Every time we leave our homes, there is opportunity for brief social interaction. Here’s how to create more “10 second relationships” in everyday life.
We have more opportunities to socialize than we often realize. A few words with the cashier, a greeting to a neighbor, or a compliment to someone on the bus can create a brief moment of connection.
I think of these as “10 second relationships.” They may never develop into anything more, but that doesn’t make them pointless.
A 2014 study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science examined whether small talk during an everyday transaction could improve mood and feelings of belonging. The experiment focused on interactions between customers and a coffee shop barista.
Typically, we treat our interactions with cashiers, baristas, and other service providers as purely economic exchanges. You give your money, you get your stuff, then you leave…no need for any chit-chat.
Participants who smiled, made eye contact, and had a brief conversation with the barista reported more positive emotions and a greater sense of belonging than those instructed to keep the transaction as efficient as possible.
Another interesting study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General found that commuters on trains and buses reported a more positive experience when instructed to talk with a stranger than when instructed to remain disconnected.
Yet when asked to predict these experiences, people expected the opposite: they thought keeping to themselves would be more enjoyable.
Researchers found that people underestimated strangers’ interest in talking with them. This fits with the liking gap, our tendency to underestimate how much people like us after a conversation. We may avoid an interaction because we assume the other person won’t welcome it.
We often underestimate the value of even the smallest social connections.
Too often we walk through the world with our heads down, barely noticing the people we pass. We’re surrounded by people, yet we feel alone and disconnected.
You don’t even need to say a single word to connect with someone – sometimes just a smile, a wave, or a nod of the head is enough to tell someone, “I see you and I acknowledge your existence.”
And that can feel good for both the giver and the receiver.
Creating “10 Second Relationships” In Your Daily Life
There’s nothing wrong with starting a brief interaction with someone you don’t know, as long as you’re respectful. When I used to walk my dog every morning, I made a point of saying “Hi” or “Good morning” to everyone I crossed paths with.
It doesn’t matter who you are. Young or old. Rich or poor. Attractive or ugly. When it comes to my “10 second relationships,” everyone is the same. There’s no need for social comparison. The goal is simple human connection.
There are no ulterior motives. You’re not trying to flirt with someone, ask for money, or make a new friend. You’re just saying “Hi” because they are another human being like you.
When you get used to greeting people without needing anything from them, starting a conversation becomes more natural to you.
Here are simple ways to create these brief connections:
- Smile, wave, or say “Hi.”
- Ask, “Hey, how are you today?”
- Hold the door for someone.
- Say “please” and “thank you” sincerely.
- Give a genuine compliment, such as “I really like your hair” or “Nice shirt! I love that band.”
- Make an observation about your surroundings, such as “I can’t believe it’s snowing in July!”
- Share a funny joke you heard recently.
- Start a conversation while waiting at a bus stop, train station, or doctor’s office.
- Ask for someone’s opinion about something. People love sharing their thoughts.
- Text an old friend or family member you haven’t spoken to in a while.
- Do a quick favor, such as helping someone carry their groceries.
- Leave a positive comment on a message board or online forum.
These may seem like simple polite behaviors, but done sincerely, they create small moments of connection.
A “10 second relationship” could turn into something more, but it doesn’t have to. You don’t need to make anything happen beyond the interaction itself. You’re just being social for the sake of socializing.
Of course, some people will respond with a negative attitude or not respond at all. I’ve experienced that many times, and it can still sting a little. An unanswered greeting doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve been rejected. If you’ve been friendly and respectful, you can feel good about making the effort and leave it there.
I try to remind myself that people are like the weather: we can’t always predict how they’ll respond. Perhaps someone is having a bad day or didn’t get enough sleep the night before. Don’t take it personally.
“10 second relationships” are a simple way to exercise your social muscles while bringing a little more friendliness and connection into everyday life.