In this article I identify 3 of the most common forms of anxiety (including social anxiety, performance anxiety, and choice anxiety), as well as 5 of the most common causes of anxiety (including genes, health, psychology, history, and environment).
Anxiety disorders affect between 13-18% of the general population, but the truth is we all experience different forms of anxiety throughout our lives. An anxious mental state is often defined by feelings of fear, worry, uneasiness, or dread. It is often future-oriented, meaning that our anxieties are directed toward possible threats or negative experiences that haven’t yet happened.
In the real world, most of us experience anxiety in varying degrees depending on the situation. It isn’t always a bad thing, as some anxiety can motivate us to re-plan or re-think a situation before acting. However, excessive anxiety can be crippling to a point where we can’t decide, we don’t take action, or we mess up when the event finally comes.
Different Forms of Anxiety.
Anxiety can come in many different forms depending on what it is that triggers our feelings of fear, worry, or dread. These three types of anxiety are often the most common types discussed in modern psychology research, but there are probably other types of anxiety that don’t fit so neatly in these categories (specific phobias, existential anxiety, death anxiety, etc.) Nevertheless, these are the types of anxiety I will be referring to in this post:
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Social Anxiety
Social anxiety is a fear or worry about social situations. We may feel uncomfortable or avoid environments that involve large groups of people (like school, work, public speeches, high school reunions, etc.) or we may even feel uncomfortable or avoid certain kinds of 1-to-1 interactions (like job interviews, dating, interacting with a stranger for the first time, or meeting a celebrity).
Most people feel some kind of anxiety in these situations but it varies greatly from person to person. Some people may feel more comfortable in groups, while others feel more comfortable during 1-to-1 interactions. Some people may feel more comfortable talking to familiar faces, while others feel more comfortable meeting someone for the first time. It really depends on the environment and the person.
For more on social anxiety, and how to overcome it, check out Sean Cooper’s The Shyness and Social Anxiety System.
Performance Anxiety
Unlike social anxiety, performance anxiety is a fear or worry about performances, such as a student taking a final exam at school, or a musician performing on stage, or an athlete playing at a big sports game. We worry that we won’t do our best, or that we will mess up or lose, and that anxiety can actually inhibit us from performing to our maximum capacity (or even performing at all, for example due to too much “stage fright”).
Instead of focusing on what we need to get done to succeed, we become more focused on all the ways things that may go wrong. This can sometimes become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Our thoughts make us more uncomfortable and ill prepared, and then those thoughts lead to actions that reinforce our previous conceptions.
Choice Anxiety
Choice anxiety is an anxiety rooted in uncertainty when making decisions. The truth is that none of us can act or make a decision with full knowledge of what the consequences will be; the universe is just too complex, and our minds aren’t capable of completely understanding it. Due to this, we often feel anxiety when making a big decision in our life, because we don’t know if we will make the best possible choice.
Some common big decisions we need to make throughout our lives include: what college to go to, what career to pursue, who to date/marry, where to live, what kind of car to drive, etc.
We make decisions everyday and we have to face the “opportunity costs” from choosing one option over another. Some research suggests that the more options we have to choose from, the more difficult it is to make a decision. They claim that having more options leads to a higher “opportunity cost” (theoretically: the more we have to choose from, the more we miss out on), and when this opportunity cost becomes too big we can often suffer from paralysis by analysis. Paralysis by analysis inhibits us from making ANY decision because we are so lost on what the right course of action is.
I’m sure that you’ve experienced these kinds of anxieties through your life to varying degrees. That’s good. A lot of our anxiety can be healthy and natural. However, when it starts interfering with how we want to live our lives, then it can become a problem that we need to deal with. The first step toward dealing with this problem is identifying some of the potential causes of our anxiety, then we can determine what are the best ways to treat it.
The Most Common Causes of Anxiety
There are a lot of factors that can contribute to our anxiety (and our mental health more generally). In this section, I am going to discuss some of the most common causes of anxiety, and also some potential treatment options for each one. However, it’s important to remember that because our anxiety can be due to such a wide array of different variables, it is often better to integrate several treatment options simultaneously.
