But peer pressure is really just anytime our peers encourage us to change our values, attitudes, and behaviors. And it doesn’t always need to be a negative thing.

When surrounded by the right people, peer pressure can be positive.

If a peer encourages you to work hard, do well in school, exercise, eat a healthy diet, and be kind to others… it’s still peer pressure. It just happens to be encouraging a set of values that most people find acceptable.

People are always going to influence each other. And we should accept that. Unless you live in a bubble, there will always be family, friends, and peers that reshape who you are.

The goal isn’t to avoid peer pressure, but try to surround yourself with peer pressure that is healthy and productive.

If you hang around people who are always encouraging you to do things that go against your core values, then you may not want to keep hanging around those people.

On the other hand, if you hang around people who encourage you to act in ways that you want to change, then they can be an excellent source of motivation.

Want to start working out at the gym more often? Then find a friend or coworker who already does it on a regular basis. They can help you find a gym, teach you how to use the equipment, and encourage you to go 3-4 times every week.

Want to boost your grades at college? Then find a student in your class who knows the material really well. Try to set up a date to study for the next exam. Or exchange research papers and give each other constructive criticism.

These can both be considered a form of positive peer pressure. The key is you want to change something about your life, so you find people who can guide you to make that change.

A lot of the habits we do are influenced by our environment and the types of people we associate with. So when we take an active role in changing these things, we can often change our habits as well.

One of the number one ways recovering alcoholics fall back into their old habits is by continuing to hang around people who they associate with drinking.

Sometimes it’s direct peer pressure: “Come on man. Just one drink. It’s your birthday!” And other times it’s indirect peer pressure. Just the mere presence of being around your old friends make you want to crack open a beer.

These social influences play a huge role in how we think and behave.

The guide Regaining Consciousness talks about “vampires” that can ruin our life. These are people who suck up positivity from us, and motivate us to think and act in destructive ways. They are negative peer pressure.

“Vampire slayers” are the opposite. They crush the negativity in our lives and instead serve as a valuable source of inspiration and encouragement. They are positive peer pressure.

As painful as it may be, sometimes in life we need to separate ourselves from the vampires, and instead find ourselves some vampire slayers.

It can be difficult to end relationships with people who we’ve been friends with for a long time. But if they only feed our negative habits, it’s probably best for us to walk away.

Then we can build a more supportive social circle by finding people who encourage us to embody the values that we really want to have.

The takeaway message here is to pay close attention to the people you are engaged with on a frequent basis. Because they can have a very real effect on your thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors.

Instead, surround yourself with people who help bring out the better you.

Those who we typically perceive as high value (like CEOs, celebrities, athletes, politicians, good-looking people, etc.) we place at the top of our social hierarchy, while those we typically perceive as low value fall to the bottom of our social hierarchy.

While sometimes it may be useful to distinguish between valuable relationships vs. not-so-valuable relationships, this kind of thinking can also hurt our ability to connect with some people in productive and meaningful ways.

This is because often when we pass judgment on others, we are simultaneously comparing ourselves (and our own perceived value, or self-worth) to that other person.

For example, if we perceive someone as having extraordinarily high value, then we must automatically see ourselves as somehow inferior when compared to this other person. And this perceived difference in value can then cause us to act and think in desperate and anti-social ways.

For instance, in order to build a relationship with this “high value” person, we may feel the need to pretend to be more valuable than we actually think we are, or even somehow lessen that person’s value by picking on them or bringing them down.

One example of this flawed paradigm in action: The Pick-up Community

In fact, there are many concepts within the Pick-Up/seduction community, popularized by guys like Neil Strauss (“Style”) and Mystery, which rely on this flawed paradigm.

First, you have to understand the Pick-up Artist’s social hierarchy. This is known as the “Hot Babe” scale. Pick-up Artists feel the need to rate women on a scale of 1-10 based on their perceived value (usually it is based on good looks). They then treat women differently based on this perceived value.

