While we can be our own worst critics, most people appreciate it when people are authentic and when they reveal something that makes them feel vulnerable.
When we have the choice, we don’t often like to show our imperfections, flaws, or weaknesses to others.
In our minds, we figure that if someone sees something that we perceive as bad, then they will judge us more harshly for it and won’t like us. This creates the fear that we should hide ourselves when around others, especially when it comes to things that make us feel vulnerable.
However, according to a new study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, being vulnerable isn’t necessarily a bad thing. And many people actually see you in a more positive light when you become more vulnerable.
In several different experiments, researchers had people imagine themselves or someone else revealing something that made them feel vulnerable, such as confessing romantic feelings, admitting they made a mistake, asking someone for help, apologizing first, or revealing something about their body they didn’t like.
Across all studies, it was discovered that people often saw revealing their own vulnerabilities as a sign of weakness, but other people revealing their vulnerabilities as a sign of courage.
We often underestimate how positively others will perceive us when we show our flaws, imperfections, and vulnerabilities. While we can be our own worst critics, most people actually appreciate it when people are authentic and reveal something about themselves that makes them feel vulnerable.
Psychologists are calling this “the beautiful mess effect.”
Our vulnerabilities show that we are human and that we are comfortable admitting that we aren’t perfect. Most people find that to be more charming and likable than someone who pretends they are the best at everything and can never do wrong.
Even simple things like blushing when you make a mistake in front of a group of people, or trying to sing karaoke even though you’re terrible at it, can make us feel vulnerable but at the same time are often seen by others as a positive trait. In fact, one interesting study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology back in 2011 discovered that individuals who are easily embarrassed are often seen as more trustworthy.
And another study published earlier this year found that people who are more prone to feeling guilty after they imagine themselves doing something unethical were also shown to be more trustworthy and cooperative with others. I’ve written a lot in the past about how we can often learn from guilt to improve our future behavior in relationships.
Emotions like shame, guilt, and embarrassment are all social emotions that show we care about what others think of us. These emotions are a big part of what shapes our society and keeps people kind, ethical, and cooperative with others. So while these emotions can become destructive in high doses, the right amount is actually super important for building strong relationships and being an all-around good person.
We mustn’t be afraid of showing our true self to others. While it can be temporarily painful to feel these negative emotions, and to reveal vulnerable things about ourselves, these are a big part of who we are – and we should learn to accept them and embrace them.
This is why I often say that it’s worth it to pay the costs of being yourself. Despite the short-term pain and discomfort of being judged by others, it leads to much bigger rewards in the long-term.
Think about it: It’s better that people fall in love with who you really are than a person who is pretending to be someone else. If you are never true to yourself then you never know if people really like you or not. So be honest and authentic!
And when you are true to yourself and people don’t like you, that’s completely fine too. You don’t need to get everyone to like you, just chalk it up as being incompatible with them. At least you know you gave it your best shot and you were true to yourself.
The truth is we are all a “beautiful mess” in one way or another. We all have a past, we all have flaws, and we are all a little rough around the edges. This is nothing to be ashamed about it. When we show this “beautiful mess” to others, people appreciate it and enjoy it because they can connect with it and relate to it.
When you are comfortable with your flaws and imperfections, that gives other people permission to be comfortable with their flaws and imperfections as well. And that can be a powerful thing that helps us build a stronger connection with everyone.
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