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Genes
Certain gene variants may be associated with greater levels of anxiety. We all have a different biological make-up, and sometimes individuals may experience increased levels of anxiety for no other reason but that it is embedded in their genetic code. These genes essentially cause chemical imbalances in the brain that leader to your anxiety.
Treatment options: If your anxiety is driven by your biology it may be possible to get prescribed medication from a professional psychiatrist. Beware, however, that many of these medications can have negative side effects (you may go through several different medications before finding one that works best – a good psychiatrist will help you through this process). Also beware that if your anxiety is caused by other factors than medication will only serve as a quick fix, but it won’t solve the deeper issues in your life. You may need to supplement your medication with other treatments.
Health
Anxiety can also be caused due to physical inactivity and poor diet. When we don’t treat our bodies right then that can often have an effect on our mental states.
If we don’t eat balanced meals and get all the nutrition we need, that often means our brains aren’t getting enough nutrition either. This inhibits our brains from functionally as efficiently as they could be, which could very well become a contributor to higher levels of anxiety.
Physical activity is also crucial to both our physical and mental health. Running, playing sports, going to the gym, dancing, and anything that provides exercise is a great way to relieve stress and anxiety that may build up throughout the days or weeks. It’s important that we have a way to channel hormones (like adrenaline and cortisol) in positive and healthy ways, otherwise they manifest themselves as stress and anxiety.
Treatment options: If you don’t already take good care of your body, you’d probably be surprised of just how much less stressed and anxious you’d be if you started taking better care of your health. Try doing little things like replacing soda with water, eating less cake, going for a jog several times a week, or being more mindful of what you eat, and you’ll begin to feel better both physically and mentally.
Psychology (our thoughts and beliefs)
Many psychologists believe that our thoughts and beliefs are some of the biggest contributors to our mood and anxiety. When we look at our lives from a certain perspective or worldview, we may become more anxious than if we reframed our perspective to something different and more productive. One simple example: If you go into a date or a job interview believing that “I’m not good enough,” then you set yourself up to have an anxiety-driven experience. However, if you reframed your perspective, and instead you saw yourself coming from a place of strength or value, then you would probably be less likely to be as anxious.
Treatment options: It’s important to be mindful of the thoughts and beliefs that drive our mood and behavior. If we discover that our thoughts inhibit us from acting appropriately, then it may be appropriate to adjust those beliefs or replace them with something new. For more on this approach you can check out “Social Anxiety and CBT.”
For more on how to use psychology and Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy to overcome anxiety, check out Sean Cooper’s The Shyness and Social Anxiety System.
History
Our personal history and past experiences can also lead to more anxiety in the future. If we have a poor track record of job interviews or dates, then we may think we are inherently incapable of succeeding in these domains of life.
Early psychologists theorized that our self-esteem could be calculated by taking our successes and subtracting them with our failures. The more we succeed, the greater our self-esteem. While this theory definitely doesn’t depict the full picture of self-esteem, it does provide insight into one factor that can influence our self-perception.
Treatment options: It’s important to not let past failures dictate our self-esteem or anxiety about a situation, but when we start accumulating successes it can often become easier to keep ourselves motivated to overcome obstacles in the future. Keep this in mind, reflect on success for inspiration, and you can begin to turn your history around.
Environment
It is also likely that our anxiety is caused by a novel or unfamiliar environment. Anxiety can often be a rational response to an unknown environment because we never quite know what will happen or what risks or at stake. Our anxiety therefore signals to us that we are in danger, and often times this can rightfully inhibit us from taking part in behavior that we may sense as too risky.
Of course, there are also some environments that we may fear irrationally. We may understand that it is a lot safer to take a plane than drive a car, but our anxiety remains persistent despite understanding the risks at stake.
Treatment options: One way to treat these irrational anxieties is through something known as exposure therapy. Basically, we gradually expose ourselves to these environments until we become more and more comfortable with them. This kind of therapy largely makes up the “behavioral” component in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. I also elaborate on this more in “Social Anxiety and CBT.”
