So often I hear people say the phrase “This is just who I am.” I have to admit I have a love-hate relationship with this idea. On one end of the spectrum, it is an act of acceptance, which can be incredibly useful for acknowledging those aspects of our life that we have no direct control over.
Say you have a chronic illness that there is no known cure for, it is important to acknowledge such conditions without having unrealistic expectations, which can often only lead to more unnecessary suffering.
At the same time, recognizing the limitations we have to deal with doesn’t mean we need to identify with these limitations completely. I was recently browsing a forum for individuals with bipolar disorder and someone commented on how they hate people who say “I’m bipolar,” because it’s too identifying (“I am bipolar.”) He felt that it would be more accurate to say, “I’m a human being with bipolar.” It is important to be cautious not to let one attribute of our lives define our whole being. Remember, if you have life-long condition like bipolar disorder, you aren’t just “bipolar,” you are also a human being, a friend, a husband, a painter, or whatever.
On the other hand, many of us who say “this is just who I am” don’t say so because we have some intrinsic condition. We only say so because we have a poor track record with certain habits or patterns. When something seems to be happening again and again to us, it can often feel as if it is an intrinsic part of our existence, even if it isn’t.
The truth is we are always changing. When I look back on my life, I am not the same person today as I was 10 years ago. Furthermore, I doubt I will be the same person 10 years in the future as I am today.
It’s misleading to say “this is just who I am” after I recognize that my life is multidimensional and in a constant state of flux.
As the philosopher Heraclitus once said “You can never step into the same river twice.” And the same is true for our experience. We can never duplicate an experience, because conditions are always changing and we are always adapting in new ways.
I personally find this belief empowering. Because once we acknowledge the idea that change is an intrinsic aspect of existence itself, we are in a much better position to influence that change in positive and effective ways. The same cannot be said if we only identify to a static state of conditions.
So my big point here is to be more mindful when you think or say things like “this is just who I am,” as many times it can be a very limiting belief. Instead, embrace self growth and change. Look at the evidence of change that has already occurred in your life, and use that as a motivation to propel future personal development.
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