For example, there are certain social tactics a Pick-up Artist needs to do in order to get an “HB10″ (Hot Babe 10 – a really good-looking, high value woman). These two main tactics include:

Negging: A “back-handed compliment” often intended to lower a woman’s perceived value. Pick-up Artists believe that HB10s need to be negged more so that they don’t think too highly of themselves (because that would presumably mean they wouldn’t want to be with you, duh!).

Demonstrating Higher Value (DHV) DHVs often include canned stories and “games” so that a woman perceives you as higher value (than you actually are). In other words, you have to essentially “prove your value” to the woman in order to win her over.

The irony is that the whole reason a Pick-Up Artist needs to use these tactics is because deep down they feel inadequate. They don’t believe they deserve “high value” women, so they have to tease and play games so that the women essentially gets “tricked” to believe they are worthy.

Throw out the social hierarchy mentality: People are just people.

I think it would do many people good (not just Pick-up Artists) if we put less emphasis on these social hierarchies that we’ve constructed in our minds.

All it does is put artificial boundaries around our relationships, which in the end only inhibits us from connecting with others in a healthy way – a way based on mutual respect and understanding.

As Sean Cooper eloquently explains in the Shyness and Social Anxiety System (a great guide for overcoming social anxiety and living a richer social life), all social value is a product of our subjective minds:

“The first thing to understand is that value is all in your mind. In reality, there are no ‘superior’ or ‘inferior’ people. The only reason why you see some people as more valuable than you is because you have some rules in your mind that determine whether someone is valuable to you or not. If someone passes all these rules and criteria you have, then you see them as valuable.

If you have low self-esteem, it means that you do not think you meet other people’s rules for being a valuable person.“

By being less judgmental of others (and ourselves), we begin to see and treat everyone as equals.

In other words, it doesn’t matter whether you are talking to someone who is really rich vs. someone who is really poor, or someone who is really good-looking vs. someone who is really ugly, or someone who is really popular vs. someone who isn’t well known at all. Every individual deserves your attention and respect, and there’s no real reason to be more nervous or anxious around one person over someone else.

(In fact, I truly believe we can find something good in everyone.)

And the great thing is: when you begin to see and treat everyone as equals (insofar as everyone has something valuable to offer), it’s much easier to start building relationships left and right. Your social circle grows and grows, because you no longer discriminate or worry about these fictional boundaries anymore. And once these silly social hierarchies are ignored, everyone becomes a potential friend.

Questions.

• Do you notice your perceived social hierarchies hurting how you communicate and relate to others?
• What types of people do you tend to perceive as “higher value” than yourself?
• How do you treat people of “higher value” differently than you treat those of “lower value?” How can you change this so that you treat people more as equals?

Leave answers in the comment section below!

You find yourself frequently rushing around like a chicken without a head. You get showered, get dressed, give the kids their breakfast, and then ship them off to school.

If everything goes well, you’ll be able to catch the train on time; but if there is even one slip up, the whole morning can be disastrous (not exactly the best precedent to set for the rest of your day).

Answer:

Go to bed 15-30 minutes earlier and wake up 15-30 minutes earlier. Use the extra time to chunk morning tasks into something more manageable and sane.

Also, consider using the extra time to sit outside with some coffee, read the newspaper, or do some praying and meditation. A little bit of “me time” can help get your attitude right before taking on the rest of the world.

2. You let coworkers get under your skin too easily.

It’s bad enough you have to listen to your kids whine and complain, but now you have to deal with it at work. Some people never seem to grow up.

Who is it this time? The gossiper? Your office buddy who needs a second opinion on everything? Or maybe it’s the anonymous asshole who never fills the coffee pot after taking the last drop?

Let’s face it – some people are rude, disrespectful, and just plain annoying.

Answer:

Sucky people exist, but we don’t need to let them get under our skin. Put yourself in their shoes and understand that everyone is trying to get through the day in their own way.

Try making your interactions as pleasant as possible by laughing away the small stuff or cracking a joke. Do whatever it takes to get the good vibes flowing, and don’t take anything too personally.

If people get too pushy: find a quick escape (“I really should get back to this report”), ignore them, tell them directly to stop, or even report them to the manager if the situation gets out of control.

For more tips check out the book The No Asshole Rule.