These are some of the most common causes of anxiety that I know of, although I’m sure there may be other causes that don’t necessarily fit in any of these categories. As you can also probably tell by now, there is a good chance that your anxiety is a combination of one or more of these factors. What makes you “you” – and what determines your thoughts and mood – is a very complex and interconnected process. But hopefully by reading through some of these causes you now have a greater understanding of what may be the driving forces behind your anxiety.
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When we focus on what we have already accomplished throughout our lives, it often becomes easier to continue making progress. Our past experiences become a motivational tool. And once we get a taste of success, we develop an appetite for more.
If there is one thing I’ve learned since studying and practicing personal development, it’s that no matter where you are on this path, it is filled with many success and failures. Growth is rarely a linear process. Instead, it’s dynamic. Sometimes you’re going to see your efforts crumble right in front of your eyes, and other times you’ll see your efforts come to full fruition. Often the better you manage your failures and hold onto your successes, the more motivated you will be to continue further with your endeavors.
For example, one aspect of my life I’ve been trying to improve on is exercising more often. I haven’t become a health nut yet, but I’m starting to see improvement – and it’s motivating me to keep going. In fact, there’s been a couple times over the past month where people have commented on my “more fit” physique. I know I still have a lot more room for improvement, but it’s inspiring to get that kind of external validation because now I know that I’m doing something right.
Another thing I’ve been trying to work on more is making a viable income from The Emotion Machine. I really enjoy writing about these kinds of topics and it’s been my goal over the past two years to try and turn this into a way of making a living. For two years I wrote new content several times a week and experienced very minimal success when it came to making money; I experimented with advertising, affiliate marketing, and even trying to offer my own services, but nothing “clicked” right away. Instead there’s been a lot of trial-and-error involved, and the good news is that I’m finally beginning to see some success – and that too is motivating. I’m not making a living yet (I’m only 22 and still living with my parents), but now I at least have some money to splurge on some new clothes and music equipment. I haven’t had spending money in awhile, so it’s nice to finally look into my bank account and see something there.
Both of these “success stories” aren’t anything spectacular, but I recognize them as part of something that will continue to grow – and there is a power to that perspective.
Before I had any success with health or business, my attitude was much different. I was coming from a place of desperation. Sure, I liked exercising and working on this blog, but a part of me was dependent on seeing immediate results. I fell for the myth of overnight success, and when I wasn’t getting results right away I quickly got frustrated and started doubting myself. Luckily I remained faithful and persistent during these dark times and now I’m beginning to see it finally pay off.
And now that I’m seeing results in these domains of my life, I feel a weight beginning to lift from my shoulders. My desperation has turned into inspiration. Now I know that I can overcome obstacles. Now I know I can experience success if I really work at something. And now I also have some positive history to draw confidence from and continue to build off of.
“The reason people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go instead of how far they have gotten.”
Anonymous
I believe this quote really hits the crux of the message I want to send out right now. Once you begin making progress in your life you should cherish it, no matter how small or minor you think that progress is. Because reaching big goals is really nothing more than reaching a bunch of small goals over and over again. And when we recognize the value of reaching these small goals, we can motivate ourselves to accomplish some tremendous things in the long haul.
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- Why your past attempts at social anxiety have failed.
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- The seemingly harmless action your parents or relatives did that reinforced your anxiety at a young age.
- How to use the secrets of psychological conditioning to manage your anxiety.
- How the “Power Of Expectations” keeps you shy or socially anxious.
- An enlightened guru’s forgotten mind-trick that gives you the stone-cold, unshakeable confidence of self-made millionaires and natural-born leaders.
- How to patch up the holes in your self-esteem FOR GOOD.
- A 2-step exercise to identify exactly how you are letting people control your actions.
- How you should act to make people value and respect you.
- An ancient Buddhist technique for becoming absolutely calm and in control.
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- And much more…
Click here to find out more about The Shyness & Social Anxiety System.
At a very early age in our development, many of us are expected to go into educational institutions that prepare us for the real world. In theory, we should prepare young individuals with the life skills they will need to be successful as they reach adulthood. Subjects like science, math, English, and history can be seen as fundamental components to a well-rounded individual – and crucial for social progress into the future.
