changing and we are always adapting in new ways.
I personally find this belief empowering. Because once we acknowledge the idea that change is an intrinsic aspect of existence itself, we are in a much better position to influence that change in positive and effective ways. The same cannot be said if we only identify to a static state of conditions.
So my big point here is to be more mindful when you think or say things like “this is just who I am,” as many times it can be a very limiting belief. Instead, embrace self growth and change. Look at the evidence of change that has already occurred in your life, and use that as a motivation to propel future personal development.
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April 4th, 2011
Well, good old Jean-Paul Sartre kept saying the same thing as you. I studied Sartre quite hard (to write my BA thesis) at uni.
In Being and Nothingness he expounds in depth with many examples that our identity is never a fixed thing or single thing. We exist first, then we decide whatever we want to be; we bestow on ourselves our own significance. Also we are free from our own old ideas. Often people define themselves too rigidly and trap themselves within narrow confines of their own creation. No need to be a slave of our own old dogma. Our existence is essentially free from other people's and even our own ideas.
We all have various problems which are outside our control. The focus then should be: 'What can I do, DESPITE that?' … I'm writing this to remind myself as well.
Thank you Steven!
April 4th, 2011
Whenever I rant about the nature of "self" to my philosophy friends they always say I should read Sartre. I'll get around to it eventually. At this point, my views are mostly influenced by eastern philosophy.
Thanks for the awesome comment chieko.
April 4th, 2011
Our identity goes well beyond our intentionality I think. Sartre's extraordinary individualism is a big problem. It may explain why he flipped to support a collectivist ideology later in his life. So his account of emotion is just awful in my view.
I do think we define ourselves too rigidly. But just declaring ourselves free won't achieve this. It means an embrace or our past. I think Sartre is a dead end.
April 5th, 2011
Hi Evan! Well I don't particularly think Sartre himself is (was) great, and I'm well aware that he did some silly thing with communists.
But you see, I believe that the idea Sartre depicted / envisaged in Nausea and Being and Nothingness or No Exit is great, regardless of who suggested it.
I separate ideas from their progenitors. I admire Mozart's music very much but not what I read about Mozart himself. The same applies for many philosophers and artists throughout centuries across the world.
We are all human beings with various faults and shortcomings, weaknesses and temporary brain-fogs, we should never worship or trust a certain philosopher or artist 100%. I never do. But I wholeheartedly support a particular view or notion that is in sync with my own.
In some ways, Sartre's flaws are in themselves existential. He certainly transformed tremendously in his life. Also we can't judge a man by just one aspect of his life.
Still, I'm a great supporter of Existentialism, which has evolved from Sartre years, and will continue to do so by its definition.
May 22nd, 2011
"…slave to our own old dogma"
I've made THAT mistake before! Ooof. That was a hard one to figure out. I kept blaming life, when it was just me.
“You can never step into the same river twice.”
Brilliant. Tried. Failed. Learned.
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April 4th, 2011
I agree that saying 'it is just who I am' can be very limiting.
As I look back I do see concerns that have stayed with as long as I remember. Do you think this could be acceptance or do you think it must be wrong because I have changed completely?
April 4th, 2011
"This is just who I am" is accepting of oneself, but, as you say, it should not be used as an excuse or to portray oneself as a victim of random circumstance. With neuroplasticity, everyone has the power and is responsible for creating just who they are. Yes, we must accept and be compassionate with ourselves, but we must also consciously choose who we are at some point.
BTW- 10 years ago you were like all of 15, I bet. How'd you get so wise at such a young age?
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April 5th, 2011
Hey Debbie, it's not yet clear how much neuroplasticity can change our brains, but it definitely seems we have more potential than we think we do.
>"BTW- 10 years ago you were like all of 15, I bet. How'd you get so wise at such a young age?
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Neuroplasticity.
August 2nd, 2011
Being able to identify characteristics and personality flaws is great because then you're aware. And if you're unhappy then change it! It's totally possible.