3. You can’t find time to eat.

Some tell me they are just “too busy to eat.” But if you don’t get the proper nutrition, you can kiss productivity goodbye. Without food you can’t concentrate, you lose stamina quickly, and you’re more likely to daydream about stuff like…eating.

Answer:

Don’t be ridiculous, take the 20-40 minute break and find yourself something to eat. Both your mind and body will appreciate the boost.

For the best results, eat something balanced and healthy, but any food is always better than no food. Consider leaving some snacks around the office for quick replenishment throughout the day.

4. Your boss treats you like a door mat.

Typically you want to be a good lil’ worker and not get the people in charge upset. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to please your boss (or bosses).

However, there are limits. There are times where the worker-boss relationship can be detrimental, bordering on abusive.

Having too much work to do, or being talked down by your boss on a daily basis, can all have significant psychological effects on your well-being (not to mention your productivity).

Stress has been shown to be most prevalent in individuals who are on the lower end of hierarchies, which leaves the average worker very susceptible to high levels of stress and anxiety.

Answer:

In Good Boss, Bad Boss, Stanford professor Robert Sutton explains how a good boss should be receptive to feedback from his or her employees and respond to those employees with dignity.

Obviously, not all bosses show this kind of understanding. However, you can test the waters by expressing your concerns and seeing what your boss is willing to do to improve working conditions. Make sure you voice your opinion as respectfully as possible.

If your boss isn’t willing to budge at all – and you absolutely can’t stand him – it may be time to start looking for a new and more tolerable job.

5. You have trouble sleeping at night.

By the end of the day you may have a lot of pent up energy, aggression and frustration. This is a cocktail of emotions that is sure to leave you up all night with your mind racing.

Poor sleeping habits can become a downward spiral. Just one night of tossing and turning can leave you worn out for the rest of the day, dozing off at work, and then having the same troubles the very next night.

Answer:

A few years ago I had insomnia and searched for a number of ways to help fall sleep. One of the most effective ways I found was using hypnosis. Basically, I counted down from 50 and consciously slowed down my breathing between each number. Each step represented a more “sleepful state,” and often (with practice) I would be sound asleep before I even got down to 0.

Part of the reason I was so effective at this was because I was training to be a hypnotist at the time. However, it’s really not that hard, and you can get good instructions from books like Paul McKenna’s I Can Make You Sleep: Overcome Insomnia Forever, which also comes with a “Guided Hypnosis CD” that can do a lot of the work for you.

If you’ve tried hypnosis already, or you are too spooked out about it: also try exercising more. Exercise can help release excess energy. The more physically active you are, the more likely it is that you will be tired by the end of the day, and therefore be able to get the rest you need.

People sometimes underestimate how much their environment reflects their mental state. Does your office have loose papers scattered across the room, coffee stains, and an overflowing waste bin? Do you walk into the office every morning and it looks like a cyclone hit it?

Guess what – it’s time to re-assess your cleaning habits at work.

Answer:

Keeping things clean and organized isn’t that hard and you don’t need an elaborate system to do it.

Spend 20 minutes every Friday afternoon emptying out the garbage, vacuuming crumbs on the floor, dusting behind the computer, or whatever (this is assuming your company doesn’t already have someone hired to do this stuff for you).

As for papers:

1. Organize a couple of folders or binders.

2. Label them according to your tasks throughout the work week.

3. Find a space for them in your office where they aren’t going to move.

Keep it simple stupid. You’re not trying to replicate Wikipedia, and dust bunnies don’t actually grow fangs and suck blood if they aren’t cleaned up right away. The point is to introduce some sanity into the workplace, not become a neat freak.

Allot no more than 25-30 minutes a week and make an active effort to keep things tidy and in order.

7. Troubles at home.

Sometimes the most common distractions at work aren’t work-related, but our relationships at home with family, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, or roommates.

An unhealthy home life spills into an unhealthy work life (and vice versa).

If we have stress at home, we often carry that negative energy into the workplace as well. That means poor relationships with family and friends might also tell us why coworkers so easily get under our skin (#2). We seek healthy social bonds, but when we don’t get them we sometimes think the whole world is conspiring against us.