An adult that doesn’t understand basic math or English will likely suffer due to their lack of knowledge. They will have a hard time adapting to a world that expects you to be able to keep track of your own finances, or write an e-mail to a family member, friend, employer, or politician.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that the educational institutions we have now are the only (let alone the most desirable) way to teach children these fundamental skills. In fact, our educational system today seems to come with many drawbacks and unhealthy assumptions regarding how to properly educate children.
I’ve been critical of today’s schools ever since I’ve been a part of them. It’s not because I’m bitter for getting poor grades (actually, I was mostly a straight A student who took a college semester’s work of AP classes before I ever graduated high school). I was technically “smart,” in the sense that I knew how to perform well on tests, but that’s not all there is to a good education.
I also don’t think that my dislike of school is due to my specific circumstances. Meaning, I just happened to be put into a bad school. From what I gather, New York has some of the best public schooling in the country, and my particular high school happened to be one of the “better” ones in Nassau County. By all measures, my peers and I were quite “privileged” to attend the schools that we did. Yet, the system still seemed ridden with problems and short-comings that I believe have led to some long-term struggles for me. I imagine these problems are equally represented in other schools around the country (or even around the world).
While I could probably write a book elaborating on some of these things that I believe ruin our current schooling system, I’m going to narrow my focus to 5 main points that I think are fairly universal among most schools. Some of these will likely resonate with your own experiences. Others may not.
1. Grades are more important than knowledge.
This is one of the most common critiques I see regarding schools, and rightfully so. There is a world of difference between knowing how to regurgitate facts on a multiple choice or “fill-in-the-blank” test compared to actually understanding the material you are learning. In school, we are taught that an “A” is the highest level of achievement. And so long as you know how to memorize the right things and take a test, then you are presumably “intelligent.”
Why it doesn’t work: When we teach our students how to be more focused on grades, rather than the love for knowledge, we set ourselves up for an intellectually lazy generation. One that is content on mediocrity and “getting by,” rather than developing a true sense of wonder and curiosity.
2. The key to success is obedience and conformity.
As I mentioned in the introduction, I was a very good student on paper. Teaches usually liked me because I didn’t cause a ruckus, I didn’t question what they said, and I was very obedient and complacent to what they demanded from me. Even when we were told to write persuasive essays, I usually argued in favor of something that I knew the teacher would approve of (even though in my head I wanted to rebel against these social norms). My few experiences trying to deviate from what was expected usually back-fired on my report cards. I remember one time writing an essay about why video games were good for children, I remember my grade being significantly deflated compared to the times where I argued in accordance to my teacher’s values.
These troubles were especially prevalent throughout my history classes (which were by far my least favorite subjects). As a social science, you cannot teach history without presenting the information from some kind of point-of-view. The best history teachers are the one’s who try to cover issues from a variety of different perspectives, but often times your history teacher is personally biased to present information in a certain way. Critical thinking often becomes diminished for the sake of being a “good student.” To add to the fire, these classes are usually our first taste of politics, so we become molded into a certain way of thinking before ever having the ability to form our own beliefs.
Why it doesn’t work: Often we aren’t just learning English or history – we are implicitly being taught how to conform to the teacher’s worldview, beliefs, values, and personal philosophy. Parents may think they are sending students to school to learn fundamental and universal skills, but often children walk out with a cleverly molded view of reality. (This of course is also true in parenting and other early experiences throughout a child’s life, but the point still stands strong, and schooling is one of the biggest culprits).
3. Procrastinate ’till the last minute and you’ll be OK.
So many people I know bullshitted their way through school. They learned all the tricks on how to perform well on homework and tests without ever really putting in any planning or effort. For example, in English class, I used spark notes the night before I had to write an essay way more than I ever read the books we were supposed to read. And grade-wise, I did just fine. For most tests, I could usually cram some memorization in the night of and pass with flying colors. By the time the test was over, I forgot everything I “learned,” and got prepared to bullshit for the next chapter.
Maybe I was smart, maybe the classes were just too easy. That’s one problem you’re going to have when you try to standardize the curriculum to fit hundreds of individual’s varying needs. For me? I rarely felt challenged. I left school thinking I could cut-corners everywhere (and I still face the consequences of this mindset today).
Why it doesn’t work: Now that I’m in the real world, I know that the success I want to accomplish is going to take deliberate planning and hard work. I never learned these lessons in school – I’m trying to learn them now.
4. Your individual interests are largely irrelevant.
In this great interview, John Taylor Gatto describes the origins of our current school system. He claims today’s system is largely modeled after the Prussian educational system in the mid-1800s. In the U.S., the Prussian system was advocated and financed by industrial power giants like John D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, and JP Morgan. They viewed individuals in a population as essentially cogs in a wheel; individuals were described as “raw materials” that needed to be “processed” in order to fit the demands of the current economy.
Instead of supporting students to pursue their individual talents and skills, their potential was largely ignored or thwarted, and instead the demands of society as a “whole” (mainly decided on by a select few social engineers – industrialists and politicians) became of primary importance. In essence, the education system was designed to manipulate and control populations on a massive scale. I would argue much of this still holds true today.
Why it doesn’t work: At the very least, the current education system diminishes our potential to evolve and grow, both as individuals and as a society. As individuals – our talents, skills, interests and values are placed as secondary importance. As a society – we lose out on a lot of creative and innovative thinking that could otherwise improve social progress. See this classic TED lecture by Sir Ken Robinson on how schools kill creativity.
5. Social hierarchies are rigid and hard to break.
One aspect of education that isn’t exactly related to class work is the social hierarchy that is often reinforced behind school walls. Of course, every child has certain social inclinations. Some may prefer large groups of peers, while others may prefer to hang out with smaller groups. The problem with schools is that there isn’t much breathing room to accommodate different student’s social preferences. Most students are usually mandated to be in a classroom with 25-30 students everyday of the week for 6-7 hours (this is usually the standard in both private and public schools).
As a result, introverted individuals, who may need extra time away from people to “recharge their social batteries” won’t get that accommodation met. Instead they will be uncomfortably placed in social settings that in-fact inhibit their social development and make them incredibly nervous and anxious.
School doesn’t directly teach us how to be social or manage our relationships, it just sort of throws us into a social cage and whatever haphazardly develops out of it is what we get. Often for males, aggressive jocks and alpha males rise to the top, while passive nerds and geeks get bulldozed over. And for females, looks and gossip are of primary importance if you want to fit in. Of course these are cliches, but it touches on a general tendency that develops and becomes reinforced throughout many school hierarchies. In return, many students graduate with a warped view of others.
Why it doesn’t work: Schools are a very confining place for social interactions to develop in a healthy manner. They are rarely a good environment to foster compassion and empathy toward others.
Conclusion
I’m sure you won’t agree with everything I said here – everyone’s experiences at school are a bit different. For some, middle school and high school may have been the best times of their lives. For others, it may have been a complete nightmare.
The big point I want to make here is that there are some obvious drawbacks and limitations that come with our current schooling, which unfortunately we don’t seem to have many viable alternatives for.
In general, I think the attitude towards learning that is propagated in many schools today runs at the antithesis to a proper education. Curriculum has been standardized to the point where it only appeals to the lowest common denominator of people. Meanwhile, most individuals, especially ones with passions, skills, and talents, usually have their strengths minimized for the sake of conformity and easy management. As a result, I really feel we all suffer.
My best advice is that:
- If you’re in school now, then recognize that it isn’t the most accurate depiction of reality. Learn what you can, but be mindful to question authority and not take what you are told for granted. Start exercising this independence now, and you’ll have a greater advantage when you step into the “real world.”
- If you’ve already graduated from school, then be mindful of some of the unhealthy lessons from your childhood that you may still be carrying around with you today. Find ways to test your old assumptions, and try to see the world from a greater diversity of perspective.
I’m sure I can ramble about these things plenty more, but this is probably a good stopping point for now. If you want to follow some of my future writing on this subject and others on personal development, then please feel welcome to join my newsletter for weekly updates.