Answer:

Address the problem. Poor relationships need to be brought into consciousness and reconciled, not suppressed where problems can grow and exacerbate.

If you have to: introspect on the relationship and figure out where the core issues lie. Then, have a civil conversation with the person (with the intent to find common ground). When conversations aren’t possible, seek new and positive relationships elsewhere (not always easy, but sometimes necessary).

8. You recently lost a loved one.

Time can sometimes be a cruel teacher, especially when you lose those who you deeply care for. A recent death can make life freeze in place. You don’t want to go anywhere. You can’t concentrate on getting anything done. And you don’t want to go to work. Instead, you just want to sit at home, cry, and reflect.

And, depending on the person, you may also have funeral plans to arrange – which can be another burden in itself during these depressing times.

Answer:

Request time off. These are those rare times where you probably want some solitude and you need the time away from work. Most people will be understanding and let you do your thing. Try to take things slowly.

In addition, find some way to celebrate the person’s life. Maybe watch a favorite movie you used to both like, or go to some spot you used to have deep and philosophical conversations. Find a way to reconcile their passing with honor and fortitude.

Then take your best step forward.

9. You need a vacation.

Sometimes nothing is wrong at work. You are just tired of the day-to-day rat race and you want some time to enjoy the finer moments in life.

Answer:

If you have been budgeting yourself correctly, you should have some money saved away to go on a small vacation. Make sure you let your employer know in advance when you plan on taking time off, and be sure to book any hotels, tours, or attractions beforehand.

Also, leave plenty of free time and flexibility in your schedule, just in case you want to lounge by the pool, read, or go out to dinner. This is a time to relax and enjoy yourself – don’t make it too busy.

10. Your job just sucks.

Maybe after it is all said and done you just don’t like your job. You tried to make it more pleasurable, you tried to stick with it, but you simply can’t. Maybe it just doesn’t suit your personality. Or maybe the job just really does suck.

Answer:

Start looking for a new and better job. Although a new career can seem daunting, in the long-run it might be the best decision you ever made. You can start by follow many of my tips at 50 Things To Do While Unemployed – but please don’t quit your job until you have another one secured.

Books you might like:

• The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t
• Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity
• Guerrilla Marketing for Job Hunters: 1,001 Unconventional Tips, Tricks and Tactics for Landing Your Dream Job

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We use the term all of the time during idle chit-chat and rants on pop psychology – but what does the word really mean? Many might consider it a synonym for “shyness,” but that isn’t how the term was originally used in Carl Jung’s Psychological Types in 1921.

Shyness is a lack of social interaction based on a fear or insecurity; introversion is a preference, and introverts aren’t necessarily afraid or insecure around people.

A healthy introvert doesn’t mind social interactions. In fact, they can often love them. However, they can also find them mentally exhausting, and thus they rejuvenate themselves through alone time by playing guitar, writing, designing, swimming, or whatever they enjoy doing.

They are often independent thinkers, problem-solvers, and creative types who work best when alone. To them, having other people around is not only overwhelming, but it can be a major distraction.

Being introverted doesn’t mean you don’t have friends. Many introverts in fact have tons of friends, sometimes even more than extroverts. The difference is they like their friends in small doses.

Being introverted doesn’t mean you have to suck around people. Plenty of introverts are fantastic social butterflies. For example, President Obama has shown signs of introversion and he is arguably one of the best speakers in modern American politics (teleprompter or not).

You may also be surprised to see what celebrities have been identified as “introverted,” based on the Myers-Briggs personality test: Adam Sandler, Anthony Kiedis, Kevin Costner, Jessica Biel among many others…

Things to remember:

• Introversion-Extroversion are two sides of the same spectrum. To be high on one end is to be low on the other, but we all have some of both. Technically speaking, there are no such thing as “introverts,” only individuals with different mixtures of introversion and extroversion
• Introversion is engagement with our internal world. Extroversion is engagement with our external world. Neither are solely good nor bad, they are both capacities that must be exercised and balanced.
• Both introversion and extroversion can manifest themselves in negative ways.

When introversion goes wrong.