Question:
What aspects of school did you find to hinder your personal development?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it is important to me that I’m realistic about personal development and success.
I read a lot of different blogs and sites on personal development, and I notice that it is popular (and probably more profitable) to give others a false image of instant gratification.
People don’t just want to be happy or successful, they want to be happy or successful right now.
The problem with this desire is that it ignores the work and effort it often takes to achieve something in life. It’s a process that takes time to carry itself out. There are no magic pills to take, or blueprints to follow, that will give you everything you want automatically. Overnight success is a myth.
Brainwashed on instant gratification…
Our current culture has severely brainwashed us to believe that the moment we want something we deserve it. Want to listen to a song? It only takes a couple clicks on YouTube. Want to contact someone? It takes less than 20 seconds to find them on your phone or message them on Facebook. Want a juicy cheeseburger? Go through the McDonald’s drive-thru. Want a new X? You can probably find it in some store that you live less than 5 minutes away from. Today, it’s just too friggin’ easy to find instant gratification, so we have come to expect it in everything.
To drill this point a little further, I’m reminded of a video I recently saw on YouTube of comedian Louis C.K. talking about how much we think the world owes us. He describes a recent experience he had in a plane where they had high-speed internet (clearly, a huge privilege compared to what we had last decade, let alone last century). However, during the flight the internet service went down, and a person sitting next to Louis C.K. then grumbles, “Psh…this is bullshit!”
“Like how quickly the world owes him something he knew existed only 10 seconds ago…”
Of course, it is wonderful that our would is filled with so many privileges. At the same time, it’s very easy for any of us to become a spoiled brat. When this starts trickling over into our core values, finding happiness, fulfilling relationships, creativity, starting a business – whatever it may be – then we set ourselves up for disappointment and failure.
The costs to success
The opposite of short-term gratification is the acceptance that short-term costs are sometimes necessary for long-term benefits. Things don’t magically improve overnight, you need to put in the blood, sweat, and tears to make it happen. You need to try new things, explore, fail, learn, and persist. And most likely there will be pain throughout the process – so consider them growing pains.
Every “overnight success” was actually weeks, months, and years in the making. Some people like to cite Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” as an instant success, but Nirvana had been around since 1987 – 4 years before their hit single was ever released. And before then? Each band member was practicing their instruments and learning how to perfect their craft. It sometimes feels like a band or artist just explodes overnight, but the truth is a lot of us are unaware of all the things that happened behind the scenes before things started to take off.
Eddie Cantor, American performer and comedian
The point of this post isn’t to discourage you from trying to pursue your goals. I only want you to know what you are in for if you plan to succeed. It’s usually not a walk-in-the-park. At the very least, achieving anything is going to cost you some time to make it happen. It’s going to take much more patience then downloading a song off the internet or sitting on the drive-thru line for Taco Bell. For awhile, your goals are going to seem abstract and far away, and only daily persistence is going to gradually make those visions more vivid and clear.
Contrary to what they tell you in The Secret or Law of Attraction, fulfilling your goals is going to take much more than imagination and desire. Although those may be good starting points, you will also need to take action, and lots of it. Although I understand why overnight success sounds very attractive, it is ultimately too idealistic.
On the other end of the spectrum, I don’t want you to think “busy work” always pays off either. What you really need to do is work, but work intelligently. Do the things that count and matter most, and you’ll start seeing pay-offs. Maybe you won’t see pay-offs right away, but you will eventually. And if you keep building off that momentum, things can begin to grow exponentially. I know, because I’ve seen my efforts begin to pay-off on this blog, and I’ve seen other successful people build themselves up with little or nothing. It’s possible – and it’s often worth it – but it doesn’t come for free. Please don’t bank on overnight success.
There is a funny thing that happens whenever you try to achieve something special – you’re going to find a lot of doubters. Even though last month was one of my most successful months blogging (in a number of ways), I still have a hard time telling others that this is what I want to do for a living. That’s because, almost without exception, I always sense some kind of doubt from the other person. Sometimes it is more subtle, like in their tone of voice when they say, “Well, good luck with that.” Other times it is more overt, like when they say, “Yeah…or you could get a real job.”
Yeah, it hurts. A little. Not enough to get me to stop though. I know that no one has more faith in this blog than me. And I know it’s always going to be that way – this is my baby.
Well, actually, she’s not even a baby anymore – she’s a toddler – because the beginning of this month marks my 3rd year blogging. Two whole years being a full-time blogger – that’s a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, but what do I have to show for it? Well, a lot, I would say. I have posted over 260 posts within that time. Not all of them were great, but many of them I think are very informative and will continue to be informative to others for years to come. I have also gathered over 1,000 subscribers on my new mailing list that I started in January. That is an accomplishment that I am very proud of, because I know not many bloggers have done that.
At the same time, my short history of blogging is rich in failures. But that is what I have come to expect and even embrace. I have failed before, and I will fail again in the future. If I’m not failing every now and then, am I really pushing my boundaries? Probably not. Over the past 2 years I have experimented with many different aspects of blogging (and in my life more generally), and a good percentage of those experiments have crashed into the ground and exploded right in front of my face. It fucking hurts, but I learn from it, brush it off, and get back to business. This is one mantra that plays out in my head constantly:
“If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.”
Thomas Watson
Of course, doubters make failure feel even worse, like pouring lemon juice on an open wound. Unfortunately, that’s sometimes what it takes to develop a thick skin. Eventually, you come to accept that failure and criticism are natural stages of personal development. They still hurt every time – but you begin to find that they are short-term costs that can transform into long-term benefits. You begin to accept the occasional bump and scratch, but continue on the path anyway. Your scars become battle wounds that remind you of past resilience.
It’s also natural to sometimes question the path you are one and if it is right for you. Maybe you do need to change something. Maybe other people are right when they say your path is leading to a cliff or dead-end. It’s important during these times of doubt to:
- Reflect on your values. Are you acting in accordance to them, or is there some internal conflict?
- Examine your wounds. Have they healed and made you stronger, or are they still bleeding?
- Accept the facts. Are you ignoring or learning new information you find along the way?
- Look long-term. Are you only after short-term gratification or are your actions a part of a bigger whole?
- Be ready to fail more. Are you prepared for future obstacles or are you looking for the path of least resistance?
- Learn how to take criticism. Be actively willing to hear other people’s opinions, even if they clash with yours.
- Be patient with yourself. Sometimes it takes awhile for things to begin to click, don’t sell yourself before giving an honest effort.
I believe all of these things will make you more persistent in meeting your values or goals. Undoubtedly, everyone experiences some difficulty. And undoubtedly, you will doubt yourself from time to time. I remember attending a book signing with Jonathan Safran Foer (author of “Everything is Illuminated” and “Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close.”) He mentioned how 99% of the time when he writes he’s not exactly sure where it’s heading, but then there is that 1% “eureka moment” where it all seems to come together. I’ve experienced similar eureka moments while blogging. Much of the time there is uncertainty, but every now and then things begin to “click” – and it’s well-worth the wait. You discover a new plateau, and then it’s back to exploring the unknown.
And that unknown will again instill some doubt in you. And you will fail again. And you will find – again – that there are others who still doubt you, and perhaps even wish you to continue failing. And you will be expected – again – to renew faith in yourself. It’s a patten that all growth seems to follow. It’s a pattern that “successful” people learn to recognize and embrace. I don’t believe there is one single “successful” person I know who doesn’t implicitly or explicitly understand this cycle of personal development.
It doesn’t matter what it is you are trying to achieve – become a musician, athlete, artist, writer, accountant, doctor, etc. – all endeavors seem to follow this cycle. And the more special the thing you are trying to achieve, the more criticism and doubt you will have to face.
David Zucker
I had to include this quote in my post because it so accurately depicts my attitude. I don’t think it is possible to go through life without critics and people telling you to stop being yourself. While I encourage people to listen to their critics, I also think there is some criticism that is worth ignoring. If someone is telling you something that doesn’t align with your core values, you need to disregard their input and carry on anyway.
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