There is nothing inherit to introversion that leads people to shyness, anxiety, fear, insecurities, or narcissism. Nonetheless these things can happen.

When introversion goes wrong we tend to get stuck in our heads. Our self-talk doesn’t know when to shut up and we can’t pay full attention to the people we are with. Someone might be sharing a personal story, but we are too busy chatting to ourselves in our heads. This is a bad way to connect.

When our self-talk doesn’t shut up, people can see that we aren’t fully engaged in the conversation. They may think we don’t like them or find them boring, even if this isn’t true. Thus individuals begin to reciprocate that same dull or negative energy back toward us.

Before we know it, we begin to send off an unconscious aura of negativity. It manifest itself through our body language, our tone of voice, the words we use, and the way we choose our actions. We might even begin to disdain others by thinking they are all stupid or evil. At its extreme, we may find ourselves loathing everyone and wanting nothing to do with anyone.

It can happen. Even the healthiest of individuals sometimes go through this phase. The difference is healthy people learn from it, while unhealthy people bask in its misery. You can’t get out of it without making some serious changes in your attitude and actions.

Your mind is your friend. Spend quality time with it.

This may sound like poor advice coming from a guide that wants you to think less, not more – but if your mind is sending off a warning signal maybe you should take the time to find out what it is trying to say.

Give your mind a chance to speak by allotting time throughout the day to meditate, write, or be creative.

You can’t suppress your thoughts and emotions forever. It is like poop, eventually it needs to come out.

The problem is many people don’t have a healthy avenue to express their feelings. They try to hold it all in, only to be surprised when they bubble to the surface in unhelpful situations.

Consider adding one of these to your routine:

• Writing or blogging
• Playing a music instrument
• Painting
• Making short films
• Photography
• Designing

These are all healthy ways to exercise and express your thoughts and feelings.

Overcoming the potential pitfalls of introversion is not about suppressing thoughts and feelings, or trying to become something you are not. It is about learning how to use your introverted tendencies in productive and creative ways NOW so that they don’t become distractions and hindrances LATER.

Uh oh, things just got personal physical.

Allowing ourselves to be thoughtful and creative isn’t always enough. We also need to step outside of our minds and into our bodies.

If we aren’t doing it already, then we need to get up off our butts and exercise. Physical health is one of the most underrated aspects of mental health. We hear about its benefits all of the time but we never do anything about it.

However, for the record, exercise can increase stamina and alertness, help reduce anxiety, and also prevent against mental aging (among the more obvious physical benefits). It can also help give our analytical mind some time off.

Aerobic exercises are often the easiest workouts to jump right into. They get blood flowing throughout the whole body, which is exhausting, but it prevents our brains from having any leftover energy for over-thinking and over-analyzing

Consider one of the following aerobic exercises:

• Running
• Cycling
• Swimming
• Dancing
• Tennis
• Soccer
• Rowing

Many introverts often think and worry a lot because they don’t feel comfortable in their own skin. Not only are these exercises great ways to release pent up energy, they can also help build confidence and self-esteem.

For increased effect, also try doing strength-building activities like pushups, weight-lifting, and playing sports like football, baseball, basketball, rock-climbing, martial arts, and gymnastics. For more tips on maintaining your physical health, please check out my post Do you live in a culture of fitness?

How will this translate into my social life?

Many of the above suggestions don’t just work for introverts, they work for everyone. They are part of what it means to be a well-balanced individual both physically and mentally. When we take part in these kinds of activities we will feel better because of it, and we will develop new and fulfilling passions.

Having a wide array of interests will also give us more food for conversation and social interaction. We can discover like-minded people, share thoughts about our hobbies, and schedule get-togethers where we can have fun with others doing what we love.

These are real ways to make use of what we have and make ourselves better people. We may still prefer others in small doses, but we will be more confident and comfortable during social interactions, because we are more confident and comfortable with ourselves.

Ultimately this is about self-discovery and self-improvement. I cannot give you a blueprint for how to do it step-by-step, but I can offer some road signs to help guide you along the way.

Please take these principles and suggestions to heart, from one introvert to another. Dedicate the time, motivate yourself to make some changes, and experiment to find out what works best for you.